ZOMG, I Hate My Parents!!!

Post by Quercus

This is a post of sympathy to all teenage sons and daughters out there, struggling through their adolescence on top of dealing with emotionally (or physically) abusive parents.

I just did a search on "I Hate My Parents" to see what comes up. Disturbingly, an image of someone cutting their wrists over a sink with the title 'You're Doing it Wrong' and instructions on how better to harm and/or kill yourself appeared in the "image results" summary.

I'm not okay with this. No one, ever, needed to see that photo (I know I didn't). And certainly not teenagers in crisis.

Please listen to me very carefully if you are a teenager who is in crisis because of your parents, or for any other reason (any other reason - pregnancy, drugs, criminal activity, you name it! It might seem like a big deal now, but trust me that time changes everything):

It gets better.

It will get better, trust me, no matter what. I promise. You can chase me down and kick me if I'm wrong. Just trust me - I've been there.

You will never have it as hard as you do now.

You must be brave and stick it out - you can do it. You can survive.

Courage is being scared and doing it anyway! 

So be brave - don't die. Don't cut or hurt yourself. Be strong and live. You have it in you to be strong - trust your own strength.

You are not alone - you just feel alone. Ignore that feeling. Talk to someone (talk to us!).

There are people who understand. All adults went through some of what you're going through. Some adults really are stupid jerks. Some adults are morons. But there are some adults who are good people who actually care. Find those useful adults and lean on them.

Everyone here on the ACoN society went through hell-on-earth with their parents. They survived, although no one will tell you it was easy. It was the fight of our lives to get through it! So turn up the music on your phone or iPod and psych yourself up for it - it's a battle of attrition, meaning you're going to have to survive a siege. Hunker down, store up resources, get allies, and wait it out (try not to go crazy! It'll be difficult!).

Then one day your opportunity will come - you can leave. You're free . . . well, more or less. Then you're going to want to stay in contact with us other ACoNs; getting totally free of your parents, even as an adult, is tricky. The good news is that you can put an entire ocean between where they are and where you are, if you want to. Or maybe just a few blocks - either way, they are there, you are somewhere else. Your own space!

Life gets infinitely better when you are able to move out of your parents' house and work a job or go to college or university. It doesn't really matter what you end up doing, so long as you're on your own and away from them.

As an adult, no one can tell you what to do, you have so much freedom, and if you don't like your parents - you can give them a 'time-out'! (Bosses can tell you what to do at work, so try to work for someone nice).

It's worth surviving until adulthood! Think of the perks! Hang in there - it's so worth it.

Most teenagers are going to say "I hate my parents!" at least once . . . a month. But in all seriousness, here are some examples of parental behaviour that is completely screwed up:

• Your parent slaps, hits, punches or kicks you (if they're drunk or sober, it doesn't matter)
• Your parent lies to you about really important things
• Your parent is breaking the law
• You parent sexually abuses you, or your mom's boyfriend rapes you but your mom won't listen. (If you've been sexually abused by anyone, IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT, EVER, NO MATTER WHAT. Refuse to feel shame or guilt. Those feelings are lies told to you to keep you silent)
• Your parent is drunk or on drugs (an alcoholic or an addict)
• Your parent injures you (puts out cigarettes on your skin; throws ice water at you; pulls your hair on purpose; scalds (burns) you with hot coffee or water; scratches or bites you, etc.)

If any of these things (or similar things) are happening to you, or have happened to you, you need to do at least one of the following:

• Call the police (either the non-emergency phone number, or 911 if you're in danger right now)
• Talk to a school counsellor, or talk to a teacher you trust
• Talk to a friend's parent you trust
• Talk to a neighbour (adult) that you trust
• Talk to a doctor (you can go to a walk-in medical clinic and see a doctor, or you can see your own at an appointment. You might be able to see your doctor without an appointment - tell the receptionist that it's really important and that you'll wait 'til they have a break)
• Call a crisis line - 1 800 668 6868 is the Kid's Help Phone in Canada; http://teenlineonline.org/ online (or 1 800 852 8336, or text 839863 from 5:30-9:30pm (PST))
• Talk to a trustworthy staff-member or volunteer at a local community centre or your church

If you are in danger because your parents are abusing you, GET HELP NOW. I know it's really hard, but believe me - there are safe places for you to run to. They may be hidden, but they're there. Remember the "Block Parent Program" (Canadian)? There are caring people out there who will help you.

My advice to anyone still at home with their parents - educate yourself. Read up about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), and all the other personality disorders (borderline, sociopathic, histrionic, dependent, etc.). Read up on alcoholism or narcotics abuse if your parent is an alcoholic or an addict - there's lots of info out there (for example, check out this link "Coping with Parent's Substance Abuse").

Spend time at the library (or internet cafe), using their computers for searches if your parents check your internet history or cache (erase your search history ("clear browser history") and internet cache and cookies). Get to know a librarian or help desk employee - they may be able to help you out as well.

Best advice of all - get a part-time job (babysitting and lawn-mowing/yard-work have flexible hours for after school). Save up your money so that you can be financially independent of your parents sooner. Build a good resume - show up to your jobs on-time, work hard, and get good references (references are people you know from before who will say that you're a good employee. You need references when you apply for a formal job). Take a full-time job in the summer and when you're finished school, if you can. And remember - save your money!

Study hard, too, especially if you'd like to go to college or university. Then you can apply for scholarships and bursaries (make sure you check out the bursaries; if you live in an inner-city urban environment, or a rural one, or you are an ethnic minority, or if you happen to fit the right description at the right time, you can get some great financial help! Talk to a teacher or advisor or even a librarian about finding out more about education subsidies!). Once you have to enroll in courses in another city, and move onto campus, you'll be on your own . . . and you'll finally have some breathing room! Life will get better, I promise!

In the meantime...

• TALK to someone! Other ACoNs here will talk with you. 
• Believe you can do it. We did it - all of us. We survived our toxic parents. You can too!
• Keep your sanity. Don't let them mess with your head. 
• Be patient. It's probably going to feel like forever, even though very soon you'll realise it didn't last very long at all. It's so much easier to see it once you've gotten through it. So be patient, and trust us when we say - YOU CAN DO IT!
• Stay safe. Protect yourself - you're worth protecting, even if your parents don't think so. I think so! Most other people think so! Take care of yourself - you're a valuable part of life on earth, a member of a community. We want you to be happy, healthy and well. So take good care of you - do what you have to do to be safe.

Are you a teen? Or even a pre-teen or someone recently into their 20s who can relate? Please comment below with your thoughts on this post - it may help someone else get through a really, really hard time!