Waterloo & Failed Narcissistic Campaigns

by Quercus

Ah, the Napoleon complex - a popular term used to describe gross overcompensation for a perceived short-coming (as in a short stature in men). I could argue that all narcissists have a Napoleon complex of a sort - think about your parent and their overcompensation (was it 'power'? Beauty? 'Respect'? Control? Intelligence?). It's pitiful, isn't it?

Napoleon's famous defeat at Waterloo was a military misstep. He was threatened by the armies of Wellington (British-Dutch-Allied) and Blucher (Prussian), and decided to attack them before a larger coalition could be formed and invade and take-over France. (A good offense is a good defense? Perhaps not always).

This move reminds me of so many narcissistic tactics - strike fast and prevent your enemies from collaborating and getting any traction (i.e. triangulation of the siblings; pit 'em against each other to prevent them from forming a united front against you, and take 'em all out at once if you suspect they've banded together). It's always a battle in their minds, isn't it? Not "live and let live" but "command and conquer" to neutralize the (perceived) threat.

Waterloo was a famous flop by a famous narcissist. I can think of a few 'campaigns' that have flopped on my NParents - one obvious one in particular.


The other daughter

It's taken me years and years to realise what was happening in this major campaign - it completely flopped because my reaction, my envy and outrage, was the explicit goal. And I completely missed the point!

My NM replaced me with a surrogate 'daughter' of similar age at her place of employment. For years, she did everything with this girl. She even tried to get her to date her golden-child son. The girl, who I never met (and whom I always rather liked in my mind - she sounded like a complete angel!), was the sole female object of my NM's affection, money, time and praise.

And she was always, always brought up in front of me. "Guess what me and ____ did today?" NM would boast at the dinner table. I always listened and was supportive. As I said, she sounded wonderful - I would like to meet her myself. For years this 'close friendship' between my NM and someone 27 years her junior apparently continued. And over time, I started to really want to meet this girl. She sounded like the loveliest person who ever lived. I would have sincerely liked to have been friends with her (hey, if she could be that close with my NM, than surely she'd like me!). I knew everything about her - she was the daily conversation at dinner. I knew more about her love life than I thought I ought to (never tell a narcissist anything!). She was touted as being beautiful, brilliant, creative, shapely, friendly, likeable - she sounded perfect.

I think that the momster's goal was to make me jealous of the other girl. That might have been NM's entire goal. A three-year (or longer) campaign had been launched against me. And I didn't even notice, not for a moment. Apparently I didn't have a jealous bone in my body against this girl (why should I? She sounded like a lovely human being!). It's only now, perhaps a decade later, that I've realised what on earth was going on. How I missed this must've been serendipitous (thank you for keeping me in the dark, Lord!).

At the time, I thought it odd that this girl never came to our place for dinner or a party. I think she probably would have, assuming my NM's stories were accurate - they were "closer than close". But now I think my NM wanted to keep us apart. I know she wanted to hook up the friend with my brother - why wouldn't she bring her home? Oddly, golden-child had met her (and expressed sexual interest in the conquest that was her body - yuck); perhaps there were whole family gatherings in which she replaced me. Who knows - it's entirely plausible.

Other daughter eventually faded away into obscurity. Obviously she moved on with her life; changed careers, got married, moved away, the usual sort of thing. The bizarre 'friendship' with a much older lady couldn't have been central to her young life, naturally. So there was no sudden change-of-heart or falling out that I ever heard of - she just stopped coming up as often.

(There is a small part of me that can't help but wonder if NM overstepped a boundary, and the prudent "other daughter" headed for the hills! Can't imagine NM would have relayed that information on to me if it had happened! NM did not, however, warrant an invite to 'other daughter's' wedding. And thinking back, I think she only ever called our home once or twice - a big, BIG deal was made about that! Can't help but think NM constructed a reason for her to call just so I would hear her getting so excited and giggling like a young girl on the phone to this girl who actually merited her attention!).

It was when I started therapy years later and learned about NPD, that the other daughter popped back into my mind - she was meant to make me jealous! To punish me! To hurt me as much as my NM could possibly hurt me! And it all went "whoosh", straight over my head (again, thank you Lord! Ignorance is bliss!).

The dinner table was my NM's favourite place to cause strife. Somehow, it was always me who ruined dinner, though. I remember deciding not to eat with my family, because I half believed that it was my fault that every dinner ended in a screaming match, and half that I was getting scapegoated for something I couldn't triumph over anyway. I honestly believed that feeding myself later in my room would be preferable to all parties. You can imagine my surprise when I "ruined dinner" by not showing up! Damned if I do, and damned if I don't with NM and EF!

For awhile, my EF was the designated scapegoat: NM found someone she was sooooo attracted to at work and decided to humiliate my father with comparisons with this 'better man' right at the dinner table. This went on for at least a month, probably three. I'm sure I got blamed for it somehow in the end, though!

But "the other daughter" - she was my "better than you" example. And she went on for years. And I never once lost my temper, or shouted, or rolled my eyes. I didn't make a single sarcastic comment about her (again, she sounded perfect - where was the fault to pick apart?!), and I didn't bother to compete with her. It never occurred to me to cry foul.

NM had overplayed her hand; in order for me to have been jealous, I would have had to believe that the other girl was getting something I could have had myself - my mother's love.

I had figured out that there was no love for me decades earlier.

'The other daughter' wasn't my NM's Waterloo - I still think her 'last battle' against me is yet to come. But as far as involved, complex campaigns go, this one was a total failure.

And somehow, it makes me really happy. I won because I never played the game.

As my psychologist says, "Play her game, and you will only ever lose. The only way to 'win' is to never, ever play along with her games."

Here's hoping the next "game" will also fly completely under my radar.