The Copy-Cat

Article by Quercus

What is one way to irritate a narcissist?

Pretend to enjoy doing the lowly menial chores which the narcissist has given you to do – it will make the narcissist think that he or she is missing out on something. 

 (original author unknown)

This classic joke made me laugh the first time I read it. It really resonates with me, because my NMother has begun to think that she's missing out on something I have. She never took any notice of me at all as a youngster - dismissed me, practically kicked me to the curb. Until one day, when she completely replicated my life.

I won't go into details at the risk of identifying her or me, but here's the short version: she started by dressing like me, wearing my clothes, and getting insanely bent out of shape when I wore her old castaway clothes that were used by us kids for 'dress-up'. She started taking more and more and more of my things - anything. Things that were birthday gifts, things I saved up and bought myself; big things, little things. The excuse always was, "I didn't think you used/wanted it anymore". I could have used it two days before, and this was still the facile excuse and implication - that I was the greedy one, hanging onto possessions I didn't have a use for.

I went to university, I graduated (and what a cold and resentful day my convocation was!). So she went back to university as well. I remember her wishing (out loud) that she went to my school instead so she could 'influence' my studies.

I moved away to the big city, and then so did she. In fact, she quit her rather impressive career and field of experience and transferred into my area of study (in which she has absolutely no experience or credentials). She tried to get a job at the very same department of the same institution I was now employed at (thankfully there was only an opening at the competition, which, somehow, she landed). Narcissists are impressive in interviews, aren't they? Lies, lies and more lies; spin-doctoring the truth. The only jobs she didn't get were those she was apparently deemed 'over-qualified' for.

She tried to get an apartment within blocks of mine, or even in my building - would I ask the landlord for her? (Thankfully, another divine blessing no doubt, not a single suitable apartment was available. So she lives just down the road instead). After she got an apartment, she insisted I stop by all the time (and like the sucker I was, craving that love I never got, I complied. Of course it was the same old song and dance in the end - I was hurt, she was happy). And after awhile, she got an even bigger and better apartment, which she, naturally, compared to my dingy little hovel. (I like my hovel).

Next, my EFather started to petition me to move in with her. Me, a grown adult. With her; the woman who spent my whole life barring me from coming inside the house, insisting I go and live with my grandparents, and refusing me access to the upstairs while she was still 'unwinding and relaxing' from work in the afternoons and early evening (and during dinner). The woman who took a family vacation with everyone but me. The wicked, jealous, resentful woman wanted me, her competition, to move in with her. Only of course she couldn't ask - it had to come through the proper channel (i.e. my sock-puppet of a father).

She tried to hang out with all my friends. She connected with my childhood friends via Facebook (I got some weird messages: "Uh, your *mom* wants me to meet her for coffee Monday? WTF?"). She took up recreational activities that I had enjoyed. She did absolutely everything, everything, like me. Same salon. Same stylist. Same favourite shoe company. Same restaurants, events, concerts, parties (and somehow it was always 'their' idea first! Despite blatant evidence to the contrary! Like when I bought them the tickets, or gave them the address a week before!). Same music, same favourite band, same favourite shops. Same everything. Probably even the same man, if he was susceptible to that sort of b.s. (I was blessed with the world's best husband! So thankful!).

Every time I went anywhere with her, it was the same sort of garbage. I'd be telling her about something I thought was important (i.e. trying desperately to establish a relationship with her), and she'd have this revolting half-smile and be turned to one side, then the next, watching who was watching us. She never heard a word I said, ever. "Oh, he's checking you out! The waiter was checking you out!". I never knew what to say. Sometimes I'd make a joke about it; "So? He's got eyes, hasn't he?!". But mostly I'd say something like "He might have just been checking to see if we needed our glasses refilled. He was carrying a pitcher after all." It didn't seem to matter what I said. I didn't ever figure out what I was supposed to say in those situations.

She'd be continuously scouting for men looking our way. I wonder if she does that when she's alone? I don't know what possesses her to have to tell me every single time some poor unsuspecting young man glances my way for a nanosecond. I look at people all the time as I walk by! I'm not appraising them or sizing them up for suitability! Usually I'm thinking about something completely unrelated ("Did I floss this morning? I can't remember."). Single, engaged, married - it didn't matter what my status was. She still watched for guys watching us.

Every thing I had in my life my mother was entitled to. In fact, in her mind, she's entitled to me. All of me. Never mind that I'm married and completely separate from her now - I belong to her. All my happiness, all my success, all my friends, my images on Facebook - it should be her in my place. So she replicates, she takes and she builds a facsimile of me. And whenever I spent time with her, she'd be looking, watching, trying to soak up the 'experience' of being me (including accusing poor innocent passersby of being sexually attracted to me!). This I find very creepy indeed. Why does she do that?!

And then the weirdest thing of all - she out-does me at being 'me'. I used to get phone calls, text messages, Facebook messages, etc., telling me all about this fabulous bar or that cool restaurant or the awesome outdoor music festival (for 19-25 year olds . . . I'm just saying . . .) that she went to because she's "cooler" than me. She has 5 fashionable accessories to every 1 have. If I buy a knock-off, she buys the real one. And another. And a third in a slightly different style. And in the end it was always, somehow, her idea that I copied. I once accused her of copying me in front my EFather, who interjected, "You're jealous of your mother?!" as loud as humanly possible. "No! No, she's copying me! She's envious of me! I can't handle this anymore!" But it was too late! "Clearly you're jealous of your own mother! Ha ha ha!" the sing-song laughter continued. The conversation had done a 180 and kicked into high-gear again. I couldn't turn it around. I now had a smug mom and a proud dad laughing gleefully at me for 'being jealous of my own mother'.

I think I got nasty then and listed a million things about her I wouldn't want. I can't quite remember; a red haze of rage descended on me at that point. It was the beginning of the end of our relationship as they knew it.

I could go on and on forever. I won't even touch my wedding in this post! You can just about imagine the debacle I would have had with her! But the kicker is this: I got married, she tried to conceive. She's in her late 50s. She had her tubes tied in the mid-80s. And now she's trying to get pregnant?!

I guess if I have the opportunity of just starting out on a life and a family, then she should, too. The fact that she's done all of that already doesn't seem to phase her.

My only move - low contact (headed for 'no contact'; it seems more and more inevitable by the day). If she doesn't know what I have, she can't try to take it or fake it. My existence has been, for now, reclaimed. I am me. She is she.