"Living well is the best revenge"
- George Herbert, clergyman & poet (1593-1633)
I first heard that quote from my NM. Strange that one day it would be her that I'd seek 'revenge' on...
When replying to one of Jessie's comments on the last post, I realised something about the sociopath/psychopath/demon/narcissist who is my NM. The only way, the only way, to win against her, to disable her, to render her harmless is to become her.
To out-manipulate her, I have to think like her, be like her. I have to stop seeing her as a human being with a right to dignity and view her as an adversary. I have to defeat her, and I mean really defeat her; take her out of the game. De-claw her. De-throne her. Destroy her.
No taking the high road. No turning the other cheek. I'd have to bare my teeth and rip into her the way she rips into me. I'd start with her physical appearance - she's always been sensitive about her looks - and I'd slowly, deliberately pick apart every flaw, every shortcoming. I'd say it benignly enough, without overt emotion, to make sure it all sunk in.
I'd be just like my NGrandfather - I would seek out the insecurities, the flaws, the chinks in the armour, slip in a knife quickly so she didn't pull away, and twist it, slowly, at just the right pace. Then I'd twist a different knife, just to make sure she couldn't get wise and mount a response. Before she'd muster up the willpower to stand up to me, I'd have already moved onto a new wound, twisting the knife there. Always one step ahead. Cold, calculating.
Soon, she'd be disoriented and hurt. She wouldn't run away or fight back - she'd hardly know what to fight back against, as there were so many little innocuous comments, observations, sleights that seemed as though they were meant as compliments. It's always impossible to name the pain, point at the insult. I'd deny it, and tell her that she was imagining it, reading too much into it, being paranoid. I'd gaslight her now, too, and bring up another time that she was mistaken, to cause her to doubt her own perceptions. I'd pretend that I was trying to help her - that I cared.
And then, I'd seal the deal (for today, anyway - it's a long campaign). I'd say something vaguely loving to her. Something supportive, but again, wrapped in a comment that would erode a little more of her away. Something encouraging yet discouraging.
(I'm rather relieved I couldn't actually construct that last sentence as an example! It's good to know you're not an evil genius like the one who maimed you!)
But this isn't me. I don't believe in repaying bad with bad - in those situations, I believe in walking away. Disengaging. And yet I have such trouble in walking away, once and for all, from my FOO and the NM.
Even if I was capable of pulling off the ultimate coup d'etat by beating her at her own game, I wouldn't allow myself; what if the feeling of dominance, of control, of power would corrupt me?
Power corrupts and ultimate power corrupts absolutely.
Is this how my NM went from being ACoN to N? Did she try to overthrow her father and fail? Clearly she failed - she is now catering to his every whim in his old age; a servant, a cook, a whipping boy. And she hates him for it (so says my EF).
My NM can't fail at anything. She has to win, always win. She always has to be 'right'.
So I came about, a defenseless baby - I was the one she'd control. I provided her with power, just by being small and helpless. And then by being needy and helpless. And later by being needy, angry and easily manipulated. I think I'm still needy (of the love I never had), but mostly angry and easily manipulated.
I satisfy her insane lust for power. No wonder she 'needs me' back so badly; I'm a work of art - carefully sculpted and built to serve a particular function. There is no one else quite like me - the special little scapegoat.
As I said to Jessie, NM pulls my strings and pushes my buttons - strings and buttons that have always worked for her in the past. So I've gotten 'stronger' - I've disabled those or am prepared with counter-measures to offset their effects. And then she yanks a string I didn't even know I had, causing me to jerk accordingly, to react. To prove to her that she can make me dance whenever she wants. I'd like to think I can handle her now. That I know all her secrets and can defend myself. But the truth is that I know, somewhere in my heart, that she'll always be one step ahead of me. She's got the 'evil edge' - the villain always manages to pull a fast one on the hero of the story by exploiting the compassion, the 'weakness', of the hero. Try as I might, I'm never going to be able to deliver that final blow. I'm not a monster. This is the final chink in the armour that I can't fill in. I can't fill it in because it's what makes me different than my NM. It might be one of the few things that differentiates me.
Hmmm.
I feel used. Like a sex toy or something. Like something someone gets off on and tosses aside. A loathsome object that is resented; my use, my presence exposes a 'problem' for the user. In the case of a sex toy, I'm a missing partner, or the inability to be pleased in a natural way, or maybe I'm representative of a sexual dysfunction. Maybe I'm a guilty fantasy that is not to be indulged, but is - I satisfy, but I give guilt.
For my NM, I'm a victim - I'm weaker than her (which is what she wants), but I'm also her 'baby', her ward, an innocent. I'll bet that I triggered some guilt, was then resented for that, and then hated all the more. Maybe I'm right and this cycle repeated, causing her to feel less guilt and more hate; eventually she started to enjoy my pain in a sadistic way. Where there was once guilt, there is now hatred; I deserve to be abused.
Sometimes I can't mentally take 'the high road'. Sometimes I fall short of the ideal (generally a Biblical one) that I set for myself. I know it's a daily struggle and that humans aren't perfect. But there is a part of me that is really, really bad. Pure anger, pure hatred. And it burns so badly - I am tempted to put it into use and hurt my NM the way she hurt me. I mean really hurt her - take her down. Destroy her power over me. Humiliate her.
If I thought I could do it, that I could outwit her and out match her nastiness, would I try it? I don't know. I think the anger blinds me to the fact that 'evil' people are unbeatable. If hatred is sin, and if sin causes you to do wrong, and we are warned against sin - not just 'cause it's morally objectionable but because it will destroy us - I can see that it's wise not to follow the temptation. No good could come of it, even if I was just thinking of my own needs. I don't want to sell myself out to score a point on NM. I don't want to risk getting stuck there, becoming the person I hate! And I especially don't want to risk treating anyone the way I was treated (with the possible exception of my NM - hence the title of the post).
Revenge is not something to seek, ACoNs. No good can come of it - how many times have we learned this from literature and movies?! But it's a temptation we as human beings must face.
And so I will seek 'revenge' in the only positive way I know how: I'll live well. And perhaps in time, I'll forgive, but never forget.
I'll stave off the temptation to slide into vengeance. As Jesus himself said,
"Put your sword back into its place. For all who take the sword will perish by the sword."I don't want to go the same route my NM went. Proverb 25:26 says,
Like a muddied spring or a polluted fountain is a righteous man who gives way before the wicked.Yeah. I don't want to be muddied any more than I already am. I'm sure it would feel good, sinfully good, to roll around the muck and mire of malignant narcissism. But I'm also sure it would be a curse; a thirst that would never be quenched, a hunger that would never be satisfied.
And that sounds exactly like the situation I'm already in; yearning forever for a love I'll never receive. So I guess I'm not missing out by taking that high road. I'll continue to stick to my morals, to fight the good fight, and to keep that sword sheathed - I don't want to suffer the same fate as the one my NM will . . . abandonment. I don't want to spend my life hurting others to make myself feel good.
Wow.
ReplyDeleteMy NM was the completely IGNORING type. That means that I was brought up in complete emotional silence. There was nothing. Absolutely nothing. No sharing, no intimacy, no dialogue, no bond, no connection-- there wasn't even a distorted kind of love, a misguided anything.. apart from when she was shaming me. We're talkin' NOTHING; not a scrap of terrycloth on my wire mother. As I had not a single soul available to take the place of a mother during my growing, I went it completely alone.
(I have yet to meet up with another ACoN in my shoes or even read about that side of the spectrum of maternal narcissism. The engulfers are so much more prevalent.) I believe I would have been better off not actually having HAD a "mother" physically present, than having had this woman there that I needed and wanted and craved and deserved to have been nurtured by.. but couldn't have.
So, when I read this tonight, I FEEL your wrath coming through but I can't relate to it in regards to my own Nparent. I CAN relate to it it in regards to the darkness that is inside of me in general, and the way I struggle with my own screwed-up reactions to things. There is fire in me, but I have always let it burn me on the inside. I have a history of having been self-destructive. I have a history of waywardness. I have been lost for most of my life.
So, when it comes to thinking about my NM, while I was still in the relationship with her, I felt resentment and irritability and contempt, but now after three years plus away from her--
there is nothing more than a huge void and all the personal emptiness and sorrow that comes from the knowledge of being truly discarded by the one person that I know should have been my sanctuary.
Oh yuck. You're right - we had different experiences! I do feel the same as you, though, in that I think I would have been better off without a mother altogether (in my case, to avoid the 'tainted love' that was so soul-wrecking; in yours, because ANYONE else present in her place would have provided more warmth and support, not a vacuum of outer space!).
DeleteRevenge is a terrible trap to fall into. Maybe you're fortunate to avoid it. Then again, this self-destructiveness and a huge void doesn't exactly sound fun either...!
I know we're all different people with different experiences, but I still think there's "types" of narcissistic parents that generate "types" of ACoNs! Engulfing versus ignoring is probably the biggest difference. Physically/sexually violent versus emotional manipulator is another (woe to the poor soul who gets both, though!).
I'd love to read a post that contrasts the experiences of someone in your shoes (the ignoring "wire mother" - brilliant imagery!) versus someone in mine (perhaps more 'the norm' for ACoNs).
I have a new idea for my next "poll"! 'Were you engulfed or ignored?!'
"hurting others to make myself feel good" This is not the way it works. They feel good at the moment they are trashing you but the moment doesn't last. That's why they have to do it again and again. That's why they escalate.
ReplyDeleteMy NF's escalation was his undoing because he drove the final nail into his own coffin. The NGC met his demise using the same tactics.
If you view it as win lose, you'll be like me and stumble over your pride. Pride kept me from giving up and walking away. Funny, I didn't want to be a "quitter" but, now I'm proud BECAUSE I had the courage to walk away.
(The serenity prayer was a HUGE help!)
Thanks Mulderfan! Yeah, I too see the "hurting others to make yourself feel good" as an addiction - they can never get enough, can they? Chasing the next, bigger fix... so sad, so sick!
DeleteThanks for the 'pride' point. It is pride that makes me want to seek revenge or 'win' by taking the high road! I hadn't really thought of it - I appreciate you pointing this out!
Again, my shrink is wise - it's a 'game' that cannot be won!
Serenity Prayer, for anyone unfamiliar with it:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
The rest of the prayer:
DeleteLiving one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
Dearest QG,
ReplyDeletewhat a magnificent post. What honesty and courage. I love what you've shared with us here. We all have cycled through such thinking. But you are so right that MN's have the "evil edge." It is what it is. And if you try to do it all right back to them, you have to give them so much mental real estate in your head. The last compliment I got from my NM was: "your posture's amazing--you look like you have a pole up your ass."
Could you ever, in your right mind, say that to someone? I've often thought about how I'd compliment her in kind. Maybe..."nice collagen injections--your upper lip looks like Mr. Ed's" or, "nice jewelry--such loud colors." Said with naivete, as if it weren't an insult. But when we "think like them" we poison ourselves further. I understand the rage. But the reason you are writing here is precisely because you are not her. You've identified HER as the problem. Eventually you will have to whack that umbilicus. I hope you don't have to suffer decades of trying to make it work. I did. What a freaking waste.
Thank you so much, CS! I'm glad I'm not alone in my rage. I half wondered if I'd awake today to comments saying, "Holy crap, you're psychotic! What is wrong with you?!" :-)
Delete(Thank you everyone for understanding the pain and the rage!)
Heh heh - $20 says my NM has gotten collagen injections, too. Hey, to each his own, right? But why do I get the feeling that N's constitute 90% of a plastic surgeon's income? Normal people want to be 'normal' - N's want to be 'exceptional'! (It takes a lot of work!).
Phew. I owe you guys all so much gratitude for the advice to get out now and not stick around, wasting time. I can sense that to stick around with my FOO would be a colossal waste of my time and sanity (and my soul). It's hard to cut the cord, as you point out! But all of you voice the same regret - waiting solves nothing, and they only get worse.
Does the guilt of cutting them out (permanent NC) wane? Do you have to ameliorate the guilt on a regular basis, or does it go away when the 'problem' goes away?
I think the thing I fear the most is regret - I don't want to go NC and then have to live with myself thinking I was cruel to have done so.
Funny, 'cause I certainly don't view any of you as being heartless or cruel for doing the same thing! Why I can't extrapolate that feeling back to myself is a mystery!
My guilt at first waned then simply evaporated after my final encounter with my NF. I'm a little ashamed to admit I have one regret...I've most likely lost my share of their substantial estate and I sure as hell earned it!
DeleteI have analyzed why I waited and it comes down to this: Apart from years of conditioning, I accepted the need to walk away on an intellectual level but it took me a while to make the leap on an emotional level.
Hi Quercus,
ReplyDeleteI have worn my shoes to tatters taking high roads and low roads and falling into holes I dug myself and then one rock at a time, climbing out of those holes only to have a narcissist step on my fingers and push me back down. A woman tends to get angry after awhile. ;-P
My rage, like your rage, feels empowering. Kinda like jet fuel rockets strapped to tattered shoes. The good thing is that 'we' get to direct the rockets and we CAN set our sites on doing good, or we can set our sites on doing evil.
I think for a lot of people, they don't even realize they're making a conscious choice to head one direction or the other. It's so instinctive, it's character defining. I really appreciate your willingness AND your courage in sharing share in your dueling who-am-I message.
I copied this quote and put it on a wooden block that has been sitting by my computer for ten years now. It says:
"Your thoughts determine your actions. Your actions determine your habits. Your habits determine your character. And your character gives birth to your destiny."
I think narcissists become narcissists because they have acted on thoughts and feelings of envy and hatred and resentments and will-to-power so many times that their thoughts have determined their character. And that character, as noxious and predatory as it has become, has determined their destiny. Abandonment by any and all who ever dared love them.
Powerful post, Quercus...
Hugs,
CZ
Wow! Thanks for your compassion and understanding, CZ!!! And thanks especially for your insight! I love the thoughts -> actions, actions -> habits, habits -> character, character -> destiny paradigm! That's very true!
DeleteThe good news is that all you have to do is change your thoughts and, over time, you should start to change your destiny.
These thought processes always remind me of "A Christmas Carol" - Ebenezer Scrooge was given quite the gift of foresight into his own miserable future. He awoke a new man, determined to follow a new destiny.
If only the ghosts of Christmases Past, Present and Future would haunt my NM! Seriously, in the case of the narcissist, we're talking 'divine intervention' to get them to change course!
Loving this comment of yours - so clear!
Hugs in return!
QG :-)
i'm going to disagree a little with what my good friend CZ says at the end here. If everyone abandoned narcs eventually, we wouldn't feel so cut off and maligned. The problem is that many,, if not most, family members will stay enmeshed. So the one who does the work to try to communicate with authenticity, to grow and alter the power imbalance in adulthood, ends up getting sacrificed or scapegoated. I'm the only one in my FOO to do this. The rest are enablers and co-dependents of my two (BOTH) narc parents. So I am painted as the bad child. After all, all the rest of them "love getting together."
DeleteAlso, the imagery of tattered shoes and jet packs is perfect! I always picture Ripley from Alien (or the hero of virtually any action movie, about 2 minutes from the credits!), cut up, dirtied, sweaty and panting, pointing a very large weapon toward the big bag guy and steeling themselves to get the resolve to pull the trigger!
DeleteI think we always want the hero to shoot so that justice will be served. But actually pulling that trigger makes you a killer, too.
Sun Tzu said:
"If you sit by the river long enough, you will see the body of your enemy float by."
Narcissists will be, and are, their own undoing! Just as you say in the last paragraph!
Good point, C.S. - some people don't break free and leave the N, so total abandonment doesn't always happen.
DeleteBut you know, I've often wondered about those that stay behind. The narcissistic don't love others, and those that are enmeshed but who are not N's probably feel a certain antipathy towards the N parent.
So maybe you're both right - CZ because those who were truly capable of love and feeling will have long since left, and CS because the ones that stay behind can't be completely 'sane'...! (Urgh, imagine spending 'forever' as a co-dependent of an N!!!! Hell on earth!)
I don't think the ones that stay truly love the N. I think they're just caught. You can't truly love a narcissist, because they'll never properly reciprocate. You'll give and give and never receive.
I posted this comment in the wrong place, so I deleted it and am hopefully posting where it belonged!
DeleteAs I was saying:
I L-O-V-E Alien. Every sequel. I love Ripley protecting the child and fighting in a mechanical suit, ill-fitting and cumbersome. That is exactly how I feel when donning the boundaries that I NEED because of the alien creatures threatening me.
Do I like putting metal and steel around my heart? NO. BUT when someone wants your tender heart for a meaty sandwich, you are obligated to wear defensive armor. What a metaphor...LOL...I am on a roll now!
Of course you are right, Caliban. Not everyone abandons the narcissist. Especially if that narcissist has money or any power over others---like the power to love (or not) their children.
DeleteGetting out and getting away from a narcissistic family is enormously difficult. Growing into yourself is challenged at every point because the more authentic we become, the more we threaten the narcissist's need for power over us (even the need to define who we are and WHAT we can become!)
I'm glad you brought up this point because ACoNs don't give themselves enough credit for NOT being narcissists. For choosing the "path less traveled" and yielding to an inner drive for authentic integrity, rather than succumbing to fears of abandonment, rejection and maybe even punishment!
Perhaps my comment about abandoned narcissists with nobody to love them, was simply a projection of my WISHFUL thinking. ha!
Hi QG, Great post. I'm glad that our discussion got you thinking further.
ReplyDeleteI have been were you are at. There are moments when I think "I can destroy you". See, I have no doubt that if I adopted my mother's narcissistic ways, the covert slights, the little jabs to get even, that I could take her down. She's not that strong...but that's my NM. And I've lived so many years as the recipient of this crap, from so many people that I feel I've had a master class. Oh, yes, these sad, little insecure people would be no match for me if I decided to "give them some of their own medicine". Frankly, they are just not smart enough to match wits with me (and I hope that doesn't come off as cocky as it sounds).
The thing is, and I think to clarify my earlier comment, I don't want to win against my NM or NMIL. I'm not looking to destroy them. I just sometimes feel like going NC is them running me off from my life. There would be SO many people that would side with NM and NMIL. Some are enmeshed, some are just stupid, and some are naive. Lots and lots of others just don't see the reality of who they are. So, as Cal's Sis said above, I'd always live life as the black sheep, the outsider, and that angers me. Not that I want to prove I'm right, but that I'd have to sacrifice so many people and so much of my family in order to save myself.
I'd like to believe that I'm strong enough to deflect, to remove the emotion, to just not give a shit about her anymore. That I could become Teflon and that whatever she would say would just bounce off. That I could realize she's just a wack-job, but refuse to allow her to run me off from the family. I'm sure I'm naive. I'm sure I'm deluded. I'm sure the only way at peace would be to just get the hell out. But, it makes me angry that I let her get to me. That her little covert bullshit hurts me. That she wants to run me out into exile.
I don't want to win against her. And, for me, I'm not really good at revenge (not that I don't understand it.) I just want to be stronger than her. I want to show her that SHE doesn't matter to ME and she can't hurt me anymore.
You are not alone on the rage. I called it "Lake Rage." Dissociation cut me off from my feelings, great coping tool in extreme situations, just a lousy way to live. Even my counselor was a bit surprised about how incredibly angry I felt. He helped me talk through it. I am with the sentiment that I have no desire to become like her. I noticed that she will purposely poke and prod to get an angry reaction then she will piously point to the other person for their cruel words. I figure if I do what I need to do to beat her at her game, I lose myself. I disengage. Walking away, any path away is my healthiest choice. Sometimes I am sad about it but less and less often.
ReplyDeleteWow, Ruth - thanks so much for this. This is also my NM, exactly! I was the abuser, I was the cruel one, I was the one making people upset. It's head-wrecking. No wonder I have identity issues; am I the person I think I am, or am I a nasty piece of work? (But then I realise that if I really was a horrible, angry, cruel b*tch, they wouldn't plead with me to spend time with them! Can't have it both ways, NParents! You can't have me but not accept me!)
DeleteI've gone 6 months NC with my physically abusive NPD middle aged 'mother' and as is her usual modus operandi, she has enlisted her flying monkey brother to call me and inform her that she was involved in a fender bender. I asked my uncle if she was seriously hurt, because she has used so many lies and excuses to lure me back into her sick web after I've managed to cut that b*tch off, things like lying about dying from terminal diseases and other contrived medical crises that seem to magically disappear as soon as I provide the sicko's supply needs. She is never above bold face lying and using third parties to relay this (dis)information to me, then flat out denying it when confronted about it later. Sick, sick, sick. My uncle responded that she had bumped her head and forgone a trip to the emergency room in lieu of seeing her chiropractor, but then decided the following day AFTER the "accident"to go to the emergency room. At this point, I knew that it was just yet another one of her many crying wolf ruses to use pity as a means of coercing me to contact her. I shocked myselt when I heard the words come out of my mouth: "Keep me informed". I said it with just the right balance of detached concern, just to let her know that the jig is up. My uncle then basically scolded me and said that I should call her. I said, "Riiight. Suuuuure." Then hung up. The world did not end. I felt a tremendous anxiety, followed by total clarity of mind, with a resolve to just disengage and refuse to play the guilt game. It was easier because I actually realized how much I loathed and pitied her for having to live like she does. She is bitter because she never managed to make me her emotionally crippled puppet. My sweet, adoring husband of 15 years is snoring peacefully beside me as I type this, while she has no one and nothing to look forward to this holiday season but trying to shift masks as she concocts excuses to her co-workers and unwitting acquaintances about why my husband and I are not going to be buying her whole Thanksgiving meal in a couple of weeks. Knowing her, it should be epic :)
DeleteSo yes, living well is truly the best revenge. Stay strong, and for those of you in the initial phases of no contact, just remember that the more you empower yourself with distance, the weaker and more insignificant they become.
So that's it, my brothers and sisters of NPD parents or siblings. DETACH without fear or guilt, so that you may truly live well. These 'people' have no compunction about destroying your sanity, so save your feelings of care and concern for those who are capable of reciprocity and genuine empathy, not vampires.
Wow, Anon - I love this. It gives me quite a bit of hope to know that they diminish in stature with distance. I'm still at the "I'll never be rid of them, and they'll keep escalating 'til I'm dead!" phase, which is an unpleasant one.
DeleteI like how you pointed out that "the world did not end". And also your peacefully sleeping husband - all that anxiety really is just in our heads, isn't it? If we can shut it out, we can live in peace....
I suppose the trick is getting good at shutting it out! That's the hard part for me! :-)
Please do continue to comment (or submit a whole post for posting!), Anon - this is good stuff!
Thank you, Quercus. I made a minor pronoun typo in the opening. It should have read, "He has enlisted her flying monkey brother to call *me* and inform me that she was involved in a fender bender", not "her".
ReplyDeleteThey say that all of our life's experiences shape who we are, for better or worse, and in my case, I've learned my strength from being abused by someone foolish and sad enough to abuse the mighty ties of family for their own ends; in addition to vowing to never, ever subject anyone to how I wouldn't tolerate being treated. May we all not just survive, but thrive.
Thanks again for this space, Quercus. I would be more than happy to check in in the near future and submit a posting! :)
A.