ACoN Support Personnel - an Essential Service

by Quercus

I have often pondered aloud with my shrink as to why I sought out therapy at this most inconvenient, stressful and busy time of my life. I've never been the most strategically minded, but I was beginning to wonder if my timing in sorting out all this NPD-FOO mess wasn't just catastrophically mistimed but actually deliberate - an act of self-sabotage, perhaps?

"You sought help now because you were finally in a position to do so. You consciously or unconsciously jumped at your first opportunity to address the issues. You were just waiting until you had the resources available, by which I mean the support of your husband and physical and financial independence from your parents." - my psychologist

Huh. Well done, my unconscious mind, leaping to my defense by enlisting help at the earliest opportunity! It's made the rest of my life a right mess, but I suppose there's no time in particular that would have been seen as convenient. So why put off 'til tomorrow what you can do today?

I guess I had been emotionally chomping at the bit, and when those gates opened to expose just a sliver of daylight, I was off to the races!

I couldn't have done it without my husband, though. (This is not going to devolve into some sort of sloppy, mushy poem about the love of my life, I promise!). The truth of the matter is that a caring friend could have helped me just as much. I think back on all of my close friends, though, and I see that none of them were either willing or able to help me out. Lack of will probably because of lack of intimacy - it's just hard to care that much about someone's comfort when you're not emotionally tied to it, I suppose. Sometimes a lack of will because as friends they are less than ideal (I don't think I can pick 'em - still have a bit of a blind spot for the horribly self-absorbed). And more often than not, the lack of the ability to help me out; I can think of one good friend who would have, but had so much of her own garbage to sort through that it made it practically impossible to extend a hand to me.

I've read blogs and comments by other ACoNs who were extremely fortunate enough to have a co-scapegoat sibling who are allies in their collective escape from the FOO. It strikes me that this set of circumstances is extraordinarily rare; most often, your poisonous parent has prevented bonding between siblings to better control you, or has pitted you against each other to compete for the parent's affection. My NM did both.

My youngest sibling and I have a weak but real relationship, though we are anything but 'close'. Using gender neutral terms to hide my identity from lurking NP's, the youngest isn't the golden child. The youngest also has felt the wrath of NM and EF, but is unwilling and/or unable to 'go there'. I sent them information on NPD, explained why I think NM has it (which didn't take much - she's textbook!), and they shrugged it off and said, "Yes, I see. I can't deal with this right now."

And so I count myself quite fortunate in that at least I can establish some dialogue. When the sh*t hits the fan and I am expunged from my FOO (hooray! Private party in my mind!), the youngest will remember the 'explanation' for such behaviour and can reach their own conclusion on the matter. If they go the ACoN route, I'll be glad for the company.

Apart from that one swing vote in my youngest sibling, everyone else is firmly trapped in the web of my FOO's pathology. Some have made a comfortable existence for themselves right in the thick of the spider silk, and I can't imagine them wanting to give up their power and influence to break free (even if it is ultimately in their own best interests).

I don't have any ACoN friends, unless you'll permit me to count yourself as a friend.

None of my in-the-flesh friends 'get it', not even close. I remember Anna Valerious (Narcissists Suck) in a Mother's Day themed post:

I don't blame the ignorant for their ignorance on this matter. In fact, there is something kind of innocent and sweet about them. They had a mother who truly loved them. How can they conceptualize a mother who is the complete inverse of good motherhood? What precedent could they use to pattern your mother after? Only fictional ones. Which is why they think these mothers only live in fiction. Therefore, you are making it up. Only the children who have witnessed the evil mother behind closed doors...the only place where her true evil was on full display...can attest to the existence of the soul-sucking mother who actually hates her children. Don't despise the innocent folk who were blessed with loving mothers. In fact, try to shelter these innocents from the truth of your mother. They are not equipped to handle what you know. Spare them when possible. Your mother is the stuff of nightmares. Don't foist those nightmares on the innocent if you can avoid doing so. - Anna Valerious, Narcissists Suck - Narcissist Mothers Suck

I quoted the whole paragraph (thanks Anna!) because it was such a good one. I think back to this every time I get frustrated that a friend has completely missed the point of an NPD or NM-centric conversation. "Try to shelter these innocents" is the phrase that echoes in my mind.

So I started this blog (this 'society') for myself and all the other ACoNs out there. I wanted to create a place where all the ACoNs could find each other. We're the only people who are going to understand what each other is going through, apart from a few loving, special people in our lives (I think of Jonsi, who is the lovely wife of an ACoN, and who has a terrific perspective on the subject as a result of being ever so slightly removed from it).

I hope that if you don't have anyone in your life who is committed to stand by you, to believe the incredulous-sounding stories you relate, and to 'go to bat' with you against the FOO when necessary, that you find the support you're needing here (that is, the internet as a whole) from fellow ACoNs. We'll cheer you on, we'll believe you, and we'll even be able to relate.

Don't underestimate the importance of 'ACoN Support Personnel' in your life. It might mean the difference between staying trapped in the web, or having the guts to start cutting free!