Gaslighting: Psychological manipulation intended to cause you to mistrust your own perceptions.
The term 'gaslighting' comes from the 1944 movie Gaslight, a dramatic thriller about the psychological manipulation of a wife by her husband who is desperate to hide a secret. He convinces her that the gas-powered lights in their house are not dimming (even though they are), and plays tricks on her until she becomes incapable of trusting her own perceptions. This way, he can get away with just about anything and convince her she's just going crazy; it never happened.
(Follow the link above to the IMDb page for Gaslight - there's a trailer from MGM that you can watch. A young Angela Lansbury (Murder, She Wrote) plays a supporting role in this film, alongside the beautiful Ingrid Bergman and some guys I've never heard of).
I first read about 'gaslighting' on the "Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" website (which serves to promote a new-age healing technique called 'EFT' and apparently a book written by the website author). I can't vouch for the safety or authenticity of the 'healing technique' or for her book, but the author has some great little reference-style articles that you may find useful.
Gaslighting is an evil thing to do; it's brainwashing someone into believing that they are losing their mind.
Your parent may have employed this same tactic in order to convince you that you aren't remembering something correctly (i.e. a sexual assault; they may constantly change the 'story' so that you begin to doubt your own memory and then decide not to go to the police after all - I believe this is tantamount to 'Obstruction of Justice', but I'm no expert here). Or they maybe just use it to cover up their own tracks, such as convincing you that they 'never said that' by being able to 'prove' to you that your hearing is impaired.
If your parent engaged in gaslighting, take heed of this warning: only a really sinister, cunning and dangerous person would think up such a scheme, and the sort of person who executes such a rouse is someone to be extremely cautious around. Maybe I wasn't clear enough - RUN. Head for the hills. If they can justify making you think you're insane or deaf or blind or whatever, what else can they justify doing? You may be dealing with a psychopath.
If you think 'psychopath' is too harsh a term, read the definition of psychopathy on Wikipedia (and the prevalence; it's estimated that 1 in every 100 people are psychopathic). Note also that comorbid conditions include Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Gaslighting will seriously wreck your head. Find a trusted friend (better yet, a therapist or psychologist) and help them to help you undo the kinks put into your brain by a malignant narcissist. It's not easy to undo the damage, but it can be done (and fairly quickly, in my experience). I think that of all the erroneous thoughts and thought patterns you have to work to undo, the effects of gaslighting are the easiest, provided you're clear and free of the person who had 'dimmed the lights' on you.
Segregate yourself from the psychological terrorist and enlist help. Gaslighting can be undone, and it feels really good when you can go back to trusting your own perceptions again.
Good news! Once I read about and recognized gaslighting, the technique never worked on me again. It was a great relief to find out that I am not the one who's crazy!
ReplyDeleteYou're right though, it takes a special kind of parent to want to convince their OWN kid she's nuts.
Thanks Mulderfan!
ReplyDeleteActually, maybe I didn't emphasize enough how quickly and easily you can put a stop to 'gaslighting'. I think it depends on the person and situation. I know for me, my NMom had me so mistrustful of my own feelings and perceptions that I needed a few trusted allies to bounce 'reality' off of before I was able to trust my view again.
But if you haven't been that screwed with psychologically, moving away and/or educating yourself might be enough! :)
Thanks for the optimism, Mulderfan! It's good to remember that not all effects of Nparents persist!
Not only can I see it with the Nparents I can see it when Nboss tries it or any other. Occasionally, I'll practice watching it happen with characters on TV. It is one of those things that once you are aware and trust yourself again, it is almost amusing to watch them continue to use the same old methods that don't work any more. Great post.
ReplyDeleteThanks Ruth! :)
ReplyDelete