Stop Parenting your Parents

by Quercus

My psychologist pointed out something to me the other day that made me feel a little silly. He and I were discussing how being an ACoN in relationship with an NPD parent is a lose-lose situation. What he noticed is a narcissistic trait that I have that causes me to routinely place myself into a classic lose-lose set-up.

Here's the example from my life:

My NMother hated me the first moment I stole attention away from her - probably seconds after birth. "Had you been a boy," my shrink notes, "you probably would have been treated the way your golden child brother was: adored, practically worshiped. Instead, you were seen as a threat. A major threat to your mother's ability to feel special."

I'm going to pull an Elaine Benes here and "yadda, yadda, yadda" my childhood away and get to the here and now: my EFather has to choose between my NMother and myself.

Now don't think this is something I cooked up! What my wonderful psychologist has pointed out is that the moment I showed up sans-penis, I was a threat to my mother. I was never daddy's little girl - Daddy would pay a very high price for any action that was perceived as doting on me (instead of my mother - it was always instead, never as well as; Mommy Dearest never learned how to share).

At present, I'm extremely-low-contact, verging on the 'no contact'. I've told my parents, kindly, that I need space from them. My EFather has lapsed a few times, once when my NMom left him (temporarily, it seems), and has asked me for my naked, unvarnished opinion on 'the situation'. I've told him all about NPD. He didn't want to hear it, and has seemingly forgotten this whole pivotal conversation since.

Now he's bargaining to meet up with me alone. Once he did this and sprung my NMom on me, so now I have to state that I won't be set-up again (he always acts horrified that I'd accuse him of such a thing, as if he'd never tried it!).

Here's what I would dearly love to be able to point out to EDad:

1. Mom will NEVER forgive you if you get to see me and she doesn't.
2. Mom will seethe and writhe and start blaming you for the lack of a mother-daughter relationship. 
3. You, Dad, will become the Scapegoat that I am (which you have experienced briefly at other times, only to throw blame squarely on my shoulders again and again).
4. You're only going to plead with me to patch things up with Mom for your own sake (you don't want to become the permanent Scapegoat in my absence). You don't care an iota about my needs - you don't care about your own kid more than yourself. And I can see it. Everyone can.

I want to tell my EDad these things to be fair. I want to be kind. I want to help. Either he knows these truths and ignores them, or he hasn't figured it out and needs my help. Note the "needs my help" - my narcissistic legacy is that somewhere inside of me, I believe I have the capabilities that others do not. I can boldly go where no one else dares to. I'm very narcissistic about my ability to 'help'. I'm working on this 'Saviour Complex' - it certainly doesn't do me any favours, and I don't want any narcissistic traits. They only ever hurt other people; in my case, it may prevent people from growing up themselves since I keep trying to give them the short-cuts and solving problems for them.

What I'm doing is playing the parent.

Parentification: The abuse of a child by training them to act as the (emotional) provider (the parent) of their own adult parents. As a result, the child becomes responsible for aspects of the parent's well-being; the resource-less child is given the task of supporting the emotionally crippled or deranged adult parent. The child misses out on key aspects of his or her childhood as they are made to be responsible for the parent's needs (instead of how it should be - the opposite way around).

I've been trained to be the parent of my parents from a very early age. Every day I would hear "You're killing your mother." and/or "You're breaking your mother's heart."

'Killing' my mother was a decidedly simple task; I simply had to refuse to try her casserole or eat my broccoli. She'd run crying and screaming out of the room, throw herself dramatically on the bed and sob like a drama queen. I'd get slapped silly by Pa, and then be told that I caused my Mommie to die a little on the inside.

'Breaking her heart' was even easier. I did it all the time without ever once intending to. I think I may have done it most often when I was trying my absolute best to get her to love me . . . all my attempts were in vain. She feels love only for herself. It was me and my Dad and my siblings all fighting it out for any affection the ice queen dished out. She liked it that way. She felt important.

Every time I tried to do what my parents asked of me, I failed. I did a 'terrible job' at parenting my parents. Every single thing I tried met with more abuse. And it still goes that way.

I want to tell EDad to cut ties with me and save himself - it's what he always does in the end anyway. I want him to realise that she's putting him in an impossible situation; the only way he can win is if I self-sacrifice and let her cannibalize me again.

I won't give in, I won't return. For too long I was abused, sucked dry by the fangs of my NMom. I cannot afford to do so now. I have a husband and therefore a 'family' of my own that is my number one priority. My marriage is going to win out every time over my insane mother's perceived 'needs'. I do not apologise for that. She's a big girl, and she was even when she popped me out of her uterus 30 some-odd years hence. If she hasn't learned to be self-sufficient by now, it's her own damned fault.

But if I tell EDad the answer, I am parenting. And I'm not parenting well, either; I'm not allowing him to make mistakes and learn the truth for himself. I'm stunting his growth!

And every time I 'parent', I get blamed. It's a catch-22; if I don't "look after them", I'm loathed and resented. If I do "look after their needs", I am abused and mocked. Every bloody time I do what they're asking me to do, I lose.

It's time for me to know that my parents are big kids and it's time for them to be set free. They're going to have difficulty, they're going to hurt and struggle and suffer. But if they don't, they'll never grow up.

I'm going to start acting like a child for the first time in my life. I'm going to shrug and say "I dunno." I'm not going to think about their problems, I'm not going to plan ahead for them, I'm not going to do ANY of the things that they as adults, least of all as actual parents, should have long since done for themselves.

If they fall flat on their faces, so be it. If they keep hitting their heads against the same brick wall and can't see the door 2 feet to their right - I will let them continue to hit the bricks. If they can't look after themselves by now, they are truly beyond help.

I don't know if any of this will apply to your situation, fellow ACoN. But if it does, consider retiring from "parent parenthood". They'll whine and scream like the emotional pre-teens that they are, but they'll be okay in the end. They might actually be forced to grow up a little, which, as we know, is a nicer place to be.