FOO Fighters

Post by Quercus

Is Someone Getting the Best of You?

Ah, the FOO Fighters. Perhaps an even better name for this blog!

Our Families Of Origin are toxic, nasty 'mob families' (as Anna Valerious puts it in her blog, Narcissists Suck - see the excellent post "Two Models of Family"). But they are our families. And wanting to effectively divorce your family brings up all sorts of feelings of guilt. ACoNs are hard-wired for guilt-trips. Leaving the FOO is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do.

One of the things I struggled with most was reading the blogs of other ACoNs - strong-willed, hardened warriors who had gone "no contact" and mercilessly cut their family right out of their lives, cold turkey.

How I admired them.

I knew in my heart of hearts that I would never, ever have the balls (lit. and fig. speaking) to pull that stunt off. I just couldn't stomach the idea of losing them all - my family! The people I grew up with. With all these thoughts and memories in my heart and my mind - I was certain that I would never go completely "no contact". It scared me to even imagine it.

Well that was then. That was about a year ago, maybe even six months ago. Let me tell you right now - you might think you'll never step away totally from your FOO. You'll decide to go "low contact", like I have. It'll be a step in the right direction, and you're optimistic, or just hopeful, that it'll give you the space you need to get your feet under you so you can handle your NParent. So you can set some boundaries. So you can stand up to the bully, kindly, and get them to recognize you as an autonomous adult in your own right.

Now I understand most keenly the reason why so many blogs by fellow ACoNs have been so rigid and unyielding. "Leave!" they say. "Run! Head for the hills! Never look back!" Here's a whole section on Luke 17:3 Ministries on cutting them out of your life - permanently! They talk of years and years "wasted", energy better spent on anything else - in short, regrets that they didn't leave the FOO decades earlier.

Why so harsh? I believe you'll have to experience it to see it for yourself. Your hardened vigilante ACoN brothers and sisters are lovingly trying to save you from a regrettable situation that you will, inevitably, have to face . . . alone, standing up against the narcissistic parents (underdog anthem on stand-by).

For starters, lessening contact is addictive. You're going to want more of it. It just feels that good to start cutting the ties as you establish "low contact".

Then just when you start to relax into the possibility of a slightly freer life, they'll come for you.

It's like they're fishing: they've long since hooked you, and now they're letting you think you're free. You think you're escaping, and they know you're just exhausting yourself. Soon, they'll be reeling you in, tired, defeated. They're luring you into a false sense of security.

And then, when the time is right for them, they'll jerk you right back again. Some people do it hard and fast and all of a sudden, and some enjoy the game and let it last. Either way, you thought your new-found freedom was real, and they were confident all along that they could drag you back.

They will try to reel you back in. There are many tactics; they can pretend to have improved (this is temporary - believe us), they can give a weak or non-apology for their 'supposed' actions (this one's common), or they can play it hard and start throwing ultimatums your way. Or send in the flying monkeys to do their dirty work of retrieving their errant possession (that's you). Or you'll get the "holiday guilt-trip" contact, or even the "I'm dying" contact through someone else (a flying monkey).

Rarely, mercifully, they'll just let you go. And this can hurt deeply; they didn't even care enough to want to keep you around. I really couldn't say which is the most damaging - being dismissed outright and forgotten in an instant, or being toyed with and manipulated again, and again, and again. Let's just leave it at this - they both suck supremely.

But in my limited experience as an ACoN blog reader, the more likely scenario is the one I've personally experienced - they ramp up their dysfunctional natures, their malicious schemes, and they go in for the kill.

"You think you can decide when you'll see me or talk to me? You think you have that power? You lowly little worm! I brought you into this world - I will take you out of it."

Or put simply,

"This means war."

To continue with the fishing analogy, escape will be about as harrowing as the escape of a hooked marlin - you have to fight back, thrash, sprint away hard enough to rip a barbed hook right out of your flesh (it's going to sting).

You are in for the fight of your life, for your life. Because not only is going "low contact" strangely addictive, it will incite them to get worse - you're going to have to put up and enforce more 'boundaries'. Then more. And more again. I'll switch to a war analogy for this part: the breaches will be brazen, your boundaries will be trampled. Their invasion campaign will be an unceasing onslaught against your weakened, weary defenses. It'll be everything you can do to keep yourself apart.

And before you know it, you're one Christmas dinner away from "no contact". You'll be tired, embittered, and emotionally exhausted. You'll have used up all your resources - as a last ditch effort, you'll have to cut them out forever, just to save yourself. Or, they'll sense the end is nigh, and to save face they'll cut you out, forever (which will hurt, but likely only for a time).

I can't speak much beyond this point. I'm "low contact", and approaching "extremely limited". I've skipped every family member's birthday this year. And all the holidays (all of 'em). No card, sometimes a delayed or early 'happy birthday' text or message. I'm walking a fraying tight-rope with them. I'm never sure how much farther I'll get before it snaps on me.

But I never thought I'd make it this far. A year ago, I read those "no contact" blogs and couldn't relate. I went "low", got a taste for freedom, received the weirder and worse pathology from my FOO as a consequence, and now I'm waiting, waiting for their next move in this war. If they do nothing, I can stay "low contact". If they even try to repent, at all, I'm willing to scale back my "low contact", but only in time and when I feel safe.

But if they pull something new on me, some new trick - it's going to be "no contact". Maybe not forever - maybe for just one calendar year at first. I know they won't abide by that, though. I more or less asked for a year off this time around, and I still get emails and texts: "It has been too long between meetings. I'm coming over tonight." Sigh - again? We've been over this.....!


FOO Fighting is an exhausting enterprise. This is why so many people 'retire' from it altogether and go "no contact" once and for all.

And then they start a blog, hoping to save all of us ACoNs from having to waste the years that they spent trying to maintain contact with their horrible FOO's.

A big thank you for every ACoN who tried to save me and others from following down the same rocky road. I think I had to discover the answer for myself, but it's good to know that other ACoNs have blazed the trail ahead and made it through the other side. You give us all hope.

*****

Incidentally, "FOO Fighters" refers to the nickname of allied pilots in WWII (FOOs being UFOs that weren't 'unidentified'?).

I really should have listed "Best of You" on the Narcissistic Anthems and ACoN Songs post! Here are lyrics:

BEST OF YOU - FOO Fighters

I've got another confession to make,
I'm your fool.
Everyone's got their chains to break,
holding you.
Were you born to resist,
or be abused?
Is someone getting the best of you?
Or are you gone and onto someone new?

I needed somewhere to hang my head
without your noose.
You gave me something that I didn't have,
but had no use.
I was too weak to give in,
too strong to lose.
My heart is under arrest again,
but I'll break loose.
My head is giving me life or death,
but I can't choose.
I swear I'll never give in,
I refuse. 

Is someone getting the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
It's real, the pain you feel,
Your trust?
You must confess;
Is someone getting the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?
It's real, the pain you feel, 
The life, the love you'd die to heal
The hope that starts the broken heart
Your trust? You must confess;

Is someone getting the best of you?
I've got another confession, my friend;
I'm no fool.
I'm getting tired of starting again,
somewhere new.
Were you born to resist,
or be abused?
I swear I'll never give in,
I refuse.