by Quercus
It's taken me awhile to write this post. I've got this enormous draft saved that encompassed everything about my recent 'epiphany', but it got so unwieldy, so rambling that even me, the author, lost the thread!
So rather than subject anyone else to that confusing jumble of sentences, I'm going to attempt to write again from scratch today. But before I began to write, I read up on a few blogs I follow (to both get me in the right frame of mind, but also to inspire proper sentence and paragraph structure... which I'm sure I'll simply ignore, but at least the spirit was there!).
Therapist Michelle Piper of
Narcissistic Mother wrote this in her recent blog post, "When a Narcissistic Mother Wants a Copy of Herself":
Infantilization: Never being allowed to explore her own autonomy, her
child is kept vulnerable, naive, and scared of the world and being on
his or her own. A narcissistic mother
will brainwash her child into thinking the world is a cruel place in
which one would never be able to survive on one’s own. This leads a
child to never feel safe and fear leaving the support of the narcissistic mother, even though they may be miserable.
I first familiarized myself with the ACoN lingo and glossaries way back at the beginning of my 'journey', and I don't think I've really bothered to re-read much of the literature that laid the foundations of my understanding of malignant parental narcissism since then (Jonsi also just posted some of Sister Renee's great work, which I hadn't read in ages but which still grabbed at my attention the way bacon cheeseburger television commercials do... which is at once strongly and positively, in case that was unclear!).
I forgot that I had been "infantilized" by my NM, until I read Michelle's post. I'm sure I never totally forgot about the effects that it had on me, but I had definitely not corralled that set of emotions and thoughts back under the heading of "infantilization" since. "Parentification" stuck with me rather better, and probably because I (bitterly) remember acting as 'the parent' and notice that I'm still being called on to do the same now.
The line "
brainwash her child into thinking the world is a cruel place in which one would never be able to survive on one's own" is what captured my attention today, however, and I realised it would make a perfect segue into this 'epiphany' I had last week.
Last week, I became unstuck from the spider's web that kept me trapped in my NM's capriciousness and in servitude to her unholy needs. How I wish I could adequately explain the how, what, and why of this event. I can't explain it. I was saying to a friend that it was more of an 'emotion' than a 'thought', and all I really felt able to do was describe it in pictures.
I think 'infantilization' could be a helpful concept in explaining some of the experiences I went through. Keeping in mind that I was infantilized, as Michelle Piper has explained it, here's my 'epiphany':
I was having another rotten day. Many of my days since starting this 'journey to freedom' have felt rotten and unbearable, and this day wasn't any worse. I would call it a '75% rotten day' (I've had '100% rotten days' during the past few years!). I thought a friend had died of suicide (he didn't, thank the Lord!) and we couldn't reach him (no one could); my N-friend that I mentioned previously was still bothering me (the fallout of her regrettable choices and decisions still hadn't really resolved for me yet); NM had sent further flying monkeys to me through social media (and they'd upped the ante); I had upcoming social obligations that involved being in the same room as malignant 'ex-friend' (who I've mentioned in the past but not so much recently); and a major project at work hit a major bureaucratic snag.... When I list all of that, I have trouble remembering what the 'good 25%' was!
DH saw trouble on the horizon. Either through purely good and altruistic reasons, or because he was judiciously ascribing to the philosophy that "
Happy Wife = Happy Life", DH declared "movie and date night" on the spot. Miraculously, I still had enough energy left by dinner time to muster and drag myself out.
I was angry, though:
worried (AWOL friend who may have killed himself),
irate (project),
frustrated (N-friend),
anxious (ex-friend & social obligations) and
disheartened (flying monkey attack).
Maybe it was the perfect combination of 'negative' emotions, following that point of "
hitting rock bottom" the week before. I'm not sure. But I watched that movie in stubborn mental silence. For the first time in ages, I was able to 'turn off' my brain and stop analyzing and fretting and just lose myself into fiction.
In the background of my mind, things began to shift. The only way I've been able to describe it is via Tetris (yep, the block game!) as an analogy:
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| (You can play for free, without download at freetetris.org, by the way!) |
Something fell into place. Again, if I could say what it was, I would! I can't figure it out, because just as with the game, once that row is filled it immediately disappears. (
If you've never played Tetris, and I can't imagine anyone reading hasn't, swing by http://www.freetetris.org/ to play for free and experience the pure joy of row-completion first-hand!).
A limiting 'row', a 'layer' of something keeping me enmeshed with my NM vanished in my subconscious. When the movie ended and I was forced to reengage with reality, I noticed the change. Again, I'd pay serious money to find out exactly what that 'piece' was that cleared the 'row' (or heck, what the 'row' was, too!), but it all felt subliminal, inaccessible to me. It still does.
As I was processing this new sensation of 'freedom', I talked it over with DH and again tried to use analogy to illustrate what I felt had happened. It was frustrating, though, because even by the time my weekly therapy appointment had rolled around, I still couldn't adequately relay what had happened. My psychologist seemed to understand perfectly, but he didn't give me any useful phrasing. Maybe there isn't a proper term for it, or maybe he was just being reticent, but at least he was able to understand conceptually.
I had told my DH (and my shrink) that I had the sense of a 'vision' or something. I'm not a particularly romantic or metaphysical person (at least, I don't think I am!), so to say, "I saw in front of me a great star-field" would be a little poetic for my liking. But it was something like that - in trying to explain it to my husband, my brain generated a visual analogy for me. It was a very interesting feeling.
I 'saw' my 'soul' in my mind's eye. It was a bright light, like a star or planet in the sky, and it had colour as it twinkled (first green, then orange). It was separate from me, older than me, but also intrinsically part of me. It was immutable (unchangeable) and it didn't really belong to me..... the best analogy of the relationship between me and my 'soul' is that the soul was the coding and me, the person, was the program. I couldn't operate/exist without it - it was the 'source code', in a way.
So the combination of soul + flesh = what we perceive as consciousness and the 'person' of Quercus. That's the impression I got. The soul had 'personality' in itself, and when combined with flesh and blood and existence in the physical world with all it's 'nature and nurture', it resulted in me, a person.
I didn't just see one soul. I saw a near infinite number of souls, all like stars in space (I have to borrow
the image of distant stars and galaxies from the Fornax cluster for this analogy! It's so pretty, and it's so much like what I 'saw' in my mind's eye):
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| Gorgeous, isn't it? The Fornax cluster contains many galaxies. image source: http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/images-of-space/2012/08/10/5f055d8a-3d48-11e1-84a4-02de40db9b91_gallery.html#photo=27 |
All of the souls, in my 'vision', were of equal size and importance, but they were in no way uniform. All had different qualities to them (colour, namely! Rate of twinkle, relative speed, etc.). And all those little 'soul-stars' were from the same divine source. Each had a unique trajectory and purpose, not one more important than the other, but all were of infinite value. And all of these 'souls' had 'lives' to live on Earth. (This is where it gets really theological really quickly, and I don't much get it, either. The nub of the issue is - we're all equal, we're all different, and we all have different earthly assignments, timing and purposes to facilitate a grand scheme of goodness).
This is where the epiphany is best revealed - I am a unique creation of God (or 'the Universe' for the atheists out there!). We all are, frankly, whether you believe we're all randomly-formed stardust (hey, our atoms had to come from somewhere! Law of Conservation of Mass!), unique creations knitted together by God in the womb, or a combination of the two (they're hardly mutually exclusive, are they?). Either way, we're getting into truths that the grey matter of human minds can't encapsulate, so let's just gloss over that for now and stick to the purposes of this post!
The points I'm trying to get to are these:
I'm not my mother.
My mother is not my creator, any more than I am hers.
My mother is her own 'point of light' that has its own trajectory, its own mission, its own timing and has experienced its own life here on earth. NONE OF THIS translates to my 'point of light' - I too have my own trajectory, my own timing and have had my own experiences.
There is as much overlap and commonality between me and mother as there is between me and the fictional protagonist of the movie I was watching. Genetics are one thing, but in my 'vision' here, I realised that it just seems to be a 'local law' or 'convention' that offspring are genetically similar to their parents (it makes great sense on a biological level, but there's a much bigger picture here!). My essence, my soul, my entire personality is its own thing - my NM didn't give me life! Her and my EF 'bumped uglies', then fed and clothed me and were continually disappointed with the return on their 'investment' of time and money for the next thirty-something years! Something much more profound, cosmic even, 'created' me or 'gave me life'! For my parents, sperm met egg and then I induced all sorts of unwelcome physical changes and complaints for poor old NM who apparently expected to glow like the moon and feel like a goddess throughout those 'sacred' 9 months and then for the rest of her life as she ascended to the lofty throne of Motherhood... good grief.
I also realised another thing - that I
cannot (and I mean
cannot in the sense that you can't alter the flow of time or unscramble an egg or un-burn a match - impossibilities!) travel along the path that my NM would have me travel.
I cannot live "her life", and I can't live my life according to her rules or confines!
There are a few reasons for this:
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| (See point #2!) image source: scienceblogs.com |
- In my vision, all the little 'soul-stars' were equal in magnitude, and we all worked together, collectively, for a greater good. We served not each other, but 'God' (or however you'd like to personally envision this). It would be WRONG, PERVERSE even, to start serving another soul of equal magnitude when the whole POINT of this 'endeavour' we call 'life' or 'existence' is to serve a far, far greater purpose - something infinitely larger and more important than ourselves!
- Just as a ball can't change it's own trajectory mid-flight, I'm hurtling in the direction I'm meant to travel with quite a lot of momentum. I can spend all my energy struggling against the course of my life, but I'll never be able to change it. We're on fixed paths (yes, I realise this is getting into 'determinism' very swiftly! Sorry for that!). "Neither can a leopard change its spots", right? And "Who can, by worrying, add a day to their life"? (both are Scripture quotes). I just don't have that sort of power, even if the will is there.
- I was born into a set of circumstances with my soul already intact. I already had all the qualities that made me "me". Again, it's the "neither can a leopard change its spots" argument - the time, the location, the experiences COUPLED with the immutable divinity in us (that is unique to each of us) means my life CANNOT be like the life of my NM!
- Death is what happens when you try to change course. I don't know if that's both 'spiritual death' and 'physical death', but this is the exact phrasing my shrink keeps reverting back to. It's not my words, because I don't quite see the 'death' connection there, but he insists that to change your essence, to struggle against your trajectory, to serve another master (i.e. my NM rather than God), is to 'die'. He points out that I 'was dead' before beginning my 'journey to freedom'.
The other mental image I got was that of a cookie cutter - my soul, my essence is a particular unique shape. So is yours. So is my NM's. And no two are alike (like
snowflakes).
I cannot shoe-horn myself into her expectations, no matter what I do, no matter what threats she gives or essential love she withholds.
What NM's (NP's in general, I suppose) are asking us to do is the
IMPOSSIBLE. We cannot be naught but who we are! We are either going to be ourselves, or we'll die.... and waste a precious gift of life, and the opportunity to bring about a beautiful and mysterious 'grand scheme' (and we don't know what that is, yet! I guess it's a surprise!).
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| image source: bubbajames.wordpress.com |
I know many of the readers may not be Christian, or may not even be familiar with Christian thought. But I have to make this example using Christian themes because it resonates so strongly with me that it would seem dishonest not to....
Satan was, apparently, a former angel who got rather above himself (to say the least), and in his hubris and general nastiness, decided to try to usurp God through rebellion or a 'coup d'etat'. Now obviously this was ill-conceived, seeing as God is God, and so, as the story goes, Satan was chucked out of Heaven 'cause he was a dissenter and, in my humble opinion, the most malignant of ALL malignant narcissists!
He couldn't play nice. He couldn't serve anyone (even the Divine God - the definition of all "GOOD" and "LOVE"!). And he wanted all the control and power for himself. (
TELL ME this doesn't sound like a narc!).
Anyway, I tend not to give Satan's cause any real thought (I don't much like narcissists...!), but he insists on having people serve him and not having to serve God/do the right thing (for anyone, ever). And he's not exactly "good" in any sense (quite the opposite!), so he uses people rather badly, destroying their lives for his own gain (again, malignant narcissist, what?!).
Now whether or not you take this as gospel, or as mere fantasy/fiction, the story arc is what's important here - jerky, conceited, power-hungry evil dude takes on the Master of the Universe (the source of all love and goodness), loses, but still manages to find a way to 'use and abuse' people (and there's no shortage of theological thoughts on why this has been 'allowed'). If Satan can't own you, he'll ruin you. He'll pervert the course of your life, presumably to make himself feel better. He'll stop you from completing your divine and mysterious mission here on earth, 'cause he didn't get to finish his divine mission either, and it's just simply not fair to him.
I don't know if this all ties together in your mind as clearly as it coalesces in my own, but evil=Satan=malignant narcissists: they all want to bend you from your path, ruin your life, destroy any chances of you 'making it' (whatever that is - I don't know, but I know it's a good thing!), because they're a bunch of jerks!
Then there's what's supposed to happen - life. Life, love and goodness (from the same root-word as "God"). Fraternity. Love. Compassion. Kindness. Individuality. Beauty. Happiness. Everything good comes from being on your 'right path', where you're supposed to be! All the stories and movies about 'following your heart' suggest the same thing - we are each unique, divine creations of God ('the Universe' if you prefer), and we all have totally unique paths, lives, personalities, experiences!
If the Universe teaches us nothing else, it likes
variety. No two things are identical (not even identical twins! Even on the genetic level! Crazy, eh?), and the more we learn about space and matter and time, the less structured and less easily understood it becomes - there are few 'absolutes' in life, and the universe likes to showcase many exceptions to our much loved 'rules'.
To try to change someone to be more like you, or more like how you'd like them to be, or place them in servitude to you and not to the 'greater good', is EVIL. And it will lead to death (I see my shrink's point now!).
And that's how I became 'unmeshed' from NM. I saw a bigger truth, or I "learned it on a deeper level" (says the psychologist). I can't, no matter how I try, ever appease my NM! She is literally asking the impossible of me! I don't mean improbable or impractical, either - I mean truly and utterly impossible!
The only end-point along NM's evil path of servitude is death (probably by suicide, possibly by failed health and exhaustion). Whereas by living my life, following my 'heart', there's any number of potential outcomes, all of which are, by definition, better!
Infantilization: Never being allowed to explore her own autonomy, her
child is kept vulnerable, naive, and scared of the world and being on
his or her own. A narcissistic mother
will brainwash her child into thinking the world is a cruel place in
which one would never be able to survive on one’s own. This leads a
child to never feel safe and fear leaving the support of the narcissistic mother, even though they may be miserable.
Turns out the only really scary place is the 'pit', or "Hell" in Christian terminology. Hell is death - it's also called "
abaddon", meaning "total and utter destruction".
Soul-annihilation is the term I gravitate towards.
Hell is a place on earth - it's under your NP's thumb, stuck in their web. The world IS a terrifying and deadly place when you're living in 'Hell'. 'Hell' has also been referred to as "separation from God" - if you read that to mean, "separation from all that is good", which is what that really means, well 'hell yeah'! You're living in 'Hell' by definition then, aren't you?!
But become 'unmeshed', and suddenly the crippling fear vanishes. A world of possibilities opens up.
That's my epiphany - I'd rather live free as a 'free-agent' without the 'support' (HA!) of my NFOO than persist indefinitely in what is best described as "Hell on Earth" - a perpetual state of death while still alive!
It was all backwards. As my psychologist said, I was effectively DEAD before.
Taking the risk of leaving the 'safety' of my NFOO has liberated me to live the life I was supposed to live! And who knows what that may be! It probably won't be grand and famous and all of that! It'll probably be a fairly common life, perhaps even boring by the current culture's esthetic. But it will be a FREE LIFE, one I'm meant to live.
Oh dear. This still turned out to be a long-winded, beleaguered post. I guess that's just who I am - a discombobulated wind-bag! But a
FREE discombobulated wind-bag! Free to follow the life I was graciously given to lead. And I now intend to live it well and stop wasting it in desperate and pointless servitude to someone who seemingly has more in common with a pointy-horned, cloven-hoofed individual than myself. Yeah, I said it.
Some parting words of Scripture, good for everyone to know (not just Christians):
Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. (1 Peter 5:8)
And no wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light. So it is no surprise if his servants, also, disguise themselves as
servants of righteousness. Their end will correspond to their deeds.
(2 Corinthians 11:14-15)
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. (John 10:10)
But he turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a
hindrance to me. For you are not setting your mind on the things of God,
but on the things of man.” (Matthew 16:23)
The Lord said to Satan, “From where have you come?” Satan answered the Lord and said, “From going to and fro on the earth, and from walking up and down on it.” (Job 1:7)
They have as king over them the angel of the bottomless pit. His name in
Hebrew is Abaddon, and in Greek he is called Apollyon. (Revelation 9:11)
Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.
(Ephesians 6:11)
So that we would not be outwitted by Satan; for we are not ignorant of his designs. (2 Corinthians 2:11)
No, we're not ignorant of his designs. There's a pattern here, and one we ACoNs can now spot a mile away. Pride, power, control - control over people. Never freedom.
