A Gift from a friend - "JADE"

by Quercus, via Kara, via Dee, from whomever first coined the term

JADE is an acronym for four things one must never engage in during a conversation (most likely an argument) with a narcissistically-disordered person.

 is for "Justify". Justifying our actions, our boundaries, our decisions will not bring us any good. All the information given to the Narcissist during our kind and generous attempts to justify our standpoints will be catalogued in their minds for future use. Factoids none of us would think important will be spin-doctored into weapons to be used against us.
Perhaps worst of all, justification is really an appeal to them. We're appealing to them for their understanding, which, as we all know, they'll gleefully deny us! Justification makes us look weak, not thoughtful and open. Just weak. And weakness is something the Narcissist loves to exploit. "Because I said so" might seem like a rotten thing to say, but it's really your only option other than silence. Don't justify anything - your decisions are yours. You don't need to show your paper-trail. The decision is final.

is for "Argue". I'm not sure if Narcissists qualify automatically as the world's best debaters (in fact, I'm sure they'd almost all get chucked out of formal debates for over-stepping the bounds and going straight into personal attacks!), but I challenge you to think of a Malignant Narcissist who wasn't argumentative . . . and good at it.
As for the Narcissists in my family, I know I can't beat them at an argument. At least, even when I think I've really hammered a point home eloquently and brilliantly (and I'm waiting for the resounding applause from the imaginary courtroom of supporters to echo loudly in my ears!), I find that, somehow, my cunning bit of logic and air-tight reasoning has been circumvented. And typically it wasn't countered or disproved - it was mocked and ridiculed. You could be the world's greatest debater, you could even be a seasoned defense attorney and have rousing speeches flowing out of you like molasses in august, and you will 'lose' to the Narcissist. It's because 'they're never wrong', even when you can prove it. So don't argue.


is for "Defend". Just like "Argue" above, you can construct such an air-tight case and deliver it, real tears and all, expecting their human heart to melt and their hard-line to waver, even ever so slightly, in response to your logical, honest case and your emotional plea. While this would probably work out as expected in the society of normal human beings, the Narcissist isn't a normal human being. They are closer to a monster, a psychopath (indeed, some of them are legitimately sociopathic!), than your average Joe. There's no point in making your case, there's no point in standing up for yourself and defending your cause in their presence - they'll jump all over you like kids in an inflatable bouncy castle! Start back-peddling, begin to reach a 'compromise', or react to a feeling of guilt, and they'll pounce. Your defensiveness is their gain; once you start making concessions or you panic and get 'defensive', they'll go in for the kill. Don't get defensive - let them accuse you of what they will. There's a reason the Bible calls Satan "The Accuser". Let the Divine defend you - just don't try it yourself!


is for "Explain". Are you starting to see a pattern here? Anytime you try to appeal to a Narcissist, you will lose. Monsters don't care if you're hurting (in fact, they like it!). They don't want to hear your case, they won't agree with it no matter what you say, and the more information you give them, the more ammunition they have to throw back in your face. And I wouldn't even say that - not all of their attacks are face-to-face: we're talking proximity mines, IED's, flying monkeys that serve (in this analogy) as 'suicide bombers'. All the ammo here will generally be harvested from your carefully-worded, thoughtful explanations. "I" statements, arguably the most useful conversation skill anyone could ever master, are completely lost on them. They don't care about anything, and your deliberate, thoughtful explanations to get them to understand and accept your position are only going to end up hurting you later in the form of figurative incendiary devices. They probably already know your position, so don't bother trying to explain it - they'll never, ever accept it, out of principle. Even if you're 100% right and they know it, they will not accept it. Save your breath and provide them no new ammunition in the war.


Dear ACoN friends - I started this blog thinking that I would help to centralize the resources for ACoNs searching for answers and understanding. I never thought my life and journey would end up being posted here for others to watch over (though I am infinitely grateful for the loving support and guidance I have received!).

I hope you will see from my (Quercus's) posts that I have not implemented "JADE"! Hopefully you will see the consequences of my actions (the post "Instant Denial" and the many wonderful and thoughtful comments on it illustrates well my missteps and the fall-out of those poor decisions).

I justify, I argue, I defend and I explain with my NParents. And I suffer for it!

With anyone else in any other situation "JADE" may not apply. But with Narcissists, it's a necessary tactic.

What options does enacting "JADE" leave you with? Not many. And that's no coincidence - Narcissists will exploit anyone and any circumstance. There is little interaction you can have with them that won't back-fire on you.

What you can do is:

• remain silent
• use strong body language (watch that they don't become violent, though - putting my chin up and crossing my arms always bought me a smack or two as a kid! Remember - never sit while they stand. Always be on their 'level' or a little higher, if possible. It 'gives you a leg up' psychologically and physically!)
• use the "BROKEN RECORD" technique if you can't just leave
• leave (walk away, shut the door, hang up the phone, ignore the email, close the text thread, etc.)

The Broken Record technique is simply 'repetition'. It's a SUPER annoying thing to do to someone (it will piss them off, no matter who you pull it on, so be wise about its use!). Say no, then continue to repeat, "I said no. That's enough of an answer." to whatever they say (this includes when they insult you, guilt you into an explanation, attack you to try to put you on the defensive, pretend that they want to 'understand' what's in your head, etc.). Repetition, just straight-up repetition of "No." You can't argue against "No" for very long!

It's not impossible for the Narcissist to work out the 'explanation' for your behaviour for themselves! It is very possible, actually, with just a little thought on their part. And chances are that you've been giving explanations and justifications for a lifetime already - they already have all the information necessary with which to construct a plausible motive for your current actions!

Why are they demanding an explanation from you, then? Control. That's all it is. They want to refute everything you say. They want to get you on the defensive.

They aren't asking you for information because there's a lack of it. (I forget this all the time!).

The best option, always, is to simply walk away, close the door, hang up the phone.

One word - "No."

"No." is a complete sentence. If you don't believe me, write it in Microsoft Word. There won't be a green squiggly grammar-warning line underneath it!

A very big thank you to Kara for teaching me about "JADE". Let's see if I can actually successfully implement this strategy!

As Anna Valerious's blog says, "No life is ever a complete failure; it can always serve as a bad example." She uses it in the context of a Narcissistic life, but I could as easily apply it to my own.

I hope everyone reading can learn from my mistakes and avoid them for themselves. I believe this is the hope of any ACoN with a blog. But we all have to make mistakes to learn. I just hope you can avoid some of the bigger ones - remember JADE!

Best of luck in your next 'confrontation', dear ACoN! Remember - we're all in this together!

QG