by Quercus
Therapist Michelle Piper of the blog Narcissistic Mother often gives much food for thought, and her recent post really touched a raw nerve for me, highlighting a moral dilemma I continually face inside my head.
I routinely worry that I'm being hypocritical. Before I launch right into the crux of that issue, let me set the scene a little.
One of the many things I was denied as a child was "fair treatment". Equity was not something that was afforded to me, and ironically, through the process of parentification, I was also simultaneously cast as the emotional provider. There was no justice, only unattainable expectations. In short, it sucked the big one.
As an adult, I feel the need to be very fair. I worry about being unfair to my parents, however abusive and poorly behaved they are. My psychologist questions me on this all the time - "Yes, but is it unfair of you to ______?!" (fill in the blank with the setting of a healthy boundary, or with feelings of intense anger and resentment). My answer is always yes, and I see that he is suggesting otherwise. I just can't always see it for myself. I am so concerned with being reasonable and 'fair'.
Michelle Piper's post hit a nerve because it suggests, correctly, that the 'silent treatment' by a narcissistic parent is tantamount to passive-aggressive abuse. So is my enforcement of "No Contact" similarly abusive in turn? Am I not, as Michelle illustrates, punishing my parents for their poor behaviour?
I examine my motivations for "No Contact" and hope, sincerely, that they are prudent defensive measures implemented to assist me and are not, so I hope, to punish my parents.
I hope I'm not punishing my parents. I can't be sure if I am or not. Am I, in part, trying to correct their behaviour? Am I then 'parenting', something my psychologist has repeatedly warned me against engaging in (as it keeps me trapped in the parentified child role)?
Am I attempting to change them?
No. I now know that it is, for all intents and purposes, impossible to change them. The spiteful part of me wants to prove to them, and perhaps even to vestigial parts of myself that harbour some doubt, that they cannot change.
I want to prove conclusively that they are incapable of being anything than what they are. I am a scientist - I like experiments. I consider this one a proof of concept; I already know with some certainty the likely outcome, but it's ridiculous to draw conclusions without testing a hypothesis.
Again, fairness is factoring in. I came, I hypothesized, I tested, I proved. Irrefutable*. Logical. Fair.
*(for the sake of any other scientifically-minded readers, I realise that there is nothing here that is 'irrefutable'. This study has several major limitations, not limited to gross observer bias, and though my work and methods have been practically peer-reviewed a priori, the study design itself is seriously flawed and arbitrary. However, as both the researcher and the subject, I feel satisfied that valuable, potentially life-saving information can still be gleaned by this endeavour, and as the sole granting agency, I am confident that this research comprises an appropriate use of resources. I declare that my involvement in this study constitutes several major conflicts of interest, but since I'm also publishing my own work, I don't really care...! BAZINGA!).
My parents have of course already accused me of 'punishing them' by "cutting (them) out of (my) life". And I struggle with this, morally. Is it fair to treat them the way they treated me?
Some people say yes. I say no. No, emphatically and rigidly. If I do as they do, I can hardly claim that I've been wronged. If you engage in the same behaviour, you are no better than they are. Regardless of your motivations, you are functionally a malignant narcissist. And if you're anything like me, you'd sincerely rather die than become what you detest. I can't justify being an abuser. Even to those that hurt me.
One of the other factors I consider here is that, in order for my "No Contact" boundary setting to be 'abusive', I have to assume that my parents and I represent two equal but opposite parties, or maybe even that I have some sort of advantage over them. As a child, my parents giving me the silent treatment was abusive, because of the innate imbalance of power in the parent-child relationship.
Does that still apply now, as an adult? Am I still at a disadvantage? I could make an argument that yes, I am. And therefore, my "No Contact" does not constitute abusive behaviour.
But I could also argue that since my parents have cast me as the parentified emotional provider, that my 'cutting them out' can also be viewed as abusive.
Oh. I just got it. (Wow, you can WATCH personal growth happening on this blog! Ha ha ha!).
In order for my "No Contact" boundary setting to be considered 'abusive', one must accept that I am still the emotional provider or 'parent' of my parents. So long as I still accept that 'role', I am not free to make my own decisions without first thinking about how it will affect my, and I cannot believe I'm going to say this, my 'wards'.
Eureka! I have to resign my position first! Tear up the contract I don't ever remember signing!
Now I don't have to worry myself sick about being 'fair'! I'm a free agent - what I do should have no consequence to my family unless they choose to view it differently. (I'm not going to get into the 'blood is thicker than water' familial obligation argument today - I made progress, and I want to go and celebrate!).
Actually, I don't feel like celebrating - this kind of pisses me off. I've been a wonderful, fair, self-sacrificing parent to my parents all these years! And did I ever receive anything like that in a turn, when I truly needed it? When I was a helpless child?! No! I realise now that parenting isn't all that difficult, at least it's not so difficult that a well-meaning and sensitive child can't approximate the role, and I'm even more pissed that my parents didn't even make an attempt at it! I gave up my childhood to do their jobs for them!
I QUIT!
When I was "phasing in" boundaries and later no contact, I was still labouring under the delusion that my NPs were capable of change. I actually thought they might miss me and be willing to treat me with a tiny bit of respect if I returned to the fold. Some might call it blackmail because I was willing to resume my rescuer/personal assistant role in exchange a bit of respect. Even back before I finally took "the red pill" I never expected genuine, parental affection!
ReplyDeleteEach time I went no contact, I noticed my life becoming more serene, drama-free and satisfying. The only thing that had really changed was my NPs weren't in it!
I also noticed, that each time I went back for more, my NF dished out more and then some. NM always tearfully welcomed me back with open arms but she never stepped away from her role as a manipulating enabler.
Fast forward and the longer I was away from their toxic sludge the happier I became, while my self-respect soared. Notice I said self-REPECT because whenever I allowed myself to be used as their door mat, my self-RESPECT flew out the window!
If protecting myself makes me an abuser, so be it! I'm loving the narc-free life!
"...their toxic sludge the happier I became, while my self-respect soared."
DeleteThis is beautiful! It captured my attention totally - YES! This is the most excellent phrasing - that's EXACTLY how it feels for me, too, and the toxic sludge imagery is so apt!!!
No no - I don't think it makes you an abuser at all. I think I saw myself as an abuser, so long as I continue to see myself as the parentified child. If I QUIT that role, then there's no responsibility on my part for THEIR EMOTIONS, so what I do with my life, including asking for space for my own mental health's sake, cannot be considered abuse at all!
It was just so hard to wrap my head around! :-)
I love what you share, Mulderfan. Your honestly and detailed accounts help me to understand the 'process' so much more!
I TOO am loving a semi-narc-free life! I'll bet I'll love a completely narc-free life even more! It's just THAT much better than the alternative! ;-)
I think one other thing to look at is intent. I think the silent treatment is a passive-aggressive behavior meant to control someone else.. It's meant to try and get the other person to give into a demand. NC is not about getting the other person to give into your demands. It's not about trying to control the other person. NC is about you choosing a behavior for yourself, while the silent treatment is about trying to choose a behavior for someone else.
ReplyDeleteYes, you're right. And maybe my NM sees my NC as abuse/controlling her because of simple projection (like you said, her 'silent treatment' is intended to curtail my rebellion!).
DeleteI just can't handle being accused of abuse, you know? Now that I've realised that I'm NOT responsible for their emotions, it's much easier to feel at peace with having MY needs met for a change! And you're right, not interacting with someone isn't abusive - 'neglect' isn't something children get charged with but parents! ;-)
Yeah, it sucks when the sling arrows at you to keep you in your place. It's hard. But you'll get there. As you become more confident in your self and your reality you'll realize what they are doing for what it is: narc tactics to shame you into going back to the status quo.
DeleteAnd as far as I can see, all you did was ask for a little space for awhile. Not forever. They are over reacting. Trust in yourself. If you are acting from a place of trying to do what's good for you, while not actively trying to stop on the rights of others, you are not being abusive. Hang in there.
Thanks for the encouragement, Jessie! I'm glad to know that "this too shall pass". ;-)
DeleteThanks also for the validation that going "NC" for a time is not abusive, and that they've overreacted. Can't hear that enough! ;-)
I do wonder why they've overreacted so, and my first guess is, "ACK! I'm losing control!". And my second guess is, "Oh sh*t! What will people say?! How will this make me look, my daughter not talking to me?! She's not going to get to humiliate me like this!". I think for them it's #1 CONTROL, #2 APPEARANCES (and they are really one and the same anyway)!
QG, I must have exclaimed "Fuckin' A!" about four or five times while reading this post... if you'll pardon my German. Beginning with when you said, "There was no justice, only unattainable expectations."
ReplyDeleteThis is so timely on the day that I accepted that my NM hasn't actually forgiven my father without a price; she has merely replaced him as scapegoat. (Guess who the new one is.)
Hey Cassandra,
DeleteI'm sorry to hear about your promotion in the Narc-Play from understudy to full-time Scapegoat! This role has the added detriment of causing 'type-casting'... the Producer might never be able to see you as anything BUT the Scapegoat... you have my deepest sympathies!
The only way out is to quit the theatrical business! ;-)
I'm sorely tempted to make a "fill-in-the-blanks Resignation Letter" on this blog for people to fill in and hand (metaphorically) to their NParents.
Walking papers. We all need them!
(As a Canadian, I feel obligated to correct your 'German' - it's F**KIN' EH!). Us Canucks say it all the time, eh? ;-)
Thanks for commenting, eh? :-)
;-) QG
:D
DeleteHi QG, It's great you were able to resolve this issue in a way that feels comfortable to you. Logical inconsistencies can feel pretty bad, even when your emotions (or your gut) are telling you to do something else.
ReplyDeleteIt's not exactly the same, but I'm reminded of a time when my mother (seemingly on the verge of tears) accused me of "punishing" her for taking my young child with me on outings rather than letting her babysit him. The truth was, it was not done to punish, but to protect him since other children in her care have received injuries in the past and besides, I know very well what she's like, how unstable she can be. Of course, I couldn't tell her that, only say that it was not meant to be any kind of punishment. It left me feeling like the bad guy for hurting my mother though. At the same time, had I left the baby with her it would have been frightening, risking his safety and would frankly have been irresponsible as a parent. Both options felt intensely uncomfortable, but I had to choose in favor of my child's safety, however hurt my mother felt about it.
It's easier to make these kinds of decisions when there is another person we're trying to protect. When it's ourselves, it's harder to get past the guilt and look after our own best interests.
Hi Elena,
DeleteThanks so much for sharing that - you know, I can almost already appreciate that it's easier to protect someone else than it is to protect yourself. It's why I haven't had children yet. They don't even exist, but I feel strongly that I must protect them by not spewing them out within 10 000 km of my NM. She's demanding that they be brought into existence, and that's reason alone to completely avoid pregnancy! She had her chance to raise children, and she did VERY poorly! I'm not going to hand over another innocent for her to criticize and control!!!
I think what you did was the right decision. Kudos for choosing the right path under all that guilt and pressure!!! Oh yuck, I can just imagine how that would feel!
What upsets me so much, even today, is parents demanding grandchildren. So many commercials and sitcoms joke about it, and it ALWAYS makes me feel sick to my stomach. They've no right to someone else's kids. They had their day. The gonads have retired. Take up a hobby and stop trying to live vicariously through other people - it's parasitic at worse, cloying at best! Where's this 'grace' that comes with age?! I've met graceful, kind older people, but they seem to be such a minority. Such a shame - these are the elders who actually benefit the coming generations, not the me-me-me's!
I'm also grateful you understand the emotional component of the 'logical inconsistency'. It's upsetting when something doesn't add up! You keep going back, checking the work, knowing there's a calculation error somewhere, but not being able to see where. Unbalanced equations cause me duress! :-)
This is how our NP turn us around. They convince us that we're not allowed to do what they've been doing all along--putting themselves first.
ReplyDeleteYeah, and it WORKED! It's only just now, with a year of therapy and blogging and research, that I'm finally starting to question the 'unquestionable tenets' of FOO!
DeleteThis is a really interesting post Quercus, I hadn't thought of NC from that angle at all.
ReplyDeleteWell DON'T!! :-) It's the wrong way to view it, for sure! ;-) I couldn't shake it, though. I'm just starting to. I posted this late afternoon yesterday, and by bedtime I was seriously depressed again. I guess in the back of my mind (the unconscious bits), I was processing all of this.
DeleteI don't mind telling you that I felt sad, and I think it's as though I'm losing something. ("That's me in the corner. That's me in the spotlight, Losing my Religion!" - REM).
It's almost as if an entire (erroneous) belief system is crashing down, and it's leaving me empty, without a role.
As awful as being 'the Scapegoat' was, I got to 'help' and be a positive force (when I wasn't accused of being the opposite). I knew, I KNOW, that I take care of my parents in so many ways that they will struggle without me. But as me and my DH concluded, they were adults before they conceived me, and they have the resources somewhere, however dusty and disused they might be after thirty-something years of putting their feet up!
Still, it's interesting that depression should follow an otherwise liberating realisation. I guess the unconscious mind doesn't enjoy major renovations. ;-)
Yep, the unconscious mind definitively doesn't like change. It's going to take time. :)
DeleteQG, Go easy on yourself. I remember that elated feeling at the beginning. And then the crash as I had to come to terms with the new reality and mourn the losses I felt. You'll move past this too. And struggling to redefine you life can be hard, but you're doing good work. Be patient with yourself.
Delete