Stalking: a Favourite NPD Tactic

by Quercus

Elena recently posted "O Narc, Why Must You Stalk Me?" on ReSelfing. It's about a time when her mother was caught 'catching her' at a moment of solitude and relaxation (something, apparently, that was a no-no to the monstrous mother). I thoroughly enjoyed reading her description of the event - check it out!

My NM has since started stalking me too. I didn't really think too hard about this until I read Elena's post. As soon as I went 'Low Contact' (i.e. set limits and boundaries on NM and EF), they got a little twitchy. Actually, I'd say it started before that - perhaps they have very highly tuned 'radar' for sensing when you're mentally pulling back!

Oh no, wait - I just this instant realised what it was. If you've read my blog before, you'll know that I began therapy with a psychologist over a year ago now (best.decision.ever!). Well enabling father was made aware of this, because I used it as justification (oooh - bad idea) for not seeing NM. That's a mistake. Don't try to justify your behaviour; you don't have to answer to them anymore. You're not six. And even if you were, you probably still shouldn't have to justify taking care of yourself anyway.

That's when the stalking started! She must've realised that my seeing a psychologist spelled trouble for her!

Crap, I can't believe I didn't notice that sooner! It's proof to me that

NARCISSISTS KNOW THAT THEY ARE DOING WRONG.

She knew I was getting help and she panicked! Why panic if I'm truly the one with the mental health issues? It's always been the way - I've apparently had 'mental health issues' as long as I can remember, though no doctor or psychologist, teacher, coach, friend, boss, anyone has ever agreed with their assessment (ill-advised narcissistic ex-boyfriend aside, of course!).

You would think that me being in therapy with a psychologist who could conceivably 'commit' me to a mental institution would be a dream come true for NM! Think of the control!

"Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you doctor - my daughter's off her rocker again, accusing *me* of the most terrible things...! She's very clearly ill, the poor dear. Could you please top up her medication right away? She needs to be silenced, uh, sedated, of course. You almost pity them, don't you? Completely confused about everything, turning on her own loving mother! It's not easy for me at all, but such are the burdens I must carry."

Shiver. Strapped to a bed, getting pumped full of cognitive inhibitors, with the monster leering over you, playing the victim of your 'mental illness'. (Anyone want to co-write a thriller screenplay with me? Move over Silence of the Lambs!).

Maybe this is why N's won't do therapy. They know they'll be 'found out'! It's probably not easy to conceal your true intentions with someone who's trained to figure out what you're thinking! And maybe they're wise enough to know that the psychologist will 'find them out' just by talking to the ACoN!

I actively sought help because I was at the end of my tether and dealing with suicidal ideation on a daily basis. I knew things could only get better. At first, I was actually hoping that they could and would 'commit' me to a hospital and give me the isolation from my insane family I so felt I needed. Turns out that's not what I need - I can go 'No Contact' instead and live a free and full life anywhere in the world.

NM started to stalk me when she found out I was in therapy, which has continued on into the current state of 'low/no contact'. A few months back I was outside on the back porch for less than 10 minutes, eating a quick bite and getting some air before rushing out to meet visitors from out of town. In a 7 minute or so window, a car came skidding to a halt, parked squarely below the deck. It was my NM. (How I dealt with this is a subject for another post).

It didn't occur to me that she was waiting down the road with binoculars, or that she did frequent drive-bys to see in our windows and find out which moments we're at home (which is rarely these days). I just choked on my cold pizza slice and muttered, "Fuuuuuuuu-k" under my breath. "Of course now, right before I have to meet so-and-so on time at such-a-place."

I figured it was just hysterically poor timing. So did my husband.

But then patterns started to emerge. I typically have therapy on the same day each week. Once, just after a session, I was walking out of the building and on the same downtown city block was my NM. A block that is primarily residential - it wasn't as if she happened to be at the mall next door or anything.

Naturally I figured I was cracking up. A surge of panic flowed through me: "ACK! It's her!" but also "<Expletives> - I've finally lost it! I should just turn around and head back to the psychologist!!!" I was actually hoping I was going mad over the alternative! Why is she here? This is my refuge, my safe place! Oh my goodness, did she hear what I was saying about her?! Does she know where I go? Are her and my shrink staging some sort of intervention?! (Thankfully I have learned to trust my psychologist enough to know that his professional training would never allow him to even consider something so underhanded!).

I decided to 'jog' away quickly from the spectre of my mother, my face concealed. But I had to know. Stupidly, I glanced over my shoulder. It was her - she was squinting at me and everything. I sprinted so fast, I nearly got into an accident with a car. I was rattled for days after that 'chance' encounter.

I'm actually not one for paranoia. It takes too much energy to be hyper-vigilant! But as I said, I've started to see that there's a good possibility that my NM, much like other narcissists, has engaged in 'stalking' behaviour (I also have an ex-friend who I may or may not bring up here again, but she's completely nuts and has some narc-traits - she literally would lay in wait for me, and once even tried to corner me in a bathroom stall to force me to talk with her after going 'No Contact'! I put up some very strict boundaries with her and to date only have to deal with a few flying monkeys of the mutual friend variety).

I tend to have therapy sessions on a weekly basis, which more or less means the same convenient time and date each week (although I may see about changing that now). The 'pattern' that I very recently noticed was that EDad would contact me the very same day as my appointments. This has been the case for months now - the text, email or phone call comes through the afternoon of my appointment. Digital records confirm this. I told my EDad I was seeing a psychologist every week - did they find out what day it was? Did I accidentally reveal the day during that call? For people who generally don't hear a word I say, they have been known to remember certain advantageous nuggets of info.

There's also an alternative explanation - coincidence. There's a 1/7 chance that for some reason they do all their scheming on the same weekday. They're certainly creatures of habit - they've treated me consistently like sh*t for years, rain or shine!

Who knows if they've figured out when I see my shrink. They're certainly not respecting my request for privacy (low contact). My parents have made it clear that they may see me whenever they choose, at the drop of a hat. My privacy, my life holds no barrier to their wishes. (Oh how I loathe them for this!).

NM would, in the past two years or so, show up at my workplace without any warning. "Hel-loooo! I'm just waiting outside your door!" I stayed in my office and skipped lunch the last time she tried that crap, texting her back with my cell phone to tell her that I was off-site that day and working elsewhere. I also sent out coworker spies to make sure the coast was clear! Time and time again, before I even started to consider cutting her off, I would demand that she give me at least some warning! Even in the days where I wouldn't have minded seeing her for lunch, she NEVER, EVER gave me more than a few seconds of warning. I remember saying, "Mom! You knew you'd be next door to my work a week ago! Why didn't you call me even as late as yesterday to let me know so I could pencil you in?!"

It never, ever worked! It's the same with my EDad, too; he'll give me a few to 24 hours notice now, but it's still not enough time. I told him I needed at least a week's notice to meet up with him. I told him my husband's parents could always manage to give us several weeks warning! I put up some hard limits with him last year and said, "If I don't get more than 7 days advanced warning, I will not see you on principle!"

Has it worked? Nope. Well, with the lone exceptions of Christmas-Easter-Thanksgiving, but that's only because the family Golden Child gets the benefit of 3 weeks' notice, not because EDad's decided to comply with my wishes.

NM loves the "pop-in". She's pulled it at really, really inappropriate times, too. I'd tell you about one such incident, but I'd have to fabricate most of it to keep it from being identifying. Let's just say that when a life is at stake, it's the perfect moment to wedge your foot in the door of your ACoN's home and invade while she's reeling at the news of a terrible accident and looming tragedy. My instinct? Do anything, everything I can to help the nightmarish situation and my affected loved ones. Her instinct? "Aha! I'll call her from her back door with the shocking and terrible news and tell her to let me in to hear the rest!"

I remember wanting to scream at her as I made frantic phone calls, sent emails and simultaneously contacted the authorities that somehow no one thought to have done 7 hours into the crisis. She sat there and talked endlessly about the tragedy and how my impending wedding "must go on" regardless of the outcome (and waxed poetic about how tragic it would be to have a wedding under such circumstances!).

The friend I said I may or may not mention again? Exact same thing. Exactly. Different person, different emergency scenario, but again a terrible accident and a chance the party in question may not survive. She showed up to our place in the middle of the night looking for help. That's not so weird - the weird part is that she didn't bother to awaken the building manager in the building that the emergency was potentially happening in. In fact, there were a ton of people she should've awoken before me . . . but I was the one that had limited contact! Naturally, she'd wake me up first, then think about the best interests of the victim whose life was hanging in the balance on a minute by minute basis!

It was my wonderful psychologist who pointed out the similarities in these two potential tragedies. It is God to Whom I am so thankful to for not allowing either dire and quite frankly terrifying situation to end in the death of two people I care for so very much (one a family member, one a close friend).

Apart from the two hyperlinked "stalking" articles above, I haven't found much online on stalking and NPD that hasn't been written by a certain self-proclaimed, self-promoting Narcissist who is an expert on himself.

(Here's a Wikipedia article on stalking, mentioning NPD).

But blog's like Elena mention this aberrant behaviour frequently. Here are some sites and blog posts (not mine) addressing the issue:

http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2012/04/17/psychopaths-and-stalking/
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/adult-children-of-narcissistic-parents/discussions/messages/13652069
http://upsi-upsi.blogspot.ca/2012/04/becausei-love-you.html
http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.ca/2012/06/suicide-threats-and-narcissist.html (see Tundra Woman's comment on this)
http://iap11.wordpress.com/2012/06/22/my-narcissistic-mother-is-stalking-me/
http://bb.bbboy.net/healnpd-viewthread?forum=21&thread=5&postnum=0

Anyone have any stalking stories to share? Apart from having packages left on my back porch (no doubt intended to guilt), cyber-stalking via flying monkeys (and probably directly by them as well), and the 'surprise visits' to work and unexpected 'pop-ins' at home, I don't have anything especially juicy. I have fantastically creepy nightmares, but so far everything NM and EF have done in the real world has been fairly innocuous (and wouldn't appear criminal or suspicious unless you knew the back story).