3 - 2 - 1.... (No) Contact! We have lift-off!

By Quercus


Are you sitting on the launch-pad, awaiting a start-sequence to initiate your escape? I know I am. I'm just about ready to blast-off, away from the toxic FOO once and for all. But before I hit the 'launch' button, I have to make sure all systems are primed and ready to go... for my own sake.

Let's compare the process of the lengthy countdown that NASA astronauts and Mission Control undertake before finally blasting off into outer space with what it takes for an ACoN to finally blast-free of their NParents. (For a fantastically topical ACoN song to accompany this post, check out "Rocket" by the Smashing Pumpkins).

Designing, researching, building, training and getting funding for a space mission all aside, sending a space shuttle safely into orbit is a complicated process. As a science dork, I can tell you that the 'launch time' for any given space shuttle launch was never a time-and-date set in stone. Of all the pre-flight checks that could halt the countdown sequence, it seemed to me to be the weather that most often delayed lift-off.

The actual "countdown" begins at T-43 hours (that's nearly 2 days before the intended lift-off). However, there are set "holds" in the countdown process at T-27 hours (4 hour hold), T-19 hours (4 hour hold), T-11 hours (a 13 to 14 hour hold!), T-6 hours (2 hour hold), T-3 hours (2.5 hour hold - shuttle crew climb aboard at this time), T-20 minutes (10 minute hold), and finally at T-9 minutes there is a final built-in hold of variable time. Once this is complete, the final countdown proceeds to lift-off at T-0!

Assuming there aren't any unexpected problems or additional holds, a "43 hour launch sequence" will take very nearly 70 hours (plus or minus half an hour). That's almost 3 days for a less-than-2 day 'countdown'! And this is assuming, of course, that the launch sequence isn't further delayed due to inclement weather.

Can you imagine what it must feel like, at T-3 hours, to be decanted into your space vehicle, strapped in, trying to stay calm, doing your own pre-launch checks, and knowing that what you're about to do is incredibly dangerous, very brave, and just about as epic an undertaking as anyone could possibly attempt?

You do, don't you?

Going 'No Contact' is also a lengthy, anxious process with built-in delays and checks and countdown timers. You've done all the set-up work necessary in your time trapped in the invisible prison of your FOO; all the training, programming, and engineering has been going on quietly in the back of your mind for decades.

And now you're suiting up, watching the fuelling and pre-launch checks, and staring out at your launchpad through your mind's eye.

Brave ACoN astronaut - it has become time to initiate the countdown sequence.

Take-off can be delayed indefinitely if your mission fails the go/no-go poll. Any missing component, any infirm piece of equipment, even the weather can suspend your mission. Nothing is certain until the ignition sequence is initiated, seconds before lift-off - this is the only point of 'no return'. And unlike outer space, you don't have to return to Cape Canaveral or Houston once you launch free. You don't even need to stay in orbit! You can stay away indefinitely if you like, and seek out a new life on a more hospitable land.

In the meanwhile, there are checks to be made. Sister Renee Pittelli of Luke 17:3 Ministries has a pre-flight checklist of sorts for deciding to initiate 'No Contact'  - 102 Questions to Ask Yourself when Considering Whether or Not to End a Family Relationship (begins on page 141 of "Narcissistic Predicaments: A Biblical Guide to Navigating the Schemes, Snares, and No-Win Situations Unique to Abusive Families", Outskirts Press). I love this book. I am a Christian, but I grew up in a secular home. I didn't find the religious content overbearing or difficult in this book - I would hazard a bet that even if you are not religious that you will enjoy and benefit from reading this book. It isn't preachy, it's rooted in love, and it really served me as a 'strategy guide' better than other books touted for strategic solutions to narcissists (for example, I bought Nina Brown's "Children of the Self-Absorbed" and found it a colossal waste of my time and money).

Sister Renee Pittelli's book and website (Luke 17:3 Ministries) is a must-read if you are having ethical dilemmas about leaving your FOO because of your Christian faith (this is no barrier!). Narcissists Suck by Anna Valerious, also a Christian, squarely tackles the "Honour Thy Father and Mother" argument in several posts, and comes up with solid Scriptural wisdom on why allowing your continued abuse by your family is not at all what our Lord commanded.

Regardless of your faith or ethical viewpoint, you don't need a checklist of questions to make sure you're ready for 'No Contact'! However, I really like to be methodical in situations that I feel uneasy in, so for me the pre-flight checks are comforting and reassuring. You may already be firm in your convictions (hooray!); I waffle.

Ten of Sister Renee's 102 Questions that really resonated with me (my emphases) were:

• Is this relationship affecting my health?
• If I were to be totally honest with myself, do I really believe that this person is going to change?
• Do I see myself going on like this for the rest of my life?
• Has this person ever apologized for anything?
• Does this person ever criticize my weight, appearance, personality or intelligence? Does she call me names?
• Does this person expect me to obey her even though now I am an adult?
• If this person has a problem with me, does she bring it up with respect and goodwill - and in private? Or does she bring it up in front of an audience so she can embarrass me?
• Is she willing to acknowledge that at least half of our difficulties are her fault, or does she refuse to accept any responsibility at all and just blame me for everything?
• Has she respected my limits, or completely ignored them?
• If I try to pull back a bit and limit my time with this person, does she respect my limits and try to modify her hurtful behaviour? Or does she escalate and become more demanding than ever, as if she was purposefully trying to drive me away?

I really appreciate this book. Sister Renee has a new one out as well, which I'm looking forward to reading.

Returning to the launch sequence, I feel that I've done all the necessary checks. I'm just waiting for a good ignition source! I'm fuelled up, in position; I'm ready to go - where will the spark come from that lights the rocket fuel?

I could always self-ignite, when there's a clear break in the weather. All the 'support personnel' in my life are on stand-by and won't be taken by surprise by lift-off! I could take off today (the weather's lovely).

But although my brain is "Mission Control", I still find myself waiting on my parents to give the vital spark that starts the grand explosion. Why is this? I can think of two possibilities:

1. I want to be able to blame them, in my mind, for causing me to go 'No Contact'. I want to be able to absolve myself of any guilt I will feel about this "one giant leap for ACoN-kind!"
2. I'm still psychologically tethered to them and am waiting for them to give me more. I may have given up on waiting for "love" (can't get blood from a stone, after all!), but perhaps I've yet to get past the open-hands-begging-for-more stance. In this case, I'm asking for just a little more abuse (I know it's in good supply!) to send me on my way. I'm still relying on them to dictate the course of my life. This is quite sad.

One of the greatest blog posts I've ever read was posted 1 September 2012 on Raising Caliban. The author, "Caliban's Sister", re-posted a comment by Tundra Woman on q1605's blog. The post on Raising Caliban is called "Approaching the Line, Toeing it, Preparing to Step Over it".

Not only is this a fantastically written post on 'No Contact' (warning: as Tundra Woman states, "I don't believe I would have made as direct a response as the one above on any other Blog but q's: I feel I can put it out there without offending/upsetting other ACoNS who may be in an entirely different place on their journey."), the comments on this post (especially the follow-up by Tundra Woman) are also absolutely brilliant; don't skip them!

I especially like how Tundra Woman is sensitive to the different 'stages' of the ACoN journey (I'm working at getting a seasoned ACoN Blogger to share her wisdom on this subject on The ACoN Society! Stay tuned!).

I don't know if you've already read my "FOO Fighters" post where talk about how when I was first new on "the ACoN scene", I was shocked, horrified and in admiration of the strong 'warriors' who went 'No Contact' on their FOOs. I never thought I'd be in their shoes. I've since moved onto a new 'phase', and that's one step closer to 'No Contact'. (Note that my psychologist, from the very beginning, has seemed to suggest that 'No Contact' would be my final destination on my journey. It frightened the living daylights out of me then; now, it gives me hope!).


And so, dear fellow ACoNs, it's as though we're all enrolled in the same "space program". We may be at different stages (still in engineering, in training, or suiting up and walking tall along the launchpad to the tower, waving to our loving supporters all the way!), but we're all enrolled into the same mission whether we chose it or not.

Close and lock the visors. Transfer orbiter from ground to internal power (self-sufficiency!). Ground launch sequencer is go for auto sequence start . . . . activate launch pad sound suppression system . . . activate main engine hydrogen burnoff . . . start main engines . . .

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Solid rocket booster ignition - we have lift-off of the Space Shuttle ACoN! Boldly going where this ACoN has never gone before! Godspeed, good ACoN! Don't look back.