Where I Feared to Tread - Sexuality and ACoNism

by Quercus

Here's a personal admission - I've always wondered/worried if I was gay. Let me explain, because this is quite complicated. It's complicated because I'm not a lesbian. It's a problem I have, just this morning, finally solved. A conundrum in my mind that never quite fit with the rest of me.

I have never been in love with a female. I have never felt sexual desire towards another woman as an individual. I have, always, been attracted to men. I have always chased after them in one way or another since grade two. When most of my friends were lusting after teen idols (and admittedly, I had moments of weakness here too - but never for NKOTB! I'm proud of this), I was drooling over Harrison Ford. Seems that at a young age I wasn't overly threatened by his very masculine looks and copious quantities of testosterone - I thought (and still think) that there is no one more desirable in the whole world than Indiana Jones. (Expect maybe my husband. I feel like I should say this, ha ha! Next to my husband, there is no one more desirable than Dr. Jones!).

So where do the 'chicks' factor in? I'm glad you asked. I've never been adequately able to explain this, until now - it all just clicked! Introspection is a great thing - when you're able, go where you fear to tread in your psyche, and you can resolve all sorts of bizarre idiosyncrasies that have always left you feeling confused and ill-at-ease with aspects of yourself!

Here's the conundrum - in terms of sexual arousal, it appears to be women and visions of women expressing their sexuality openly that 'turns me on'. And I could never figure out why this was. Apart from Indiana Jones, men didn't really arouse me, psychologically speaking. And here is another odd aspect - in 'real life', I did just fine in terms of my heterosexual sexuality. I identified as female, I was attracted to males - where's the problem? I think this is why it's taken me so long to figure this out; why, in the deepest recesses of my mind, am I strongly aroused by women? It didn't make sense.

I wrote before that my NM had once accused me of being gay later in life (either my teens or 20s, I can't remember). It hurt so much. It was as if she didn't know me at all - all my interest in the opposite sex, heartbreak over young men - I had shared this all with her, openly, in the hopes that she'd take interest in me, pay me some attention, help me to feel better. She never did, of course, but she must've known how important it was to me that the-guy-next-door would ask me to go to the dance with him. Unless she wasn't listening, at all, ever, all those years. This is certainly possible.

My NM did a number on me psychologically speaking, which seems to have spilled over into virtually ALL aspects of my psyche, including, amazingly, my sexuality. My NM did everything in her power to make me feel inadequate physically (my small breasts, which grew before the other girls' had, weren't a source of humiliation for me at all. But she quickly made me see them as inadequate, pathetic, and a major fault - men like big breasts, and A cups, even B cups, weren't going to cut it. I'd have to learn to attract them another way, since my body was unattractive). She commented on everything - the fact that I was hairy (though she refused to teach me to shave my legs, even after I was the last girl in school to do so), not skinny enough (this was a favourite - she stopped making food I liked because I was 'tubby'), had bad skin (big pores), big thighs - you name it, it was regrettable.

I didn't (and don't) have an 'hourglass' figure. The difference between me and say, Jessica Rabbit, is extraordinary. It's not for lack of trying, either - it is literally my bone structure and shape. If I had several ribs removed and shaved down my liver, maybe I could invent those desirable curves that I so obviously lack. Exercise (cardio and/or strength training) just makes my 'core' stronger and, sadly, thicker. I could always get breast augmentation, too, though I notice that my NM was quick to say how fake and awful that is (can you imagine how angry she'd be if her daughter had juicy jugs? I can! It's almost worth it just to see the look on her face! How's that for a poor reason to undergo surgery?! Spite!).

Jessica Rabbit is hot, and physically impossible, and an archetype of the sexually-desirable female. I'd be lying if I said the sight of her didn't cause a hormone rush in me. But again, WHY?!

I think I know.

Jessica Rabbit is forbidden. She's the enemy. She could not, in all likelihood, be hated and resented any more strongly by my NM. If my NM could rid the world of all other women, starting with the sexy and curvaceous, she would. NM hates competition.

The more sexuality I exuded, the worse I was treated. I had all femininity psychologically beaten out of me. You should have seen photos of me as a teenager - I did look as though I was disinterested in my own femininity, perhaps a very masculine lesbian coming to terms with 'the real her'.

What it actually was was a poor girl who was scared to death of expressing her femininity, lest she be humiliated for her inadequate curves and sex appeal, or be treated even worse by her pathological NM.

Last night I had a pseudo sex-dream about Madonna. I'm not even a Madonna fan, I don't get it. But then I realised that Madonna is really Western society's epitome of the sexually liberated, expressive female. "Express Yourself", "Human Nature" - it's hard to think up a better living archetype of female sexuality.

And this is how I ended up with my epiphany on why I'm 'attracted' and 'aroused' by these women - I want to BE them! I want to 'have' them, but not in the way you might at first think - I want to be 'one' with them. It was absolutely forbidden for me to identify with these women, to join their ranks, to be close to them. They are the enemy. And I'm not allowed to defect to their side.

Ironically, I won a vote on the "best legs in school", and I was never short a boyfriend. I am, relatively speaking, attractive to 'men' in general. And yet I have yawning insecurities, and I have trouble flirting (luckily for me, my husband thought me adorable for it, and I don't have to anymore!), and I still am not all that comfortable with my own femininity.

I wanted to share my little epiphany. I always wondered about why I found women so sexually attractive, but never wanted to 'be with' a female. I didn't like thinking about it - I thought I was some sort of freak. I love my husband, I've only ever 'fallen for' men, and I just couldn't rectify why I am aroused by the 'concept' of a sexually expressive and free woman.

The reason is, that 'woman in my mind', is me, metaphorically speaking. My dreams are telling me that I want to merge with that 'female', however she appears in my mind, because I need to connect with my own sexuality which has been suppressed, or repressed, or estranged from me - whatever the wording should be.

Jungian psychology speaks about the "animus", the masculine aspect of every woman's psyche, and the "anima", the feminine aspect of every man's psyche. My animus looks an awful lot like Indiana Jones. He's sexy, he's capable, he's highly educated, and has scruff and big muscles. Mmm. As a female, I shouldn't need to have an anima, but I think I do! She doesn't really have a set shape, but she's a total vixen with huge boobs and curves and legs as long as a month of Sundays! It's not real women that arouse me, which I've always known at some level, but my anima - the 'forbidden' feminine side of me not expressed.

If I was an asexual child forever, I think my NM might have hated me less. The moment I started my period, an ignored child became a massive threat, and the campaign to ruin my confidence, my sexuality, was launched. And sadly, it's worked.

The bad news for mumsie is that it never prevented me from attracting males (something she appears to have had troubles with - I wonder why! Narc-radar is functioning in most people after all!), or getting married to a wonderful, sexually attractive man (yes, she admits to lusting after my husband. How gross is that?!). And the even worse news is that, now that I've figured out what's happening in my brain, I have a happy feeling that my sex life is going to go from 'satisfactory' to 'awesome'.

No more worries with me. It's time to 'express myself'!

I wonder if anyone else had their sexuality suppressed by a controlling NM and have an 'anima' of their own, despite being a heterosexual female. If you do, don't feel you have to comment openly below - this is a very personal admission. But if you do relate, I sincerely hope this post has helped you accept what's going on and be more kind and gentle to yourself - there's nothing wrong or 'freakish' about you at all. You've just got some interesting constructs in your mind put there to prevent you from getting hurt further by an abusive parent who resented your femininity.