It's Not "a Con"!

Article by Quercus

I'm writing this very short post to preempt any lurking troll who wishes to claim that the assertions and beliefs of ACoNs are nothing but "a con".

I could leave it there, beating them to the comedic punch, but I wish to elaborate.

The sad fact is that we're telling it how it is, not how your narcissistic parent would have you believe.

How do you know we're being truthful? Easy - Do you want to believe that your parents never truly loved you? No. No one does. We sure didn't.

But actions speak louder than words. Something didn't add up - they said they loved you, but the abuse said otherwise. The painful and confusing memories that resurface and won't go away. The way they treated your one sibling in contrast to how they treated you. You were never good enough. You did wrong without ever understanding what you did. You were envied, you were bullied, you were blamed, you were hurt emotionally, physically, sexually. You were anything but loved.

Knowing you were never truly loved by the people who were supposed to love you unconditionally is probably one of the worst realizations anyone could ever come to. Most of us go through a period of denial before we accept, reluctantly, that it is the case. It hurts so deeply that some of us may pull back from this realization permanently.

We have a choice: either brave the pain and break the cycle, or retreat and repeat it instead.

Realizing your parent(s) didn't love you is soul-crushing. It means that you have a void in your life that may be there forever; it's very difficult (maybe impossible) to completely fill it in after the fact.

Realizing your parent(s) didn't love you does not mean is the following:

• You can't in turn love your parent (though it may be difficult; we sympathize).
• You are incapable of being a 'normal' person (no one's normal - don't worry about that!)
• You can't continue to have a relationship with your parents (though you may decide that in your circumstance it's easier to cut ties. Many ACoNs choose this; if the pain of losing your family is less than the pain of their continuing abuse, this might end up being your preferred choice. Conversely, others (including myself) prefer to keep a superficial relationship with their parent and enforce necessary boundaries. Know that not all narcissistic parents will accept your enforcement of boundaries; they may simply disown you themselves).
• You can't respect your parents (though you may have to 'show them respect' without them ever earning it; if your parents couldn't unconditionally love their own children, they may not have a lot about them that is worthy of your esteem).
• You're crazy (You're not. You probably feel crazy, and that's, sadly, quite normal. You'll get through that phase in time. It takes varying amounts of time for you to grieve the 'loss' of the parent you never had, accept that their lack of love had nothing to do with you or your actions and everything to do with their personality disorder, and to come around in the end and see that your parent is the unbalanced one - and hopefully someone you can have compassion for, in time).

I wish I could tell you that The ACoN Society is "a con" - some cruel joke played on unsuspecting passersby. But it isn't. There may not be many of us (praise God for that), but we do exist. Friends who had good, loving, humble parents who enjoyed every precious moment of their children's youth will not be able to relate. Good friends will try to understand, but will never know the awful sting of the hateful words of a resentful parent.

That's why The ACoN Society exists. We understand you, because we went through something eerily similar. (Which is also how we are assured that psychologists have it right and "NPD" is a real "thing"; so many different lives, different circumstances, different details and yet..... the stories, the phrases, the experiences are all too familiar).

Welcome to the community, ACoN

ACoN: Adult Child of a Narcissist

The ACoN Society was founded in 2012 to provide an online gathering place for ACoNs around the world.

Finding out that you're not alone in your journey can be liberating. The ACoN Society exists to connect individuals with common backgrounds with one another, with the blogs of other ACoNs, and with resources.

We hope that The ACoN Society will provide a nexus for the online ACoN community, and that here you can belong. "Membership" is free, and the only rule is simple: love one another.

Articles posted here are written by fellow survivors of narcissism, and are not intended to replace or supplement the advice of mental health professionals. They are the opinions of the author(s) alone, and are meant solely for 'entertainment purposes'. We are not experts nor therapists - we are laypeople who wish to share our experiences in the hope that they will provide encouragement for others in similar situations.

Welcome to our community. We are sorry that you have gone through what you have.

Please note that ACoN blogs are the frequent target of trolls (many of which appear to be estranged and manipulative parents seeking vengeance and/or control). We do what we can to keep the haters out, and welcome anyone who truly understands what it is to be on the receiving end of an abusive relationship with a heinously unfair power-imbalance. If you've made it through your adult parent's pathology as a resource-less and innocent child and lived to tell the tale - you're welcome here. We're sorry you have the credentials to join this 'society', but we're glad you've found us.

The ACoN Acorn

Volvo Longe Abs Arbor: Roll Far from the Tree

 

Apart from the obvious similarities between the acronym "ACoN" and the word 'acorn', the acorn is a good representative of the ACoN experience.

A small seed from a large, strong oak tree doesn't have much in the way of power, influence or ability. As the saying goes, "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree". But let us not assume that this means we are doomed to become carbon copies of our troubled parents; we are each a unique creation.

Though we begin small and fall helplessly to earth under the imposing shadow of the mighty oak, we are not completely without hope. And so, we say to one another, "Roll Far from the Tree"! Let's help each other to gain momentum and to move out from under the shade of our biological source.

Another nice mental picture to keep in mind is that each mighty oak began with a single acorn. In time, the powerless become the powerful. Let's always vow to use our power for the benefit of others and not for selfish or abusive purposes. We are each completely unique in our compositions. We may even have inherited a beneficial combination of traits as a combination of a dominant narcissist and a passive enabler. The difference is that we live our lives by a very different credo, perhaps bravely going into territory that members of our family of origin fear to tread. We are explorers into unknown lands, seeking a better life for ourselves and those we hold dear.

If your parent ever said to you "It's all downhill from where you are!", have hope! And continue to roll ever farther from that toxic tree!