The Pathological Triad

by Quercus

*Please be sure to read the comment thread for Vicarious Rising's point (the first comment in the thread) on the innocent and unwitting child and their involvement in this system; I definitely neglected to address that aspect in the body of the post, and it's a critical one! Thanks, VR!*

The Pathological Triad (also known as the "Karpman Drama Triangle") is something I've been well-acquainted with, thanks to a well-meaning older friend of mine who likes to relate virtually any human relationship idiosyncrasy back to this model. While I feel this model does have limitations (the friend uses this like it's going out of style!), it's a simple conceptual diagram that does apply itself very well to the dynamics of an abusive home.

I highly recommend this webpage belonging to Dr Peter Gerlach - it's a quick, bare-bones read on this phenomenon, and I guarantee it'll give you insight (this 'triangle' can cycle inside your own mind - you can pathologize yourself with it! Inner triangles then spur outer triangles).  A quote from his site:

One person unconsciously chooses the role of the Persecutor ("P"). S/He blames, disrespects, attacks, ignores, and/or criticizes the Victim ("V") for something, causing the Rescuer ("R") to defend the Victim. That may quickly shift so that the Persecutor becomes a Victim, and the former Victim may become a Rescuer. Note that these three labels refer to roles (behaviors and attitudes), not the person in the role.

Each role may be played by an adult or a child. Each person can switch back and forth between these roles with different situations and different people. Few people are aware they're doing this. If they are, they don't know how to not do it.  

There are three positions on the triangle, and they represent "roles", not people. This is important to remember, because as a person you can slide from one role to the next, depending on the current situation. In my family, it was rare for anyone to stay completely within one role for very long.

"... the Victim is not really as helpless as he feels, the Rescuer is not really helping, and the Persecutor does not really have a valid complaint." (reference)

The Persecutor is the accuser, or the one 'pointing the finger'. They are the abuser, crying foul and creating a victim. My NM played this role, though she'd be mostly unaware of it. She viewed herself as the victim instead.

The Victim is rather self-explanatory. I think the key in understanding the role of the victim is to remember that the victim is the lynch-pin; as Steve Karpman (for whom the model is named) said, this nasty cycle "will go on as long as someone is willing to be victimized" (ref.). Ironically, the most powerless position on this triangle is actually the exit door - if you find yourself in the role of victim, which many of us ACoNs will, don't despair. You can exit from that position. One trouble with being in the victim role is that if you get a rescuer to 'perpetuate your negative feelings', you'll sit there comfortably, feeling helpless and miserable but championed by the rescuer, and you won't want to disengage from the triangle. You also won't think for yourself or stand up for yourself when your rescuer will do it all for you (the rescuer is enabling helplessness in the victim, unfortunately, and is not having a positive impact despite intentions to the contrary).

The Rescuer is an interesting role, and I don't think it applies totally to any "E" parents, since they weren't doing much rescuing (other than rescuing the "N"!). Hypothetically, if you had one abusive parent, the other would likely take up the role of rescuer. In my family, I was often the rescuer. I was the victim for the most part, but when my NM got going, I was cast as the persecutor (herself as the victim). Either my EF would jump into the role of the rescuer to save NM from my 'abuses', or, as it was quite frequently, I would have to simultaneously be both the persecutor and the rescuer (the problem and the solution) for dear old victimized narcissistic-mother!

The Rescuer is a very dangerous role to be in, in my opinion, because it doesn't feel as powerless as the victim's role. You get to swoop in and save the day, and I found this especially gratifying when I had earlier been cast as the persecutor. As the rescuer, you have the opportunity to make things better, to bring about peace. It can be dangerously addictive to play the role of someone who 'makes things better'. I think that I preferred the role of rescuer to that of victim, which is where I was for the majority of any given day when NM wasn't kicking up a fuss and labeling me as the persecutor.

I'm not sure how, but I think I relate best to the rescuer role. As the scapegoat in my FOO, I would honestly have assumed that I'd relate best to the victim role, or possibly the persecutor, since I was always, ALWAYS accused of "breaking my NM's heart"!

Wikipedia says this of the 'rescuer' role:

It is someone who has a mixed or covert motive that is actually benefiting egoically in some way from being "the one who rescues". The rescuer has a surface motive of resolving the problem, and appears to make great efforts to solve it, but also has a hidden motive to not succeed, or to succeed in a way that they benefit. For example, they may feel a sense of self-esteem or status as a "rescuer", or enjoy having someone dependent or trusting of them - and act in a way that ostensibly seems to be trying to help, but at a deeper level plays upon the victim in order to continue getting their payoff.

I would agree - when I play the role of 'rescuer', I have the opportunity to show 'love' to the mother who has not shown love to me. I can 'care for' the mother who has not cared for me. I can feel good about myself for providing a service. In my situation, I believe the latter motive, "to succeed in a way that they benefit" is my unconscious desire - I've always been rather bereft in the self-esteem department, so here's a way I can get self-esteem back from a mother who stripped it from me.

The following lists were taken from "The Drama Triangle" on Mental Health Today.

Common themes in the role of 'The Rescuer':

• Rescues when they don't really want to.
• Feels guilty if they don't rescue.
• Keeps victim dependent.
• Gives permission to the others to fail.
• Expects to fail themselves in rescue attempts.

(This is me in a nutshell. I wonder if I've been sitting in the "rescuer" role ever since I went Low/No-Contact and started to withdraw, though I'm sure I'm also the "persecutor" since I'm CLEARLY doing what I'm doing to punish my NM! (sarcasm). Sigh.)

 Common themes in the role of 'The Persecutor':

• Sets strict limits unnecessarily.
• Blames.
• Criticizes.
• Keeps victim oppressed.
• Is mobilized by anger.
• Rigid, authorative stance.
• "Critical" parent.

(I can see clearly how my parents would cast me in this role, too. "Strict limits" = essential psychological boundaries! Rigid and authoritative in keeping boundaries... yeah, I would fit this role in their view as well!).

Common themes in the role of 'The Victim':

• Feels victimized, oppressed, helpless, hopeless, powerless, ashamed.
• Looks for a rescuer who will perpetuate their negative feelings.
• If stays in Victim position, will block self from making decisions, solving problems, pleasure and self-understanding.
• "Dejected" stance.

(I think I have ceased to be the victim ever since I sought psychotherapy, moved out, and read about NPD. I can certainly say I grew up in this position for much of my early life, but was increasingly cast in the other two roles as I matured. Not fair, not fun!).

One thing that leaps to mind about 'The Victim' role is the online communities for "parents of estranged children". One often gets the distinct feeling that they almost revel in their 'victimhood' and are looking for others to pity them (perpetuate their negative feelings), rather than challenging themselves to become problem solvers and seek self-understanding. There doesn't seem to be much legitimate self-reflection happening, in my opinion, amongst these 'estranged parents'. There is a lot of victimhood, but not a lot of self-empowerment to rectify a difficult situation. (It's probably what drove the child away in the first place - I could see the child being cast unfairly as the persecutor, and the other parent (rescuer) being blamed for not siding more with the dejected, 'victimized' parent).

An amazing excerpt from "Transcending the Victim-Rescuer-Persecutor Triangle" on Holistic World:

Breaking The Cycle - Simply becoming aware of and understanding these patterns are good first steps. Once we are aware of our patterns we can choose to help ourselves to change, to break free and to step off the triangle. Understanding that most "Professional Victims" really do not want help, nor do they want to change, makes it much easier to avoid getting caught up in their games. They might want your attention, time, love, support, money, energy and nurturing, however few "Professional Victims" are really willing or committed to making the effort and taking the actions required to actually change their circumstances. They are masters at the game! That is where the term "Professional Victim" comes from. Oddly enough, when you reach out to help a "Victim," telling them that they are beautiful, intelligent or fully capable of being happy and achieving love and success, the Victim will often argue with you, telling you all the reasons why they are not, cannot - and why your suggestions will not work. Their constant focus is on their past, their problems, fears and failures.

So what do you think? Can you identify your role(s) in your family?

What I find interesting is applying this construct to fights and arguments that you're not a part of - you can practically see people changing from role to role as fights progress, and the 'roles' are very obvious. I recommend remembering this and applying it (silently in your own mind!) to the next tiff or argument at your workplace.

Groups can also function to fill the roles - you can get a mob mentality that cast as victims, or as persecutors, or even as rescuers. It's interesting to watch these dynamics ebb and flow in the corporate world. One hopes the 'triangle' is a fleeting set-up; us ACoNs all know too well what can happen when you've grown up in an entrenched "Pathological Triad".

"The situation plays out when a situation arises and a person takes a role as victim or persecutor. Others then take the other roles. Thereafter 'the two players move around the triangle, thus switching roles', so that for example the victim turns on the rescuer, the rescuer switches to persecuting -- or as often happens the rescuer ends up entering the situation and becoming a victim." (Wikipedia)

I think the "Pathological Triad" or "Drama Triangle" is a very challenging model to apply to yourself. It doesn't say very nice things of anyone in any of the roles. I think this is one of the more upsetting things I read (my emphases):

"The covert purpose for each 'player' and the reason the situation endures is that each gets their unspoken (and frequently unconscious) psychological wishes/needs met in a manner they feel justified, without having to acknowledge the broader dysfunction or harm done in the situation as a whole. As such, each player is acting upon their own selfish 'needs', rather than acting in a genuinely responsible or altruistic manner." (Wikipedia)

So how do you stop the cycle and break out of the triangle? I believe, based on what I've read, all you have to do is stop contributing. Stop rescuing, stop persecuting, refuse to be a victim.... I think it means "Low Contact" (or "No Contact", depending on your situation). This is very good news for us ACoNs, since setting boundaries and distancing ourselves from our FOO's is something we all have to do anyway to varying extents. And as mentioned earlier in this post, the 'victim' stands right next to the metaphorical 'exit door'; in a beautiful twist of fate, the most powerless has the best opportunity to get out!

As a final note, I want to credit that elder friend of mine for his knowledge on the subject. He says that:

"People would rather KILL or DIE than have their stable pathological triangles collapse on them! They will do anything to maintain the dysfunction. They will do anything to keep you in the role they need you to act out."

He's not a psychologist or therapist or anyone accredited to say such a thing, but this has been his observation after a long life of familial drama. I think he's right, too - when I read the blogs of other ACoNs and see the bizarre stunts and extreme lengths the FOO's go to to recapture the escaped ACoN into their 'web of dysfunction', I believe my friend is correct in thinking that there is nothing they won't do to reestablish a pathological system that benefits them.

I remember what Dr Peter Gerlach said - "Few people are aware they're doing this. If they are, they don't know how to not do it."

Man the escape pods, ACoN. It's time to abandon the triangular-shaped ship!



For further reading, straight from the model's creator's mouth (Dr Stephen Karpman), read the PDF file "The New Drama Triangles".

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Here are the sources I have used for this article - there's so much more to read than covered in my post:

http://sfhelp.org/relate/triangles.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle
http://www.mental-health-today.com/articles/drama.htm
http://www.holisticworld.co.uk/your_say.php?article_id=77
http://www.karpmandramatriangle.com/pdf/thenewdramatriangles.pdf
http://www.claudesteiner.com/hea1.htm