The Game You Cannot Win

or,

 

"How I'm Still Holding onto the Fantasy that I can Change my NParents"

by Quercus

I've made reference before to a game that cannot be won (the game you, the scapegoat adult child, plays with your narcissistic parent(s) - I'm certainly not the first person to characterize this as a game, I am simply borrowing the metaphor here!), and I wanted to expand upon it a little because my awesome shrink had some fantastic insight on the matter.

There's some prerequisite reading for this post, so I'd like to refer you to The Pathological Triad post first, in case you aren't familiar with the roles of Victim-Persecutor-Rescuer. If you think you're the victim, think again! In this game, you're positioned anywhere but there!

A post on Jonsi's blog (Open Your Eyes and See) contained an image of a woman burying her head in her hands and the caption:

"Playing the victim has many advantages. For example: you're much less likely to be held accountable."

And it's such a good caption, it inspired me to write this post.

At my weekly psychologist's appointment, I learned the following: though I had long since accepted that my parents cannot (WILL NOT) change, I apparently haven't given up trying to modify their behaviour.

I am simply using another tactic. Where I have accepted that they will not change their selves (check!), I have failed to accept that I can't somehow construct a situation in which I can force them to modify their behaviour toward me while still maintaining their original diseased personalities.

Ah. He caught me. I didn't realise this was a problem, too.

He points out that I'm still feeling responsible to change the situation for the better. That I'm still wracking my brains trying to engineer a suitable social construct in which it becomes possible for me to deal with them on a regular or even reduced basis (Low Contact). And not just for me, either, but for their benefit as well. I'm still taking on the role of architectural engineer in my family, feeling it's my responsibility to go back to the drafting table (or AutoCad!) again and again until I get it right for all involved.

I'm apparently "desperately searching for that lever to pull or button to press" to enact some sort of reluctant 'truce' between the army of my parents and me.

Switching metaphors, what I want, truthfully, is for them to accept that the game has changed. New rules. Strictly enforced boundaries. If I don't like how they are playing my game (I've taken control, you see), then I will walk. Forever.

I want to use the threat of my leaving and 'cutting them out of my life' (which I have already been accused of, ha!) to modify their behaviour sufficiently so I can tolerate any sort of superficial relationship between us.

Q of RumblestripQ recently said somewhere that there are two kinds of ACoNs: "those who have gone No Contact, and those who will".

I didn't believe it. I also don't like all-or-nothing black-and-white statements like these out of principle (for starters, my EF uses them all the time because he believes they make him sound wise. They don't. And secondly, there are very few things in the universe, particularly in human experience, that exist as dichotomies (either one or the other, without overlap). Ironically, my last post featured abuse of this very same tautology I'm complaining about now, so what do I know?!).

But as of today, I'm starting to think that this rigid statement might have significant validity, though I will make the concession that people and the relationships between people are too difficult to define so easily (again, my last post completely ignores this sentiment, so think what you will!).

The reason for my softening up to the "No Contact, or will go No Contact" logic is that my shrink supports the notion (at least, in my case he does):

"You have no alternative to 'playing the game'. You either keep playing the role of Persecutor and Rescuer, or you QUIT."

Quit = No Contact. Forever.

In my family, my NParents are firmly in the role of Victim. They will not budge from it. For anything. I've given examples in the past of heinous crimes committed against my person at a young age (by someone other than my parents), and they have still found a way to permanently embed themselves in the role of Victim and me as Persecutor and Rescuer in even this extreme instance. (I'm the Persecutor for "making them feel guilty" by not simply forgetting about being raped. I'm also the Rescuer because if I want Mummie to stop crying, I'd better not tell anyone about what happened to me and just plain forget about it!). If that's not sick and evil, I don't know what is!

I said to my Psychologist, "I feel as if I'm beating my head against a brick wall!" I don't remember exactly what the context of that was, but he ran with the statement and said this:

"That's a perfect metaphor - you are repeatedly injuring yourself in order to try to bring about change in them!"

Oh. I really saw it differently. I saw it as me "putting the ball in their court". It's up to them whether or not they want to play by the rules. If they want a relationship with me, they have to play nicely. What's so bad about this? Doesn't this put me in a position of relative power? Aren't I safe up here?

Well apparently not. Here's the thesis:

Whenever I interact with my FOO, in any context, to any extent, I'm "in the game". I am then forced to oscillate between the roles of Persecutor and Rescuer at the whim of my NM, who calls the shots. I can try to wrest control of the game from her, but I won't have support of the other players. NM will always control how the game is played. And I will forever be either the Persecutor or the Rescuer.

I can be murdered. Raped. Defrauded. Beaten to a pulp. Horsewhipped. Mocked. Run down. Slandered. It doesn't matter what happens to me, and my innocence or relative involvement will be unimportant (Manslaughter, Aggravated Assault, Murder in the First - it doesn't affect my lot what my abuser is charged with). I will NEVER be afforded "victim status" in my family.

Ironically, I've been accused time and time again of playing the victim myself. I'm sure I've tried. The reason why it was pointed out and I was punished for it was simple:

My NM is the only TRUE Victim in our FOO! She alone may sit upon the Throne of Victimhood.

And why? Well it's exactly as Jonsi's picture says - there are benefits to sitting in that position. It can never be your fault, at least, it can't be completely your fault. Someone else must share the blame! My NM has done so many evil and heartless things to me in my lifetime, but it's never been her fault at all. I always, ALWAYS brought these abuses down on myself. Even when I was a toddler, apparently. I was the Persecutor when I was born. I wrecked her figure. I left scarring. I gave her post-partum depression. I prevented her from getting proper rest. I caused her boobs to sag. As I got older, I was still the Persecutor for all these reasons (and more and more by the day!), but I also got the added responsibility of being the Rescuer.

"Your mother is crying her heart out in her bedroom because of you! You're breaking her heart!"

I remember clearly hearing this on one particularly confusing instance when I was eight. Beats me what I did - I was an angel of a kid (ask any of my teachers!), and I was understandably terrified to do anything to hurt anyone, least of all my emotionally fragile mother!

I had to lose weight to stop my mother from dying from a broken heart. Wear the clothes she needed me to wear. Brush my hair better. Clean up the house more. Smile more in public - make my mother look better to others! Tell people I was happy no matter what!

"They think I'm a bad mother!" she'd wail, running dramatically down the hall to her room and slamming the door shut to sob herself to sleep and starve herself by refusing to eat. EF would come down hard on me, always. Spankings, but more typically angry dressings-down in front of my younger siblings, who soon learned to blame me for killing their mother.... She's still alive and quite well today, I ought to mention!

So what am I still doing that's causing me pain and landing me in the Psychologist's office every week, crumpled and sobbing? I'm RESCUING. Oh yes, I'm rescuing.

I'm brainstorming. I'm running projected models through my brain looking for design flaws. I'm building mock-ups. I'm structurally engineering a new family dynamic that will work for everyone and which will finally let me off the hook of having to abandon them forever and never look back!

And are they doing any work at all? Are they truly interested in helping me out, as they claim?

My Psychologist gave me this look that makes me feel like he's sizing me up for a straitjacket, and said, slowly and quietly,

"What does history tell you about your parents? When you were small, and the problems between you far less complex, did they try to modify their behaviours then? Did they send you to a child psychologist? Or did they read books on parenting and try different techniques on you? Did they sit down and talk with you about your feelings, ever? Did they, in short, ever do anything to suggest that they were interested in putting any effort in whatsoever to your relationship? To your emotional well-being?

No?

Do you think it's reasonable to assume that they will be willing to concede at all in any respect now? Is it reasonable to expect that they will be interested in change, even in the slightest? Compromise? Open to trying something new? Even if it costs them nothing, will they try it?"

The answer is clearly no.

Not only are my NM and EF "lifers" in the Victim role, they also refuse to allow me to rescue them after having cast me as Rescuer. They don't want me to succeed! They don't want to change at all, and by rescuing them, I'd be uprooting them from their beloved sinkhole of victimhood! They probably don't even want to give me the satisfaction of knowing that I helped them, even if they wanted a particular change!

My NParents often say that I "have to help [them]". That I "need" to "help them" to be happy or understand or whatever. But in all my many, many ill-conceived or even carefully planned attempts to "help them", they have dug in their feet and refused to budge. I've tried pulling, pushing, yanking, levering, platforming, dragging, dead-lifting, you name it. They could climb out themselves, but they don't want to.

I eventually have to give up. I am sad and defeated. And this makes them happy, so for awhile all is peaceful. I'm miserable and they've succeeded.

But then the unexpected happens - I start to get happy again. Other aspects of my life are satisfying, and I start smiling. It is now when they call me Persecutor, cry out that they are being done wrong, that I am "killing them". Once they hook me, they call on me to Rescue them.

And around and around it goes.

"Your mother is not as innocent or as uninvolved as she makes herself out to be. She is quite active in all of this, though she masquerades as the helpless victim."

Never forget that the best 'traps' are the ones that don't look like traps. Think of a someone feigning an injury to draw you close, only to find out that they are bigger and stronger and have it in mind to kill you! The real bad guys play upon the pity of the good guys. The humanitarianism of the good guy is often their downfall. N's know this. This is how they exploit our admirable moral strengths and make them our weaknesses.

And so I come to a close in this post. Here's the take-home messages:

1. If you have ANY relationship at ALL with your FOO, you're still in the game. 
2. If you're sick of the game and don't want to be put in the impossible position(s) anymore, you have no other viable option but to go NO CONTACT*.
3. Your admirable traits and qualities, what makes you different from the Narcissist, is what the Narcissist uses against you. Because you aren't a Narcissist yourself, your only option again is to remove yourself from the game. Quit and go NO CONTACT.
4. Don't ignore the past. Learn from it. Have they ever attempted to change anything for your benefit? Ever? No? Then don't be naive - as they get older and more stuck in their ways, they become less and less likely to change. If they couldn't do it when it was relatively easy to do so (when you were an easily manipulated and innocent child), you can bet they won't be able to now!
5. Don't make the mistake of thinking your NParents are emotionally crippled and dying of broken hearts. It's just a trap - they're feigning injury to draw you in. Feeling guilty about not helping them? Send through a third-party the contact information of a psychologist in their area. If they truly need help, they'll know to get it. The truth is that they know they don't need help. It's a bluff. Keep up the poker face - don't fold!

*this reminds me of Suicide. Suicide is virtually NEVER about dying, but is about 'ending the pain'. The human brain comes up with the idea of suicide when it feels it is trapped and there are no other options. If you are feeling suicidal, tell someone (1 800 SUICIDE, or a friend, or better yet a mental health professional. Tell everyone you trust. Get support). But also know that the impulse of suicide exists because your unconscious mind sees no other escape. There is an escape. It's "No Contact". And if you can't go "No Contact" today, not to worry. Get a therapist. Get a support group. Start a blog! Comment here! Get the support you need to gain enough strength. Then you will have the option of "No Contact". The glorious, undreamed-dream of freedom from the oppressive psychic regime of your NFOO! Dream the impossible dream - it's not impossible, it just takes a little preparation!


(Updated): I wanted to add a link to a website that I first saw Caliban's Sister draw attention to. It's an author by the name of Demian Yumei, and she writes about all sorts of useful NPD topics, including this one, Feigning Sorrow. My NM does this, and I would have worked this reference into the body of this post had I heard about it in time.