Thankfulness

by Quercus

It's Canadian Thanksgiving this weekend. There are more things that I am thankful for than I can hope to express. I think that's true of anyone, actually - it's next to impossible for our minds to encompass all the positives in our lives. The negatives are what stand out.

In my last post (On Upside-down Charity), I got across much of the thought process I had in my mind, but I missed a few key thoughts somehow. I wish I could have better articulated one particular aspect, and so I'm going to try to do so bluntly here. I hope it comes out right:

The key difference, maybe the only one, between my NM and myself is that she turns her aggression and anger outwards, and I am mostly able to confine my own inwards, towards myself. I thereby keep my own ego in check - I'm seeing myself as clearly as I can (perhaps even unfavourably). She's looking at others, feeling insecure, and is attacking - there's nothing to keep her self-image to account.

I don't know why that's the case. Luck, maybe. God's hand at work in my life. I really couldn't say. I am blessed, in my mind, to not need to drag others down with me. This is not because of my own strength - this is really a blessing/fluke/sheer luck (depending on what you believe). I am introspective, not comparing. I don't feel nearly any envy of anyone in any position. This used to bother me - I thought it suggested weird repression or something. And who knows - it might!

If we can keep our attention focused on our own problems and fight to improve ourselves, we won't have the energy to focus on other people and tear them down.

Maybe the reason why people turn their aggression outwards was already pointed out by Caliban's Sister (comment on On Upside-down Charity) in Charity's life:

She's been struggling with meds, as had loss after loss after loss, feels severely guilty about her own son.

Guilt could do it. I believe that my NParents feel enormous guilt, too much for them to handle. Rather than address it (because they can't? Won't? Starting to lean towards can't!), they project it, on to me. I cause the feeling of guilt, ergo, I'm the problem. Flawed logic, but something I now believe they truly cling to. I think the guilt is too massive for them to deal with, so they stop looking 'inwards' and start looking 'outwards'. (Weird that 'self-centredness' in this context is a outward view!).

Maybe we're all just a set of too-difficult circumstances away from turning into what we despise. I suppose everyone has their breaking points.

So I remind myself, daily, to "let go and let God". I find this saying too cute, but it really is a useful mantra. I trust that my God, He who can do anything, can help me to manage something that is infinitely too much for me to bear but nothing at all to Him. He has a plan for me and for everyone and everything, and so if I am just honest with Him (and at the same time, myself), my shortcomings won't get the better of me.

"Humility" is a parallel thought here. If I can truly accept that I can't handle whatever crisis is upon me, but trust that He will sort it out, I don't have to panic and attack others. I don't have to drag them down with me to stop me from being alone in my pit of despair. I can rely upon God and just release that guilt. If I did something horribly wrong, I can confess it: I f*cked up, big time. It's more than I can fix. It's my fault, and I can't undo it - HELP!

"Letting go" is difficult, but if you don't do it, you risk getting swept away to 'the dark side' (cue 'The Empire Strikes Back' theme). Maybe it's Divine intervention that allows us to 'let go', or maybe the choice to let go is ours and ours alone. I don't have any of these answers. I have a lot of questions though. For example,

• Why do bad things happen to good people?
• Why can I avoid (so far!) becoming a malignant narcissist like my mother and her father before her? What is the difference(s)? (And I want the truth, not to simply hear what would flatter me).
• What are our choices, and what is predetermined?
• What do we actually have control over in our lives, if anything at all? Which is illusion, which is real?
• What does "free will" extend to?

All these questions and more - it's easy to get caught up in them and fail to see the wonder and beauty and amazing gift that life is! In my suicidal thoughts, I fail to see anything but darkness. I am blind. When I'm not 'in the pit of despair', I can see more of my life and the world I live in. But I know I never see it all - there is an infinite number of things I take for granted.

Having a thankful heart is to have a happy heart - that has even been shown to be true scientifically (religious/spiritual people are more happy, and studies concluded it was gratitude that did it). If you'd like to up your 'happiness quotient', list five things at the end of each day that you are thankful for, big, small and trivial.

Here are my five things I'm thankful for today:

• The Divine in my life, and the ability for Him to know me and vice versa.
• The ACoN community - so many people on a similar scary path; so many lovely, interesting, strong people facing such adversity with grace and compassion for others!
• Pumpkin pie (and having plenty to eat, something so few people experience).
• My support network. Without them, I'd have no resistance to not slip into the dark side. It would be a little slip here, a nasty vengeful comment there, and I'd be sliding down a very slippery slope into a place no ACoN probably chooses to go (sociopaths aside).
• Opportunities to learn and grow . . . which includes 'suffering'. It's hard to be thankful for suffering, but it probably is a necessary side-effect of personal growth (like growing pains in the knees of a teenager).

Thank you for being here for me, and for other ACoNs, too. Happy Thanksgiving to you all!