Monday 29 October 2012

Suicidal Ideation in ACoNs

by Quercus

A serious post today, but one of importance. I'd like to recommend Jessie's post on Suicide and the follow-up Choosing Life as well.

Suicidal ideation is a common occurrence amongst ACoNs. And one could assume that the motivations behind self-harm would be similar among us. But after reading Jessie's post, I realise that there are important differences. (It also makes me think twice about trying to describe the 'path' that ACoNs follow - outlining a general path for all might prove to be impractical).

First things first, suicide is almost never about dying - it's about ending the pain. Not seeing any other way out, the normally frightening prospect of terminating one's own existence suddenly seems a viable (and lone) option.

Suicidal ideation typically accompanies feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, and haplessness (citation). And so it's no surprise that many times, "pre-red pill*" ACoNs who haven't realised the narcissistic truth of their parents and families, are suicidal. They're trapped, they're helpless, they're miserable, and very often hopeless after a lifetime of abuse they feel obligated to endure.

*(Confused about the "red pill" references? It's from the movie The Matrix. The 'red pill' undoes the current illusion of life and shows what the reality is. The 'blue pill', in contrast, allows one to reinstate the delusion, returning one to the fantasy world from whence they came. Mulderfan's and Ruth's blogs have both made reference to 'the red pill' in the ACoN context - the links go to the relevant posts).

But this wasn't my experience. I was horribly depressed all through my teenage years, and yes, I did occasionally think of suicide in the "pre-red pill" days. Life was hard, it was confusing, and it was abjectly lonely despite constant companionship. I never truly understood why I wasn't happy, but I was keenly aware of my misery. Fleeting thoughts of suicide occurred, but in retrospect I could hardly describe them as serious.


Is Reality Unbearable? Or is Psychological Transformation Life-Threatening?


For me, the suicidal tendencies developed "post-red pill". Like Jessie, the discovery that my NM was an "N" was a huge turning point in my life. It happened after I had sought therapy; a huge fight with my FOO finally drove me to seek professional help (I blamed myself for that fight, and in many ways rightly so. But I knew my mother had somehow instigated it, though my DH couldn't see how, and I couldn't explain it. I can now, of course (and DH can, too). And this document articulates the methods my NM employs better than I could ever hope to!).

I shopped around for therapists (a highly recommended activity, and a rather interesting one, too), found the one I felt would be most capable of helping me, and started sessions. It must have been very early on into therapy, maybe just a month, when I was searching online for answers in my free time. One of the therapists I had interviewed, but not teamed up with, previously mentioned that my mother's behaviour was likely 'diagnosable'. "Diagnosable? Diagnosable of what, exactly?" I thought. So I went looking and found out all about NPD.

I found the red pill and I swallowed it. I went running to my therapist, excited to tell him my discovery. Not surprisingly, he was way ahead of me on the "NPD" suspicions. I read blogs, books, websites, scientific publications, everything I could, and I continued on with therapy. I was happy with my new-found knowledge. It all made sense! I found other people who not only understood what I was going through and who were also making progress and discoveries, but people who had survived the journey and had happily moved on with their lives! Taking the red pill sucked because I had to accept that my mother never loved me and never would, but it was also a huge relief. The validation of hearing that it wasn't me who was the cause of all this misery but them, the FOO who has never once made an ounce of sense to me emotionally, was so sweet and something that I, like Jessie, saw as Divine Intervention (thank you, Lord!).

About six months or so into therapy is when my periodic moments of despair, which had been happening since my teenage years, ramped up into full-blown, suicidal ideation. I am currently over one year into therapy (weekly visits), and I'd say for the past six months I've been dealing with serious thoughts of suicide and some weak self-harming behaviour (turns out I'm not big on physical pain no matter how upset I am). At nine months into therapy, about 3 months ago, the real risk of suicide became tangible. I very nearly had to admit myself into the hospital on two occasions as a preventative measure. The most recent breakdown was last week.


My Subconscious Seismic Upheavals are Drowning Me


I've read that in Jungian psychology, the 'conscious' part of the mind is best represented by a small island in the middle of a large ocean. The ocean signifies the portion of the mind that is subconscious. In actuality, the conscious mind that we typically operate in is but a tiny part of what's really going on in all that grey matter.

This analogy works very well for my understanding of where my suicidal thoughts come from (and interestingly, I heard another ACoN blogger use a similar turn of phrase, only they likened it to waves of human excrement repeatedly crashing down on them and preventing them from catching a breath).

Enormous seismic upheavals and landslides are going on in my subconscious mind during the course of my therapy. The entire landscape, hidden to me, is reforming in violent undersea eruptions and generating, as would happen in a real ocean, tsunamis. My poor little island nation called "Consciousness" is getting swamped and drowned over and over and over again by tsunamis triggered by subconscious terraforming, and I have no way to predict their arrival.

I take the analogy one step further and add 'storms' into the picture as well. Storms are crises I can see brewing on the horizon, and typically they come in the form of emails from the FOO in my inbox (or text messages, which bother me the most - so invasive!). I can board up the windows and batten down the hatches before the storm rolls over. And I can usually get a little warning, even if it's just minutes. But the cataclysmic tsunamis I simply cannot predict (if only I could prosecute someone over that! Sorry, scientific-community sarcasm - what a crock of bull!)

Subconscious 'tsunamis' flood me and very nearly drown me with guilt, remorse, self-loathing and hopelessness. I literally struggle to breathe, and I generally cry so hard I spend hours choking on my own tears. My eyes swell half shut. It's ugly. And it's unavoidable. Thankfully it only rarely starts in public (it's all I can do to get home as fast as possible!).

This is the despair that drives me to desperation. It lasts for hours, only abating when I've wailed myself to a pitiful exhaustion (and it really only stops because I've run out of the energy to fuel it). If it happens at night and I can sleep it off, I don't wake up feeling better at all. I usually have a terrible headache and body aches and fatigue for a day or two afterwards. It really feels as though I've just barely survived a natural disaster. I begin to fear the next one, because I don't feel as though I ever fully recover. Each time this happens, I genuinely believe I won't survive this 'attack', and that my heart arrhythmia is going to land me in cardiac arrest from sustained tachycardia. Sometimes I just hope my heart's going to give out. I'm sure I'd instantly regret that wish if it did, but that's the pathetic truth. It's just that overwhelming.

I read about some sensationalized, sentimental news item about how one really can 'die from a broken heart' (which is Takosubo cardiomyopathy, seen in The Guardian, which was less annoying than the first article I had read on it), and I start to wonder just what damage I'm doing to a ticker that's already got a couple of issues. And then I think about how I'm "breaking my mother's heart", a phrase my father used on a daily basis with me in all the years I lived under their roof, and which he still uses in every fricking email and text message he sends me.


Transference of Property to the 'Silent Partner'


For the first time in my memory, my mother actually used the all-too-familiar phrase herself - "You are breaking my heart." That was a couple of weeks ago now. I haven't wanted to discuss it 'til now.

Something must've changed for her to actually say that in the first person - traditionally, she's only ever sent her henchman (the EF) to psychologically abuse me with that specific accusation. Maybe he wasn't getting the results she wanted and she fired him. I don't know. What I do know is that this is a significant turn of events; I've always known my mother would have me know that I'm 'breaking her heart', but she's rarely, if ever, had to utter that sentiment herself. Her puppet, my gutless EF, did her dirty work in the 'heart-breaker' accusation department. Actually, he's always been the 'messenger' of most of her missile-like missives. I mentioned before that EF appears to bear the brunt of my NM's aggression when me, the-human-punching-bag, isn't there to take it. Maybe she's hurting him by finally pink-slipping the middle man. Who knows, and I'm trying not to care. Either way, the game has clearly changed.

I vowed I wouldn't respond to my parents until October 29th, which is today. Q was right - I don't really want to call off my recent foray into the "No Contact" zone now that the campaign is coming to a close. It's nice out here.

So that's my story on my own struggles with suicide. I've never come close enough to a serious attempt thankfully, but the despair really feels like it's going to kill me. I wish it would stop.

But if the 'suicidal tsunamis' are merely a symptom of an overall beneficial process, the changing terrain of my subconscious mind, I'll try to adopt the "whatever doesn't kill you will only make you stronger" view. It's just really hard to do it when you feel as though you won't survive another breakdown.


Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. (Matthew 5:4)


I think of people like Jessie, and Jessie's sister, and all the horrors they've been through. And how despite all of it, both of them are still here today. It's a triumph of the spirit - I now know what incredible strength they must have to continue on despite that degree of despair. It takes real resilience to carry on with that weight upon the shoulders. There's another Scripture verse that comes to mind for me, and it's from Psalm 56:8 - "Record my misery; list my tears on your scroll. Are they not in your record?".

The Bible has all sorts of verses that apply to my situation. Matthew 10:35 is a good one - "For I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law...". Some people are on the side of truth, and some aren't, I suppose. It's nice to know that God gets that. We're not all "cut from the same cloth" as our parents where it matters (in our character!).


Let us glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. (Romans 5:3-4)


And let us pray for the strength to overcome! (An article on Resilience in Psychology Today - "Finding Strength: How to Overcome Anything"). The Scripture above (Romans 5:3-4) refers to the prosecution of the early Christians, but it can also apply to the struggles of the righteous on the side of truth (and I say this, because it is also written that "The Lord is righteous, He loves justice; the virtuous will see his face." - Psalm 11:7). It's also nice to know that "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed." - Psalm 34:18.

Hope can be a tall order for the ACoN to muster. Hope is not personally one of my strengths. I'm actually an optimist on most fronts, but in terms of my own life . . . well, it's hard to be optimistic when you struggle to think for yourself. I really mean that, too - so much of my thought processes seem to have been put there by my meddlesome, malevolent mother. They don't function in my favour but in hers. Thinking for myself, for my own purposes that is, is a real challenge.

It's hard to be hopeful on behalf of someone you barely know. My dreams are full of manifestations of "the real me", and it's always highly symbolic and surreal. Slowly, I'm starting to realise 'who I am'. I think when I've come into myself more, I'll have more character, and perhaps, more hope, too.


If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide, reach out to someone. You can do so confidentially and in private by calling 1 800 SUICIDE from your phone, or chat online here. These services will also be able to direct you to local help if desired.

The ACoN Society is inclusive and supportive of all faiths and beliefs. If you have a different spiritual or cultural perspective that would be helpful to others, please share it!

25 comments:

  1. QG, I'm sorry that my post resonated with you. I wish for you that you would never know what it feels like to have suicidal ideation. I wish that none of us had to feel such horrific pits of despair.
    Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you. You are a strong woman. You are sweet and kind and thoughtful. I believe that you can DO this and move past it. Please let us continue to support you. Please continue to take care of yourself. And stick with that therapist, telling him all of those feelings you've had.
    I'm no stronger than you. I'm holding on by the skin of my teeth some days too. And if I can do it, I know you can too. Look at how far you've already come.

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    1. Thanks Jessie! "By the skin of my teeth" is a great phrase! Hey, if the winning goal was scored 'by the skin of her teeth', it still counts as a win, right?! :-) I like this.

      Thank you for the encouragement. It is so valuable and so appreciated. :-) I like that we (all of us) can help each other along. It's good to not be alone in such an enormous challenge! (Yes, I'll be clinging to my shrink for dear life! Best money I've ever spent! EVER!). ;-)

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  2. My NF used to say, "You're killing your mother." She's ninety! No wonder the old bugger thinks I'm a loser!

    I think I always sensed my NF didn't really love me but when I realized my NM was a full-partner in the dysfunction I was truly heartbroken. At times, that part still hurts like hell.

    Try to remember that their inability to love unconditionally started long before you were born. You didn't break it and it's not your responsibility to fix it.

    When you make it through to the other side, the life you have without them will make it all worthwhile!

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    1. I'm STILL laughing at the "No wonder the old bugger thinks I'm a loser"!!!! Ha ha ha ha ha! Brilliant, Mulderfan!!! Yes, I too apparently really suck at heart-breaking, despite an (apparent) lifetime of deliberate effort.

      Give me a break. ;-)

      What you've said here about "their inability to love unconditionally started long before" and that "you didn't break it and it's not your responsibility to fix it" are the wisest words I've read in the Blogosphere (you end up competing with yourself in this department - you've had a few doozies!). ;-)

      THANK YOU for freeing me from that guilt! It was there, too! I didn't know it until I read your comment, and you've simultaneously exposed it and killed it! Thank you, guilt-exterminator Mulderfan! :-D

      I didn't break it, and it's not my responsibility to fix it!

      Neither is it in my abilities, either. So they can't claim that I should lend a hand, either. ;-) (Covering all bases!).

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    2. Oops, I should clarify - neither is it in my abilities to FIX IT, so I shouldn't be roped into helping them, either.

      This kind of personal growth can only come from within, right? So I suppose the only help I could offer is the recommendation to seek therapy and to seek God. I've done both, I think (parents are staunch athiests). So I've done my bit already. ;-) Off the hook!

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    3. If you're like me, you can't break your mum's heart because she doesn't have one!

      I have to credit A Woman's Way Through the Twelve Steps with some of that wisdom! She talks about not taking responsibility for things that we weren't responsible for in the 1st place. She also says if your family is a train wreck waiting to happen, you lying down on the tracks won't stop it.

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    4. Oh, that's good! The train wreck analogy is awesome! Thanks! :-D

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  3. Hi Quercus,
    I can relate to the feelings you describe. I think its part of the grieving process with the realization that your N parent is incapable of loving, it was for me anyway. It helps me to remember that it’s not just I (the ACON) he or she cannot love; it’s anyone and everyone else and especially themselves.

    I went through something similar, and as you have stated, it’s not about ending your life, necessarily, it’s about ending the pain.

    I actually had my most serious bout with suicidal ideation when I was just a small child (5 years old or so). I only vaguely remember it, actually. What I DO remember from that time was not a wish to die, per se, but a wish for all this pain to stop. At that age, I don’t remember exactly what pain I wanted to escape from; I only remember feeling it…intensely. I don’t know where I got the idea from, or how I knew HOW to even do it, but I do remember my family hiding the knives from me out of fear I would hurt myself. I remember telling my grandmother that I wanted to die, but it’s pretty vague after that.
    Somehow I got over that bout, I’m not sure how, why or when it happened. I think my child’s mind and my will to survive somehow learned to cope with the pain I was experiencing. I’m not even sure whether it was of my N-mother, who shifted unexpectedly between ignoring and engulfing or if there was some other trauma that happened. I would not be surprised if someone abused me (physically or sexually) and I don’t remember.
    I certainly wasn’t a happy child after that, either, I was very depressed most of my childhood. However, I don’t think I had serious issues with suicidal ideation again until my first marriage started going badly and the ending of that marriage of 14 years. I can relate to your description of “suicidal tsunamis” as a reaction to the shifting and settling of the subconscious turmoil going on beneath the surface. That is how I felt ending that marriage and in this past year, having to “re-accept” my NM’s lack of interest, love and respect for me, and the trauma both my parents put me through on that ill-fated vacation. I remember my childhood, and all I’ve survived so far, and hang on for dear life when those waves come.

    Take care of yourself, dear fellow ACON, and know that you’re not alone.

    Hugs,

    A.S.

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    1. Wow, I remember begging my F to shoot me dead when I was 4. Creepy.

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    2. Oh man, A.S. - I am so sorry for all the pain you've gone through! As a child, being suicidal like that?! I didn't even know that was possible! What a travesty that a small kid like you had to feel that depth of despair! Oh it just makes me angry! The only silver lining I can see is that this would have reflected VERY POORLY on your parents, and hopefully they smartened up, at least temporarily, to give you some peace! My faith comforts me in this situation - I am SO GRATEFUL that God sees this. It's not going to be forgotten - that pain will be rectified and people will have to stand to account for what monstrosities they subjected an innocent five year-old to! Oh my goodness, this makes me sick with anger! :-(
      And the end of your marriage - I haven't been through that, mercifully, but I can just imagine the sort of emotional toll it would take on you. Psychologically, that would be so difficult (and that's probably a huge understatement to say 'difficult'!).. wow, you are a STRONG WOMAN to have survived all this (and then some!), A.S.!
      Yeah, I WILL hang on! For you, and for Jessie! I know that sounds weird, but I'd like to honour you and your struggles by never giving into mine! I want to be strong like both of you! <3
      Man, at the end of our lives, as old, old ladies (God willing!), we're going to have such a story to tell! Here's to one day being referred to with amazement as "tough old broads!" :-D I wouldn't mind setting that positive example for someone else. ;-) People need people to look up to. And none of us seem to have parents for that purpose, eh?
      Hugs right back! QG xoxo

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    3. I think I remember reading that on your blog, Pronoia. :-(

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    4. I have Tough Broads group on FB!

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    5. If I didn't avoid FB like the plague, I'd totally join that! :-) Love it!

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    6. Wow, Pronoia!(((Hugs)))

      I love it, mulderfan!

      Quercus,

      Thanks, it’s been quite a ride of a life, so far. That’s how I look at it, anyway. I don’t feel strong, most of the time, but I know that I am. You are too, but it might not feel that way, especially during the “tsunami’s”.

      I literally thought I was going to die, when I started the process of separating from the ex-husband. I cried until my eyelids were literally swollen shut. I remember looking in the mirror and seeing this and thinking that I looked like I had two black eyes. Little by little, I was able to get through these times and accept that my marriage was over, that the ex-husband was never going to change (he was an addict and a cheater), so matter how many times he promised that he would. He was still promising me that when I divorced him. Blessedly, we live in a state where we can “do it yourself” if all parties can agree to terms, so that part was the “easy” part. He didn’t fight me, and all I wanted was out. But, it wasn't easy to process the grief I felt.

      What’s weird to me about my childhood suicidal ideation was that it never seemed to occur to my family to find out why. I’ve pondered this a lot, lately, even before your post. I mean, I know why they didn’t, it would reflect badly on them, like you said, and also their lack of empathy. The only immediate reaction they had to it was to hide the implements I guess I mentioned using. The long-term reaction has been to cast me the unstable, overly emotional, scapegoat role. One of the reasons I know so much about this time in my life, is they never let me forget it.

      LOL, yeah, I’m looking forward to being the “tough old broad” down the road! I hope that by sharing my experiences with others that it can help someone in some way. I think we are all stronger than we think we are, it’s just really hard to feel that way when we are wading through all our FOO stuff and anything else life throws at us. I’m glad you are sharing your story and your struggles with us. I thought I was defective and wrong for so long, it’s been so validating to read others’ similar stories and feelings.

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    7. It does feel good to know you're not crazy, doesn't it?! Yep, according to our collective FOO, we're collectively crazy, over-sensitive (or 'hyper-sensitive'), unstable, deranged, screwed up, 'mentally ill' (I HATE that one!), neurotic, mean, cold (HATE that one, too - Pronoia and VR mentioned it on Pronoia's post "When I was 3 or 4"), abusive (HATE it!), cruel (us?! PROJECTION!), and 'the black sheep'.

      I'll take that last one as the biggest compliment they could EVER pay me! ;-)

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    8. I've heard most of those, especially the ones like neurotic, over-sensitive and unstable. I had a flash back of sorts tonight of my NM telling me "You'd better toughen up, or you'll never make it in life." This was in my childhood as a response to the bullying I experienced at school. She basically taught me to expect that people are mean and I'd just better learn to deal with it.

      I've not been called the "black sheep" to my face (or heard through the grapevine, even), but my NM just "liked" an article recently on FB called something like "How children become the black sheep". I see she has now removed this, but thought it was interesting.

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    9. Why I hate FB - my NM also uses it as a passive-aggressive tool to publicly shame me into submission. She does weird stuff on purpose for my benefit, too, I'm sure.

      I mentioned before that I had an ex-friend that does some NPD-type things. She uses FB to stalk her ex's and post things designed to elicit a negative response (well, any response - PAY ATTENTION TO ME!). It always occurred to me to be a phenomenal waste of time! Why would they want to read things from someone who is clearly trying to get their goat?! She didn't seem to see my point....

      Anyway, I've since seen my mother use the very same tactics, and I can only assume they're occasionally directed at me (like you, I can guess from the subject matter).

      So I hardly log in anymore, and I'm seriously considering dropping my account altogether! It was so much better when it was just other university students anyway - now it's baby photos, guilt trips and ads, ads, ADS! >:-p

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    10. My FB account is a reflection of my new life. I viciously block the negative assholes and happily follow the folks I love. We just enjoy sharing each others' lives.

      In light of Anonymous Student (who still hasn't given up) some might find it a bit odd that about half my FB friends are former students. One is bringing her partner over to meet me this Saturday, 16 years after I was her teacher!

      Block your NM and go back to enjoying FB. Never let them control your life/choices in any way!

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  4. My counselor was very surprised to realize that my suicidal ideation was not about stopping pain. I was accustomed to pain. I had been taught that raise up a child in away they should go and when they are old they will not depart from it. I decided death first. I would not do the things done to me as a child. Stopping pain, stopping cycles of abuse, stopping hopelessness I finally learned that there are other choices. I checked on line and many countries in the world have some form of suicide prevention group. Hard to reach out for help when feeling so low but it is worth it. I am thankful that I did not carry out my plans. Hard at the time but I couldn't let my abuser win by taking my own life.

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    1. Thanks for sharing, Ruth - it's good to remember that 'giving in' to death lets the abuser win, and it only lets you lose (utterly, and completely). I think they want you to lose, you know? They want you to fail, and fail ultimately.
      We can't let that happen. Thanks for the reminder of the suicide prevention groups. Based on the hits on my blog, here are some links:
      UK - http://www.samaritans.org/
      US/CANADA - 1 800 SUICIDE (CAN: http://www.suicideprevention.ca/in-crisis-now/find-a-crisis-centre-now/ USA: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ )
      Australia - http://suicidepreventionaust.org/
      Germany - http://www.telefonseelsorge.de/#
      Russia - http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international/russian-federation-suicide-hotlines.html
      India - http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international/india-suicide-hotlines.html
      FIND YOUR COUNTRY: http://www.befrienders.org/

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  5. You're so right in saying that "suicide is almost never about dying - it's about ending the pain." I think also being put in double binds can put a dangerous strain in someone's mind. Excellent post. A lot of really helpful points to think about. I have been thinking a lot about hope (or the lack of it) over the last year and I coming to the conclusion that hope might be the antidote to depression, because when I have not seen a way out of my situation it's when I have felt most depressed.

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    1. Hope IS the antidote! What a beautiful way to say it, Kara! So no wonder hope is in short supply in the suicidal!

      I tried to find out where "hope" comes from, psychologically speaking, and there's not many answers out there! Here's what I found:

      Five useful tips on harvesting hope are:

      1. Don’t underestimate the power of hope – make it your aim to be more hopeful even if this seems impossible.

      2. Look for stories of recovery that inspire you – read and listen to accounts of people who have overcome the worst.

      3. Seek out relationships that cultivate hope in you – spend time with those who encourage and bring out the best in you.

      4. Think about how you have overcome obstacles in the past – what are the steps you took to manage a previous situation? How can you apply this to your current situation?

      5. Imagine a future in which you will be doing things that give you pleasure – in a year what you like to be doing that you can’t now? In five years?

      from: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-doesnt-kill-us/201206/harvesting-hope

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    2. Thanks for the tips and the link, I'm saving the article to my file of useful essays :)

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  6. Only had a real death-wish while I had PPD after my first.

    But was obsessed with death throughout my teens. Saw it as a friend, ally, lover, someone I could count on to give me courage to continue living. Sounds bizarre now, made sense then.

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    1. Hey Pronoia,
      PPD = post-partum depression, right? Oh my goodness - what was that like? It's something I fear...! Did it linger long? Was it brought on from a lack of sleep and hormones, or did it feel like those factors just triggered the release of pre-existing pain? (I hope I'm not being indelicate in asking! It really frightens me!).
      I see a lot of kids who self-identify as "goth" and who appear to worship death. I never really thought of it as a positive coping mechanism, so much as self-expression of the dark pain within. I think it's artistic - a real embodiment of the state of one's soul. I suppose I always wondered if 'going goth' was a cry for help? Do you know/suspect? Or did you feel as you did 'in secret', without it ever showing on the outside?
      Thanks for sharing about your PPD. You've overcome so much! It's truly inspiring (see "#2" on the "Tips for Hope" in the comment above!). ;-)

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