On Upside-down Charity

by Quercus

There's a lot of buzz in the ACoN community tonight, if you haven't already stumbled across it.

Upsi posted a nasty 'hate' letter she received on her blog: "You Don't Have to Dance for Them - Well, Allow Me to Retort".

I guess I lost the "$20" I bet when I said it was probably written by her NM. I wasn't the only person who thought so, either (see the comment thread here). It was so personal, so cruel and so angry towards Upsi. I reasoned that no one would be so angry at Upsi unless they were a disordered member of her FOO. Upsi's a real sweetheart, very kind and open-minded (to the point where she'll even give Trolls a voice! I won't!). It's next to impossible to imagine anyone, besides her crazy FOO, having an issue with her.

If you read through all the comments, you will have noticed that Charity, of the blog "Healing from Broken", commented supportively and in Upsi's favour about half way down the thread.

She also commented right towards the end, but under a new name - Broken Blogger, formerly misnamed Charity. In this comment, she admits to writing the anonymous comment that attacked Upsi so openly.

I don't/didn't know Charity, but it seems to me that her envy of Upsi and Upsi's blog drove her to the offensive. In the original anonymous attack, she wrote:

She apparently cannot allow herself to grow up out of that awkward unbecoming stage, because if she does, she will lose all of this AcoN blog victim glory.

Glory? Hmm. Seems an odd word choice. I don't think I'd see any ACoN's blog as a gleeful basking in the limelight. ACoN blogs are stories of terribly painful personal journeys - they are probably the sort of blogs that no one in their right mind would sit down to 'enjoy'. We ACoNs read the blogs of others to help us make sense of our twisted worlds. 'Glory' is just not the right term.

This comment sounded awfully jealous as well:

because so many of the AcoN bloggers I respect were singing upsi's praises in their comments on her recent posts.

There are much more upsetting things said about Upsi, but I don't want to post them here. They shouldn't have been said at all in the first place.

The majority of the letter spoke of the author's own experiences, comparing them to Upsi's to show that she had suffered more (again, competition and envy).

I also read Charity's post in which she comes clean. You can read it here, assuming the blog stays up. I get the feeling that it will. After reading her post, I have to say that I agree with her in that she is "a dangerous person".

What she said to Upsi was inexcusable. It was mercilessly cruel. It was very malignantly narcissistic. Charity was correct to apologise and excuse herself from the ACoN online community, I'll give her that.

One of the things I struggle with is accepting her apology as legitimate. Is she truly remorseful? I hope so. But we as ACoNs know that someone who can be so hateful and who can apologise so readily and easily is someone to be suspicious of. I don't want to judge her, so I'll leave it at that. There is a nagging part of me that wonders if all she really wanted was attention. And if this stunt - cruel letter, public confession and all - is simply an attention-getting scheme. Perhaps even 'narcissistic supply'. I don't know. But it could be.

I think there's a silver lining to the cruel attack on Upsi, if it's not to soon to point it out. This whole fiasco sheds light into unseen dark corners of the ACoN community. So much pain, so much anger - and throw in legitimate mental disorders like schizophrenia and bipolar or general psychotic tendencies. . . I don't know. It's hard to be overly sympathetic, but clearly Charity is in a really bad place. She says she has a husband, and an observant one by the sound of it, which settles my mind. She's not alone or isolated, and if her remorse is genuine, she's aware that she's in some mental distress.

Let's discuss these 'dark corners' of the ACoN community that we fear to tread (and for good reason). Virtually all of us are aware of our 'dark sides', and most of us have this aspect of our psyche under control for the most part. Some of us have either darker dark corners, or more of them, or they have more of a pull on us. Some of us walk in the light and can actively resist the darkness. But the shadows remain, and in them the latent narcissism lurks. So does vindictiveness. Envy. Spite. Maliciousness. In the darkness, there is evil.

It's worth remembering that even my NM qualifies as an "ACoN". Not all "ACoNs" resist the pull to the dark side (malignant narcissism). Perhaps some are pulled more strongly, others have little traction with which to resist, and I think the few of the ACoNs who qualify as sociopathic don't feel the need to resist the pull. (From a Christian viewpoint, we all have 'sin' in us. All people can be ruled by sin, not just ACoNs. It is right to fight against the darkness).

I also suppose it's entirely possible that an ACoN can join the online community and start out with good intentions, only to slip into the darkness. (Star Wars always comes to mind when I think about these things - look what became of cute little Anakin SkyWalker; he grew into the evil Darth Vader).

Think of the struggle you are going through currently (and if it's been going on for awhile, reflect on the early days). I wrote a metaphorical post about what that process feels like to me (read it here). In order to break free, you have to endure even more pain. Maybe some of us legitimately break under that additional pressure, I don't know. I still believe it is worth the fight, though. Your psyche/soul is always worth fighting for!

I hope it's not a permanent change for Charity, but I do applaud her decision to remove herself from our 'community'. I don't like to think she's isolating herself (she very clearly needs serious professional help, pronto!), but I do think that leaving is a good idea. Trust is broken, and someone was hurt.

In fact, I'd even say I was hurt - I know the message was for Upsi, but I felt like the same could have been said to me. Hateful comments like Charity's hurt all ACoNs alike. As if we need any more doubt in our minds that our parents were cruel to us! Charity gaslit all of us with her hateful message. I really do want to have sympathy for her, but I also fear becoming prey as 'narcissistic supply'. She is a danger, as sad as that is.

Do we shun a fellow ACoN from our community? Her decision to step away was the right one, and it saved us having to make a difficult decision. In Charity's own words:

Now that I know I am not sane enough to be safe in a community of wounded people, I will stop posting on this blog, and I will also stop commenting on other ACoN blogs. I am not a fake, I am truly an Adult Child of two viciously malignant narcissists. But I now have to face the horrible reality that I have some really bad Narcissistic Fleas of my own that I did not consciously know I had, until now.

Who am I? What am I? Where do I fit, in a mostly black-and-white world of Us against Them, Compassion versus Narcissism? Right now, I don't seem to fit in anywhere. I am a stranger to myself. I have too many faults of my own, to judge anyone. I no longer trust my own mind. I no longer trust my own judgment.

We must support each other. We must not tear each other down. We must be tolerant, compassionate, kind - all the things our NParents were not. We must take care of our own selves, though, and exercise good and healthy boundaries. Self-care comes first, always. It's not selfish to do so. It's only selfish to not help someone when you have care to spare.

Charity made a grievous error in assuming that the written words of Upsi's parents represented their true nature. I could post a message from my NM on here that would make me sound like a spoiled brat, too. But only I know the context in which to judge the message. Be careful not to judge, dear ACoNs. You may judge incorrectly. And who knows - maybe that's all the 'evil one' needs to pull you to the dark side forever.

Maybe it was just such a thought that turned our ACoN parents into full-blown malignant narcissists.

I have some hope for Charity - she was able to admit to her guilt and apologise for it. I don't believe she's completely free of the danger, however. The dark side will keep pulling, as it does in all of us.

Let this horrible day stand in our memories. The darkness is ever-present; we must continually resist it.