If You're Happy and You Know It, Punish Yourself

by Quercus


Last week's trip to the psychologist met with an interesting revelation. I was recounting my waves of despair, the debilitating 'break-downs' I occasionally have to endure. They seem to come out of nowhere for the most part, and I can't do much to stop them.

I've forgotten much of what he said (of course! Mind like a sieve!), but I wanted to know where these mental tsunamis were coming from.

He said the following:

"You cannot allow yourself to be happy. You have much to be happy for, but you cannot permit yourself to see it as such. When you do feel happy, you quickly punish yourself. You cause your own misery. It isn't a conscious decision to do so, but you have learned that when you are happy, your mother will hurt you. Because this happened chronically throughout your childhood, you had to adapt - so you punish yourself, you make yourself miserable, and you avoid having your mother hurting you. It was more tolerable for you to be hurt by yourself than it was to deal with your mother intentionally hurting you."

So I said, "Aha! This makes sense! So . . . all I have to do is allow myself to feel happy!" ("Yes."). "So if I focus on all the positives in my life, spend the rest of the day counting my blessings, it'll be good for me, won't it? I'll just let myself be happy!"

And he said,

"Oh no. No, you can't feel happy! If you do, you're going to drown yourself in another tidal wave of despair!"

It turns out that whenever I feel happy, part of me kicks in to induce misery. It's an automated response. So I said, "Really? Now that I know where they're coming from, can't I simply prevent those thoughts?"

He said,

"But you can't. You don't have control over that part of your mind. It's unconscious, it's practically independent of your thoughts."

So I said, "Well, what can we do, then? If I can't do anything about it, isn't it hopeless then? If I can't challenge that part of my mind, then will I be forced to endure it forever?!"

It was a long conversation after that, but the nuts and bolts of it were:

• Therapy allows me to become aware of the unconscious part of my mind. My psychologist holds up a metaphorical mirror to get me to see parts of me I don't have access to. A different analogy would be that he points out the keyholes, and I peek through to catch glimpses of my unconscious mind from behind locked doors.
• When I become aware of it, slowly it will move towards the conscious part of my mind (this takes time, and isn't something I logically understand, but it is something I can feel, in a manner of speaking). To carry on with the keyhole analogy, I eventually craft the appropriate keys and open the doors.
• Once it crosses over into the conscious realm of my mind, I'm then able to challenge it, battle it, slay it, that sort of thing. Once I can open the doors, I can move about in the space behind the doors (it becomes accessible - I can interact with the space). Now I can start straightening things out, rearranging objects, changing the space to suit me.

I guess this is why therapy is such a 'process'. It's not easy, either emotionally or practically speaking. But it's worth it.

Healing Daughter commenting on a previous post spurred me to write today. It was her comment that said:

"I will say it takes years to correct your mother's voice, and even now, 13 months later I can still hear my mother's voice sometimes clear as day, but the difference is slapping those critical remarks down."

It does take time to quash the negativity. And the weirdest thing is, though we hear our abusive parent's voice, it's really our own minds telling us these things, over and over again. We have been conditioned to do so. We are doing the dirty-work of the narcissistic parents for them.

In my case, it appears to be going on behind locked doors in my mind. I have to break-in and and stop the despair-wave-generating machines. It just takes a little while to find the keyholes in the dark (or am I blind?), with the help of my psychologist leading me to them. Then we have to work together to jimmy the locks or carve a key to fit. In the meanwhile, I have to ride out the storms that my unconscious mind generates.

Ironically, it appears that my unconscious mind prefers injuring me to allowing my mother to injure me. I've been a self-punishing child for years. This is the insidious legacy that the abusive, narcissistic parent leaves us. A legacy of self-hatred, self-flagellation to keep us where they want us: beaten down, never to rise higher or level to themselves. The Narcissist has to be the 'top dog', the 'alpha male or female', the creme de la creme. They gave birth to us to be small versions of them. They did not bargain for us growing up to become more than what they are, or even equal to themselves in stature. That's where all the trouble lies - if only we could remain small, helpless, dependent and attached. Then we might have been loved, albeit conditionally. It was an impossible role for us to fill.

An admission - I didn't want to grow up. Not only did being a grown-up look miserable to me, I also knew that the more I grew and learned and developed, the less I was loved.

Do you know what my NM said to this? That I must have enjoyed my childhood SO MUCH that I didn't want to grow up.

The truth was I hated my childhood, and feared my life was only about to get worse. And I was right.

There is good news, though. It seems that, once I distance myself from her, I can break-in to parts of my own mind, with the help of a good and competent shrink, and reprogram the brainwashed parts. Now, for the first time in my life, I can legitimately look forward to a brighter future.

I would like to encourage all readers to seek good and appropriate therapy. It's never too late for therapy, and it may help you more than you could ever realise. Remember to shop around for the right fit! Just as the wrong sized shoe isn't helpful, a poor match for you in the therapist department is going to be a wasted investment and a source of discomfort.

Anatomy of the Written Narc Guilt-Trip

or,

 

"How To Spot an Emotional Forgery"

by Quercus


The thing about Narcissists is, bless them, they always assume they're smarter than you or I. They think that their words are magical, their sentiments infalliable, their 'truths' irrefutable, and that no one else reading their letter, email or text, will side with you, 'the guilty party'.

Narcissistic Parents know how to manipulate you so deftly, that they make the mistake that the grown adult mind, no matter how disadvantaged by their 'parenting', will continue to swallow their tripe willingly. Many estranged parents (who congregate the shady recesses of internet forums dedicated to their own absolution and subsequent deification), firmly believe they still have the ability to make you grovel at their feet, given the appropriate 'motivation' to do so (blackmail, guilt-trip, unvarnished threats).

Undoubtedly, you've been on the receiving end of such communiques yourself. But if you haven't, there are some shining examples of particularly stunning delusional-estranged-NPD-parent letters out there - Upsi's blog contains the most haunting one of all in my opinion (I'll warn you - it wasn't addressed to me, but it still gives me nightmares), as well as the self-congratulatory and venomous rants by various spiteful readers of her blog (this post on weird search strings by estranged parents is a good one, too!).

A fellow blogger who posts privately (Pandora Viltis) dug up this fetid piece of "literature" from The Guardian's Letters section - the quotations are deliberate; you'll see why if you read the frightening missive).

So I decided that I'd like to 'map out' how one of these little nuggets coming from "a loving parent" (cough cough) generally presents itself.

1. Location, location, location!

If you'd like to be sure of the veracity of the incendiary-device in the form of a 'harmless letter', consider first its method of delivery. These hate-bombs are almost always sent right over your established, protective personal boundaries, like grenades lobbed into a trench. They will almost certainly contain an opening line constructed in this manner:

"I am aware that you have erected a boundary. However, I am actively and deliberately subverting it/ignoring it/refusing to acknowledge your right to erect one."

Sometimes these letters are slipped under the door or through the mail slot (that's a double-whammy; you've asked them to leave you alone, and not only do they communicate with you against your clear instructions, they also violate your physical boundaries, too). Sometimes they arrive at your workplace, either in person to talk, or just to drop off a letter so you'll find it awaiting you on your desk. Again, the secondary message is, "You can't shut me out - my placement of the letter here proves my capabilities. You're in over your head - surrender!"

If you've gone to the extremes of "No Contact" like the poor, estranged daughter in The Guardian's anonymous letter (of having a child in secret, of refusing to open the front door for 3 hours - one can't help but wonder if the newspaper-printed letter came after a restraining (barring) order, and was the NM's last ditch effort to legally communicate and threaten her daughter - it was anonymous after all!), then sure, newspapers, blogs, sky-writing are all on the table. As the creepy stalker mother wrote as a last line ("I will see you!"), they may never take 'no' for an answer. You WILL hear their voice!

Worried? Don't be. This is why restraining orders ('barring orders' in the UK) exist. It's a pain in the butt, it costs time (and money, and a lawyer in some cases) and involves documentation and paperwork, but they exist for good reason. Life is short, money comes and goes - I can't think of a better investment myself. What is the price of peace after all? Not cheap, but worth every penny!

When in doubt, call the Police. Every time the Police are involved, there is documentation and an incident report. You will need all the documentation you can find to get a restraining order. Keep all emails, letters, and ask your neighbours if they will be willing to sign the back of any hand-delivered letters and date them if they saw the offending party on your premises - you now have a documented witness, and this will help. It sucks, I hear you, but it's better than not sleeping at night, thinking your NParent's going to jimmy your front door and steal your child, or kill you in your sleep, or simply just walk right into your kitchen and make themselves a cup of tea.

2. "I've Suffered Terribly - I'm the Victim, not You."

This is my favourite bit, because I've yet to see a communication from an 'estranged parent' that does not leap to this tactic at some point in the letter or email. They'll expound on their pain that you've caused seemingly endlessly, often with examples, i.e. "I had to go to the Mother-Daughter career day alone!", or "Mrs Smith asked about you, and I burst into tears and had to say that you had cut me out of your life!", or "I am being denied the joys of being a grandmother to MY grandchild" (note that it's always MY grandchild, not 'a grandchild', or 'what should be my grandchild', but what already is, in their mind, rightly their PROPERTY. Like you are!). And often they'll throw in one of the following little "extras" to make you feel sorry for them:

• "My parent died when I was young!" (with the secondary implication that you clearly can have no idea of real grief on the subject of parents compared to them, or that you'd appreciate your parent if you weren't so stupid because they won't be with you forever, and you'll be sorry on that day!).
• "Your father/mother/other parent abused me terribly - I sacrificed everything for your good!" (this is an especially evil one, because it demonizes your other parent (perhaps unfairly), and it also implies that it was your fault that they suffered! This is not the case - no loving parent would see this scenario in that particular light. A beaten mother who loved her child would never burden the child with the knowledge that she suffered for the good of her children; she'd be overwhelmed with relief that she was able to do something positive, to take them to safety, and would probably blame herself (perhaps unfairly) for allowing her children to be put in harm's way in the first place. She wouldn't be throwing her victimhood in the face of what she viewed as a great blessing, her precious child that she wished she had done better for!).
• "You have no idea what it was like growing up in MY generation!" (this is the lamest one of all! The human race has existed for how many millenia? No, I'm sorry - it's never been okay to abuse your children. There have always been 'natural consequences' for poor behaviour, and just because your parent doesn't wish to experience 'natural consequences' doesn't make their behaviour correct in any paradigm! Besides, you too grew up in the 'same culture' as your parents, and your friend's parents, and you had teachers who were in 'your parent's generation', as well as neighbours and other members of the community. Since we are not Neanderthals, we have also been blessed with a long enough lifespan to have three or four generations of family alive during our childhood. Don't buy the 'my generation was different' malarky. You would have a very good sense of what was acceptable and what was not in the society you matured in. You know well enough what it was like, culturally, for your parent as well as yourself. Don't let them deceive you. You were there, too).

3. "You were Happy, We were Close, We Used to Have it All."

This little ploy is one of the easier ones to see through. Here are some general examples of how this typically is presented:

"When you were a child, you used to love me."

"We were so close - we were intimately connected, we shared everything until you just up and left!"

"You happily did _____. You used to like _______. You once told me that you _______."

This is gaslighting, and once you've learned to see it, it becomes difficult not to. How do you avoid gaslighting (apart from NOT COMMUNICATING WITH THE PERPETRATOR)? Easy - just turn every 'statement' they make into a question.

Picture your own imaginary psychotherapist (or envision your current therapist, if you're currently in therapy, which is ideal and recommended!). Ask yourself the statements as questions:

"Hmm. When you were a child, did you love your mother?". Ask any obvious follow-up questions, and answer truthfully to the unseen psychotherapist in your mind. Did you? No? Not really? Sometimes? Why? Why not? Can you think of an example to illustrate this? How about another?

"Were you 'closer than close' with your NParent? Did they really know the real you? Did you share everything with them, and did you know that you could tell them anything with impunity? Did they accept you as you were?" Ask follow-ups, as before!

"Were you happy to talk to her on the phone last year? Were you really looking forward to Sunday dinners at her place? Were you so excited to tell her about something, or did she force it out of you? Were you sharing willingly, or did you feel obligated to hand over the information she pressed you for? How did you feel when you got off the phone?" And keep asking questions, follow-up.

And that's how to avoid gaslighting. If they aren't twisting the facts, or projecting onto you what they WANT you to think, then your answers to the statement-turned-questions should fit fairly well together. What if they don't? What if you didn't ever feel loved by your mother? What if there were occasions when you really hated your mother? What if you've never felt 'close' to your mother at all, and that you've never been able to share anything, and she never listened to a word you said, and she completely wrote you off that time you were dumped by your boyfriend and were devastated and desperately needed just the tiniest show of real affection? What if she was closer-than-close to one of your siblings, but NEVER to you? And what if just seeing her caller-ID on the phone's display caused your stomach to turn and your anxiety to rise and your blood to pound in your ears? And what if you used to intentionally book another appointment or event on Sundays just to avoid having to attend her dinners?

Chances are that your NParent is 'spin-doctoring' and rewriting history to support an assertion that they suspect isn't true. They need you to believe that you used to love them, and love being with them, and that you once were able to trust your NParent implicitly. They know it's not true, so they're trying to change history, because it's easier for them if these statements were true.

4. How Your Estrangement Has Affected Them (with No Interest in How YOU are Affected!)

I also like this one, though it's harder to see. This is a "Read-Between-the-Lines" component; it is blatantly a self-serving moan and groan about how they are being mistreated by you, and how their life is worse because of what you're doing. Blah, blah, blah, "POOR ME!".

The kicker is what they are NOT saying - it's an omission of you and your feelings.

An excerpt from "Narcissistic Mother" (Therapist Michelle Piper), with my emphases:

Narcissistic mothers are incapable parents. It may be hard to do, but you need to accept the fact you never had a healthy mother. Emotionally healthy mothers put their children’s needs and care before their own. They show empathy and give proper praise to their children for the good deeds they do.
Functional mothers care. Narcissistic mothers care too, but only about themselves.

A truly loving parent would sincerely be seeking to understand what's happening for you, and how they can assist you. I imagine something along the lines of, "I will not contact you, as per your wishes. If ever you wish to reconnect, here is how you can reach me. I will be delighted to hear from you any time. I wonder what I have done to have driven you away. I worry that I have done wrong - that I should have been more supportive and emotionally available to you during the divorce. I think about that fight we had - it was silly, I was wrong. I hope one day you will forgive me. Contact me any time you wish - I will always love you regardless. Be careful on your journey through life, take good care of yourself, and I sincerely hope you find what you're looking for. Be safe. Love, (Parent)."

Now obviously that's an idealized pipe-dream of mine, but you get the gist. "I wish I had been kinder to you.", or "I regret blowing up at you that time at Aunt Sal's." or, "I hope this 'break' from seeing me will help you to get the healing you need. I know it must've been a hard decision for you to make, and I respect your right to do so. Take good care of yourself - you are a wonderful person and you deserve to be happy."

Note that nothing like this is said, anywhere, in the letter. Why not? It was no skin off my teeth to just type it up now, a total work of fiction! Couldn't they just say it, even if they don't really mean it? Well thankfully no, you wouldn't want to be lied to, but the reason it's a "NO" is because it would never occur to them to do such a thing! You deserve nothing! You don't get sympathy! Your complaints are baseless! Which leads me to number five....

5. "Tell Me What I Did Wrong So I Can Fix It!"

As if! As if you, at this point in your life, haven't shouted the answers to this question at them until you were hoarse, tear-streaked and verging on the suicidal. They didn't listen to you, EVER, and they sure as hell won't listen to you now! You can try to tell them, but believe me, you'll soon wish you hadn't!

"Tell me what I did wrong so I can fix it" = "Give me the facts of your case, and I'll blow holes right through them all!"

They don't want to know what they can do to 'fix' anything! They've never been interested in helping you, and now your boundaries have got them stark raving mad at you! Do you really think today is the day they'll be reasonable? Logic says otherwise, doesn't it?

Think of this line as an invitation to stand trial in a courtroom. The prosecutor looking to put you away for good, has in a very friendly voice asked you to tell them (and the court) what reasoning you have behind your actions.

Do you think the prosecutor is going to accept your claims? Or are they going to try their damnedest to destroy your case and leave you a crying wreck on the witness stand? Don't fall for this - DO NOT JADE (Justify-Argue-Defend-Explain). You're going up against the most manipulative person you can think of, and one you have an emotional attachment to. It's not worth it. Don't respond. There is NO SINCERE EFFORT HERE TO UNDERSTAND YOUR SITUATION. If there was, they will have already speculated on your point of view, and will, in all likelihood, have apologised just in case they had done wrong. Which is point number six....

6. There isn't a GENUINE Apology Anywhere in the Letter.

For more on sussing out what a 'real apology' is versus a 'meaningless apology' or 'non-apology', I will refer you to these excellent articles and posts (be sure to read them!):

Luke 17:3 Ministries - Meaningful versus Meaningless Apologies 
Anna Valerious ("Narcissists Suck") - Post-Mortem on a Non-Apology
Anna Valerious ("Narcissists Suck") - The Last Incarnation of the Non-Apology
(highly recommend reading all of Anna's articles under the topic of "Non-Apologies")

The worst are the fake apologies, which often have the following structure:

• "I'm sorry if you think/perceived _______."
• "I'm sorry you think I'm such an awful parent."
• "I'm sorry about ______, but (in my defense), _________"
• "I'm sorry that you feel _________".

Note that they haven't owned up to their mistake, they haven't named it, and if they do, then they dismiss it or defend it or turn it around so you were somehow also to blame. BLAME is the key to the fake apology or the semi-apology; it's very nearly an apology, until they shirk the responsibility of their actions on you (or maybe someone else). There's no real contrition here. They aren't taking full responsibility for their actions - they don't think they deserve to.

There are other examples - be sure to familiarize yourself with them! Ironically, the 'dark forces' of the estranged parent movement have gotten a hold of Sister Renee's "Meaningful/Meaningless" apology examples and are using them against estranged children.... the IRONY being that they still can't bring themselves to properly apologise! They simply will not truly apologise - they really don't believe that they should. Even if it means having a relationship with you. An apology, showing guilt, admitting they were wrong - it's too high a price. They would rather stand tall than have you back. But in actuality, they're demanding to have both.

 

 

7. Joint Therapy or Counselling - "I'll Go if You Go".

Sometimes the letter will contain an offer to go to 'family counselling'. I've seen examples of parents asking for this in all sorts of places.

Sister Renee Pitelli says it best (No Contact 101):

If you go to counseling with a psychopath, I guarantee you'll regret it.

It's as if they wouldn't dare to step a foot inside a shrink's office without you in tow (don't forget - they firmly believe that YOU are the problem!). I have to share that I once made this mistake, long ago. It put me off therapy for a decade, no joke. (Please, please read this article on Living Authentically - Finding the Right Psychotherapist for You). I've got a fantastic therapist now. I shopped around. I can't recommend that enough.

But, if they are willing to seek professional counselling, then encourage it, by all means! Here's the thing - they don't need you to be there to tell the person about all the awful things you've done to them. (Same applies to us, right?). The therapist will treat his or her client and help them out. That's the whole point. So if your NParent wants therapy, encourage it. It would be nice for them. It might also make you feel better knowing that they are receiving emotional support in the absence of their usual narcissistic-supply-victim-of-choice (you).

I am willing to bet, however, that they won't go alone. I don't know why, other than I suspect that they know in their hearts that they're full of it, and that a competent therapist will call them on it. I think they fear having to be accountable at all for anything.

Don't mistake the offer of 'family counselling' to mean that they want you to see a shrink, or that they want to see one themselves. This offer of 'family therapy' is simply a way to trap you in a room with an influential person to back up your NParent's claims of wrongdoing. They want control of your psyche, plain and simple. It might back-fire on them completely, given a skilled therapist with a shrewd mind, but if it doesn't, it's going to do infinitely more harm than good. You can get a therapist. They can get a therapist. You can agree to seeing a therapist, if that's what your NParent wants. They just cannot go with you, or have access to your 'file'. It's private, and it's between the client and the therapist. Like I said, if they are interested in counselling, tell them to 'go to it'! (I would be amazed if anyone's NParent actually went alone and stayed in therapy for more than 12 months! If this has happened, please tell me! I'll eat my hat!).

8. "I Will Always Love You!"

This is the hard one. Some ACoNs believe that their NParents sincerely mean this, in that their NParents BELIEVE that they love their child. And maybe they do . . . conditionally. There never was or never will be 'unconditional love' offered, which is what every child needs. They are incapable of providing this natural love. There is something wrong with them. It's worthy of pity - it's like they're emotionally handicapped. An emotional handicap doesn't, however, give them license to lie. Or to act like a total jerk.

I don't believe this is a true statement, coming from an estranged parent. I believe that this is a lie, plain and simple.

As my DH points out, any manipulative teenage boy that wants in his girlfriends pants can say, "I will always love you!" when we all know it's probably not at all true in the slightest. I'll bet over half of them can force tears if it meant getting laid. The point here is to not demonize teenage boys, but to show that even a child (mentally speaking - hasn't hit the age of legal adulthood where black-and-white-thinking is replaced by a more mature ability to reason) can use this loaded phrase to get what they want, to appease their own desires.

I'll bet you've met teenage boys that are better people morally than your NParent, yes? So don't attribute the 'love' of your parent any more meaning than you would to a randy 16 year old boy. They are every bit as capable of deceit, if not more so (with age comes wisdom after all).

Actions speak louder than words. How often has your NParent deceived you in the past under the guise of doing what was in your best interests? How can you be sure they aren't doing it now?

What loving actions can be seen in this letter from your NParent? Did it's arrival bring you joy? Was the letter overflowing with heart-felt apologies, promises to change? Did it seek to understand your point of view? Did it say anything along the lines of, "You must think me a total jerk for never showing up to a single one of your school plays! I'd do anything to prove to you that you mean more to me than anything in the world, and that INCLUDES never speaking to you again if you so desire! I will do as you ask - I love you with the love of a parent for their child!".

Talk is cheap. Hey, I can say to you that, "I'll always love you!", and you can choose to believe it, or you can think critically - do I even know QG? Who is she? Has she ever done anything to prove to me that she cares about me? Has she ever done anything to hurt me? Has she apologised sincerely that time..... etc.

If you can apply reason to my tongue-in-cheek expression of my heart-felt love for you, the reader, why can't you apply it to an abusive parent? In fact, it's probably even MORE vital to apply that critical thinking to the assertions of your parents - if I started treating you like dirt, you wouldn't be at all devastated! But what of the betrayal of a parent who never loved you, who you have been waiting for all these years for them to love you? Stakes are MUCH HIGHER - be very, very careful.

My recommendation - think to yourself, "Yeah? PROVE IT." Does anything in their letter prove that they love you more than themselves? More than words? More than having their own way?



And that, my friends, is the basic structure of a letter from an unrepentant parent trying to suck you back to where they prefer you to be - under their thumb. Upsi's parents famously stated that she was unfairly judging the past versions of them - don't people grow and evolve? If you read that letter, you'll see that perhaps they have a point; they're even worse than they've ever been. They refer to her as "Dear Narcissistic Daughter". The letter is supposedly one of compassion, but it is clearly written to hurt her - to even the score. This is not the actions of a loving set of parents, not even the actions of good parents scorned.

Do not allow yourselves to be deceived. Read this post alongside the arrival of your next hate-letter. Read the letter in The Guardian. Read the letter from Upsi's parents. If you can see the evil in the others, it may help you see in the evil in yours. And the best advice ever - print off a copy of the letter from your NParents and take it to your therapist. Get a professional opinion on it. It will help you see what needs to be seen, not what they'll have you see.

Stop the Voices! What my NM Might Hear in the Silence of NC

by Quercus, co-written by her "DH"

Why does my NM hate "No Contact" or "radio silence" from me? She hates me on many levels, that's quite obvious. I, as the SG, always assumed that she hates "No Contact" because:

1. It reflects badly on her that she can't boast about what her daughter's doing to other people (someone's inevitably going to put two-and-two together, and NM won't be able to claim that she's the 'perfect parent' or that her and her eldest daughter are 'closer than close' if she can't produce new information!), and,
2. How can she "out-do" me at being a woman if she doesn't know what she needs to beat?
3. She thinks I'm secretly pregnant, as if she has a divine right to know what the contents of my uterus are! Think I'm making it up? When she shows up unannounced, she strains to see my stomach and comments on my waistline. And then she sends me reminders of her friend's grandchildren's existence.

But my DH, who is helping me write this post, has another theory: the major reason that my NM can't handle "No Contact" is that in the silence, she's forced to wonder if maybe she's made mistakes.

My NM (his NMIL) is not a sociopath (though she's close enough for our liking!). She actually does have a perfunctory conscience of some description (it's just not as robust as yours or mine), and just enough empathy to be really annoying; we know she knows she's doing wrong but wrestles with her limited conscience to do so anyway!

I was lamenting to my DH about how I'd like to scream certain 'zingers' at my NM and EF, pointing out the hideous logical inconsistencies and ironies of their claims of mistreatment by me, but that it's impossible to get them to really 'hear' my points! "What if I said it this way?" or, "What if all I reply with is, 'What, like your NF used to do to you?!'. She'd be hard-pressed to miss that point, right?!"

DH said this to me, which prompted the composition you're reading today:

"Your point is lost when you get upset because it draws the attention away from your legitimate concern. The argument ceases to be a logical scenario involving reason and becomes an emotional one. Your point is lost because your angry outburst is then happily seen as a defensive mechanism of your guilty conscience . . . or something, it doesn't really matter what your Mum thinks. Your reaction provides a major and tangible distraction from her own introspection - you are to blame if you lose your temper, not her. It prevents her from being left alone with her own conscience, while she's seeing you blow up."

Note that when he says, "Gets upset", he means a shouting match in person, as well as a snide retort in response to an email. So long as my NParents can spot 'anger' in me (which they will read into even the shortest sentence), I'm sunk - they can relax, because in their minds, I'm the one who is being unreasonable. DH has more to say, regarding my NM / his NMIL:

"And even her being left alone with her own conscience doesn't guarantee she's going to actually examine herself completely. But even a tiny shred of a conscience is going to challenge her much more strongly if she's left alone with it and not provided any distraction. It's the same phenomenon as when there are political debates; virtually no one changes their mind on the issue at hand, they just get more and more entrenched in their preexisting opinions. Your Mum isn't going to be forced to think through her involvement in this situation while your 'reaction' is acting as a diversion."

Now obviously I have a major bias when it comes to the wisdom of my DH - I think he's brilliant! But this explains so very much to me, I thought it important to share in case it fits with your situation, too. 

With my evil NGrandfather and my NM, their goal has always been, and seemingly will forever be, to make me cry or scream and yell. They want to rattle me into an outburst, and with my frayed nerves and their penchant for malevolence, it's not exactly hard for them to get me shrieking "Foul!" at the top of my lungs and/or sprinting from the room in tears. (If they don't get the pleasure of doing this in person, they'll settle for phone calls and email).

But with "Low Contact", and now the current state of affairs (which amounts to "temporary No Contact" for all intents and purposes), they have been denied the opportunity to distract themselves and/or assuage their guilt by causing me to blow like Mt St Helens.

My EF knows this, too. His job is, at any cost, to bring me to my NM. It reminds me of a fairytale or fantasy adventure - "Bring me the head of the escaped prisoner, and I shall give you her weight in gold and rubies!", sayeth the evil Queen.

DH and I think that the "radio silence" drives my NM batty because she's not being reassured that I'm the crazy one (no new blow-ups, no new allies in the form of witnesses to my blow-ups). She can't watch me get upset and feel whatever positive feelings or reassurance she gets from that.

Instead, she has to deal with whatever guilt and self-doubt she feels. I know from the literature I've read on NPD that she likely feels that crushing void of emptiness and self-hatred that they try to stuff full with "narcissistic supply". If I'm not there with my anger to make her feel like a big and influential person, if I'm simply ignoring her, the negativity must be intolerable.

(Going back to the "Pathological Triad" post - if I don't say or do anything, it's harder for her to make me into the 'persecutor' and see herself as the 'victim'). 

DH says that the best bet my NM has of ever seeing anything from my point of view, or of seriously critiquing her parenting skills, lies in the crushing silence of "No Contact".

I had told my NParents of my need for 'space' on several previous occasions, and it didn't sink in. So we discussed it with my shrink and sent in the big guns - an email from my DH telling them that they need to back off for the sake of my health and wellness. It was blunt, it was serious, and it was judiciously ignored by my pathetic parents.

Both of them had contacted me again (separately) within the week. EF is just pretending nothing's happened ("Did you catch the game last night? What a crock, eh? Ref must be blind!"), but NM is throwing everything she's got at me. I translated her recent message into the following:

"I don't give a crap about what you're going through (or you in general), though I'll say "I LOVE YOU" because I know it gets an emotional reaction. I can't refute your claims if you don't give me something to gaslight you about. I'm going to keep pretending this is the first time you've ever expressed a problem regarding our relationship, despite 30-something years to the contrary. What you are doing is unfair to me - I want what I want, and I'm never, ever going to give up until I get it, and I'm going to claim that it's LOVE that's driving me to do it! You are in the wrong, You are a horrible person, You are the Abuser, I am the Victim here, not you. You have no right to be pulling this crap! I feel sorry for myself. You should feel ashamed for what you are doing. I'm going to say "I LOVE YOU" again, though the structure of this message, and past history, does nothing to support that assertion. Oh, and you're breaking my heart."

Lovely. The 'breaking my heart' bit was left untranslated. It's their tag-line.

Can I just point out again that this was in response to a message from my DH to my NParents, telling them that I was having serious and distressing difficulties (suicidal thoughts, self-harm, major depression, physical illness, weekly visits to the Psychologist)?

Knowing this, does the structure of my NM's (translated) letter seem a little amiss? If it doesn't, you're an ACoN! I'll point out what a non-ACoN (my DH, my Psychologist) sees in this: the message does not show ANY LOVE TOWARDS ME. There is no concern for my safety. There is no concern for my happiness. There is no mention of my situation, apart from the opening line where she said, "I know you said you needed space, but I need to talk to you." The only reference to my situation was a segue to launch HER letter of "poor me, I'm the victim"!

ANY MOTHER who ACTUALLY LOVED her daughter would be PREOCCUPIED with HELPING her daughter in such a dire situation!

I can be sure this won't be the last of my NM's efforts to get me back 'under her thumb'. I may have bigger challenges to face than this. I can say that I feel less and less guilty about 'cutting her out' as days go by. I realise that, despite what she might claim (thanks to Mulderfan for pointing this out), she hasn't really got a heart to break. Or, she does, and it was broken years before I came into this world. It's not my responsibility to fix it. And if I tell her what she "did wrong" so that she can, pardon my laughter, "fix it" (i.e. dismiss my complaint outright!), she's not going to learn a single thing, as usual, and she's going to go right back to her comfortable cycle of parasitizing me rather than facing her own demons.

Going "No Contact" induced quite a lot of guilt for me in the beginning. Now I see it is the only way forward for me and my family (that's me and the DH). It's like an amputation - no one wants to have to lose a part of them, but if it's going to kill you, well, you gotta do what you gotta do. Amputate, grieve, rehabilitate in the proper sense of the word, and adapt. There's a life left to live after this.

Where I Feared to Tread - Sexuality and ACoNism

by Quercus

Here's a personal admission - I've always wondered/worried if I was gay. Let me explain, because this is quite complicated. It's complicated because I'm not a lesbian. It's a problem I have, just this morning, finally solved. A conundrum in my mind that never quite fit with the rest of me.

I have never been in love with a female. I have never felt sexual desire towards another woman as an individual. I have, always, been attracted to men. I have always chased after them in one way or another since grade two. When most of my friends were lusting after teen idols (and admittedly, I had moments of weakness here too - but never for NKOTB! I'm proud of this), I was drooling over Harrison Ford. Seems that at a young age I wasn't overly threatened by his very masculine looks and copious quantities of testosterone - I thought (and still think) that there is no one more desirable in the whole world than Indiana Jones. (Expect maybe my husband. I feel like I should say this, ha ha! Next to my husband, there is no one more desirable than Dr. Jones!).

So where do the 'chicks' factor in? I'm glad you asked. I've never been adequately able to explain this, until now - it all just clicked! Introspection is a great thing - when you're able, go where you fear to tread in your psyche, and you can resolve all sorts of bizarre idiosyncrasies that have always left you feeling confused and ill-at-ease with aspects of yourself!

Here's the conundrum - in terms of sexual arousal, it appears to be women and visions of women expressing their sexuality openly that 'turns me on'. And I could never figure out why this was. Apart from Indiana Jones, men didn't really arouse me, psychologically speaking. And here is another odd aspect - in 'real life', I did just fine in terms of my heterosexual sexuality. I identified as female, I was attracted to males - where's the problem? I think this is why it's taken me so long to figure this out; why, in the deepest recesses of my mind, am I strongly aroused by women? It didn't make sense.

I wrote before that my NM had once accused me of being gay later in life (either my teens or 20s, I can't remember). It hurt so much. It was as if she didn't know me at all - all my interest in the opposite sex, heartbreak over young men - I had shared this all with her, openly, in the hopes that she'd take interest in me, pay me some attention, help me to feel better. She never did, of course, but she must've known how important it was to me that the-guy-next-door would ask me to go to the dance with him. Unless she wasn't listening, at all, ever, all those years. This is certainly possible.

My NM did a number on me psychologically speaking, which seems to have spilled over into virtually ALL aspects of my psyche, including, amazingly, my sexuality. My NM did everything in her power to make me feel inadequate physically (my small breasts, which grew before the other girls' had, weren't a source of humiliation for me at all. But she quickly made me see them as inadequate, pathetic, and a major fault - men like big breasts, and A cups, even B cups, weren't going to cut it. I'd have to learn to attract them another way, since my body was unattractive). She commented on everything - the fact that I was hairy (though she refused to teach me to shave my legs, even after I was the last girl in school to do so), not skinny enough (this was a favourite - she stopped making food I liked because I was 'tubby'), had bad skin (big pores), big thighs - you name it, it was regrettable.

I didn't (and don't) have an 'hourglass' figure. The difference between me and say, Jessica Rabbit, is extraordinary. It's not for lack of trying, either - it is literally my bone structure and shape. If I had several ribs removed and shaved down my liver, maybe I could invent those desirable curves that I so obviously lack. Exercise (cardio and/or strength training) just makes my 'core' stronger and, sadly, thicker. I could always get breast augmentation, too, though I notice that my NM was quick to say how fake and awful that is (can you imagine how angry she'd be if her daughter had juicy jugs? I can! It's almost worth it just to see the look on her face! How's that for a poor reason to undergo surgery?! Spite!).

Jessica Rabbit is hot, and physically impossible, and an archetype of the sexually-desirable female. I'd be lying if I said the sight of her didn't cause a hormone rush in me. But again, WHY?!

I think I know.

Jessica Rabbit is forbidden. She's the enemy. She could not, in all likelihood, be hated and resented any more strongly by my NM. If my NM could rid the world of all other women, starting with the sexy and curvaceous, she would. NM hates competition.

The more sexuality I exuded, the worse I was treated. I had all femininity psychologically beaten out of me. You should have seen photos of me as a teenager - I did look as though I was disinterested in my own femininity, perhaps a very masculine lesbian coming to terms with 'the real her'.

What it actually was was a poor girl who was scared to death of expressing her femininity, lest she be humiliated for her inadequate curves and sex appeal, or be treated even worse by her pathological NM.

Last night I had a pseudo sex-dream about Madonna. I'm not even a Madonna fan, I don't get it. But then I realised that Madonna is really Western society's epitome of the sexually liberated, expressive female. "Express Yourself", "Human Nature" - it's hard to think up a better living archetype of female sexuality.

And this is how I ended up with my epiphany on why I'm 'attracted' and 'aroused' by these women - I want to BE them! I want to 'have' them, but not in the way you might at first think - I want to be 'one' with them. It was absolutely forbidden for me to identify with these women, to join their ranks, to be close to them. They are the enemy. And I'm not allowed to defect to their side.

Ironically, I won a vote on the "best legs in school", and I was never short a boyfriend. I am, relatively speaking, attractive to 'men' in general. And yet I have yawning insecurities, and I have trouble flirting (luckily for me, my husband thought me adorable for it, and I don't have to anymore!), and I still am not all that comfortable with my own femininity.

I wanted to share my little epiphany. I always wondered about why I found women so sexually attractive, but never wanted to 'be with' a female. I didn't like thinking about it - I thought I was some sort of freak. I love my husband, I've only ever 'fallen for' men, and I just couldn't rectify why I am aroused by the 'concept' of a sexually expressive and free woman.

The reason is, that 'woman in my mind', is me, metaphorically speaking. My dreams are telling me that I want to merge with that 'female', however she appears in my mind, because I need to connect with my own sexuality which has been suppressed, or repressed, or estranged from me - whatever the wording should be.

Jungian psychology speaks about the "animus", the masculine aspect of every woman's psyche, and the "anima", the feminine aspect of every man's psyche. My animus looks an awful lot like Indiana Jones. He's sexy, he's capable, he's highly educated, and has scruff and big muscles. Mmm. As a female, I shouldn't need to have an anima, but I think I do! She doesn't really have a set shape, but she's a total vixen with huge boobs and curves and legs as long as a month of Sundays! It's not real women that arouse me, which I've always known at some level, but my anima - the 'forbidden' feminine side of me not expressed.

If I was an asexual child forever, I think my NM might have hated me less. The moment I started my period, an ignored child became a massive threat, and the campaign to ruin my confidence, my sexuality, was launched. And sadly, it's worked.

The bad news for mumsie is that it never prevented me from attracting males (something she appears to have had troubles with - I wonder why! Narc-radar is functioning in most people after all!), or getting married to a wonderful, sexually attractive man (yes, she admits to lusting after my husband. How gross is that?!). And the even worse news is that, now that I've figured out what's happening in my brain, I have a happy feeling that my sex life is going to go from 'satisfactory' to 'awesome'.

No more worries with me. It's time to 'express myself'!

I wonder if anyone else had their sexuality suppressed by a controlling NM and have an 'anima' of their own, despite being a heterosexual female. If you do, don't feel you have to comment openly below - this is a very personal admission. But if you do relate, I sincerely hope this post has helped you accept what's going on and be more kind and gentle to yourself - there's nothing wrong or 'freakish' about you at all. You've just got some interesting constructs in your mind put there to prevent you from getting hurt further by an abusive parent who resented your femininity.

Ignored, then Engulfed, then Ignored, then Engulfed

by Quercus

Here's another fantastic article by Michelle Piper at "Narcissistic Mother". She compares and contrasts the two major divisions of narcissistic mothers - ignoring and engulfing.

If you asked me today what sort of NM I had, I could confidently say that she is of the engulfing variety.

If you asked me when I was 11 what sort of NM I had, or even at 17, or at 25, I would say 'ignoring'.

It's this bit in Michelle's article that made me stand up and take notice (my emphasis):

"When you are engulfed, you are often put in the golden child role or the scapegoated role.  When you are ignored you may be in the lost child role or, again, the scapegoated role.  Sometimes, the narcissistic mom will switch between the styles." -Michelle Piper

I can actually pinpoint the days in which she switched between the styles. The first time was at menarche when I started my first period (it had happened at school, and I remember wrapping a fistful of toilet paper around the crotch of my undies! Very bunchy and awkward - I felt as though I was involved in a 'first-aid' exercise, and this was my best approximation of a bandage with unconventional materials).

For some reason, one which I believe I have now figured out, the beginning of my menses caused great excitement in my NM. It wasn't positive, though she masqueraded it as such, and it wasn't patently negative because it felt different than that - I believe it was fear-driven. As I've read elsewhere, the 'blossoming' of a daughter into a sexually mature female can be incredibly threatening to an insecure mother. I can tell you that this was the case in my life.

The second time I clearly remember seeing a switch from one extreme style to the other in my NM I have discussed before - you can read the summary here, also on "Narcissistic Mother". If you read the article, you'll note that I started with describing my relationship with my NM as 'enmeshed', but I think that's a little misleading. I was summarily ignored right up until the game-changing words of, "I'll admit it! I resented you!". It was at this point that she decided, I'm certain, "If you can't ignore her, join her!".

And so my NM switched to her current phase of 'engulfment', which has lasted for years. She does seem to prefer the 'ignoring' style, and she'll transiently revert back to it frequently. It just doesn't seem to last, though - I believe something about me or my life has become too big for her to ignore, and so she's forced to try to consume me. Like in "The Blob".

Yuck.

I've also been reading Pronoia Agape's blog, "Writing the Wrongs of Narcissistic Parenting", and her recent post is very enlightening. She writes so honestly and transparently, and I think being able to share like this is incredibly beneficial to other ACoNs. I think the last paragraph really details how differently the narcissistic parent in our lives can behave - to me, her NF is definitely of the 'ignoring' variety.

I have a hunch about Low-Contact and No-Contact, and I've been loathe to really spell it out in case it puts a bias on the Quiz (Survey) I've set up. This is my hypothesis (please don't let it colour your judgment on this issue if you haven't had a chance to do the quiz yet!):

• Engulfing Parents require "No Contact". There is really no other way, and the longer you dally on this, the more you'll regret it. Ask an ACoN who has gone "No Contact" for good - they'll tell you!
• Ignoring Parents don't require "No Contact". You can do "Low Contact" with little or no effort, because you're typically 'there' already. Going "No Contact" would be overkill, and it would take a lot of effort and emotional investment to 'cut them out of your life' when, functionally, they're hardly there to begin with. "Low Contact" makes logical sense here.

This is also why, given a changeable NM like mine, you can take forever to decide whether or not you want to enforce "No Contact". I think in my situation I'm going to have to - but we'll see. If things change dramatically in the "golden child"'s life (i.e. he gives NM grandbabies), I will safely bet that she'll revert to 'ignoring' with me again, and I might be able to slip out the backdoor unscathed. If she doesn't, or GC doesn't produce offspring to placate the Momster with, then I'll probably have to do the more challenging but necessary step of "No Contact - forever!". If I were a betting person, I'd put a hundred fat ones on me having to go "No Contact". I have a feeling it's what I want to do, just to be sure of my continued, precious autonomy!

Having an NM that waffled between ignoring and engulfing was difficult, but it had its perks. The ignoring aspect was the most hurtful when I was very young and needed reassurance, support, guidance... Michelle says it best:

"You were forced to care for yourself and were in charge of your own grooming, bathing, eating, and clothing habits. As a child, that is a lot to handle, especially if you were never taught how to properly care for yourself.
She may not have payed attention to what was going on in your life. If you got good grades, it went unnoticed. If you won the spelling bee, scored the game winning goal in your soccer game, or sold the most cookies in girl scouts, she didn’t even blink in your direction.
If those accomplishments did not benefit her, she didn’t care. If it was not all about her, then forget about it.
It can be seen as both a blessing and a curse to have an ignoring narcissistic mother.
Though you are hurt by her inattention, her emotional or physical absence can feel like a welcome respite in contrast to the engulfing narcissistic mother who is demanding of you and always in your business." - Michelle Piper

The worst aspect for me was the engulfment. All of a sudden, here was someone trying to take away the hard-earned 'self' that I had fought for. The self that was never taught to shave her legs, the self whose mother wouldn't buy her menstrual pads or deodorant (thank you, EF, for letting me add those to the shopping list all those years!), the self who had to buy her own clothes....

I have to rant about this, so forgive me the following anecdote: she never did my laundry. Ever. I did, even at a young age. Again, this wasn't a problem, because it wasn't the hardest thing in the world to do, thanks to modern technology. Then years later, when I was maybe 16 or so, she once 'did my laundry for me'. She didn't ask, she just decided to wash my clothes waiting their turn in my hamper in the laundry room. Again, this never happened. Now you'd think I wouldn't complain about this, this one 'altruistic act' of hers, but here's the thing - I lost several articles of favourite new clothing that day. She put all the hand-wash and dry-clean-only garments through the washer AND the dryer. She completely destroyed a bunch of my favourite clothes. Clothes I had had to buy myself (my friend's parents always purchased clothes for them).

As usual, being a naive moron, I thought this was a terrible accident. She screamed and cried and accused me of being a bad and ungrateful daughter when I began to cry at the sight of my ruined clothing. Pretty sure EF gave me the works for this, too. Her nice and thoughtful act of service was completely overlooked by me, the spoiled brat, who had the audacity to chastise her (by crying) for trying to do 'something nice'! There was "no loving (me)"! What a b*tch I was!

In retrospect, I know exactly what she was doing and why. I looked good in those clothes, better than she did (which wasn't hard - she had really let herself go and wasn't even trying to look good). I was getting attention from boys, exactly what she'd always tried to prevent from happening. So she ruined my clothes. She knew how to do laundry, and so it was ridiculous to think this sincerely was an accident (why the heck did she do my laundry?! I'm sorry, my NM has never done a truly altruistic thing as long as I've known her unless a thousand people saw and heard about it!). $100 says she put the washer on hot and high agitation, and the dryer at max heat and time. She really, really wrecked my clothes - they were completely in-salvageable, even in the 90s grunge era!

(Thanks for letting me get that off my chest!).

The waffling between ignored and engulfed was confusing and upsetting. I did not form friendships with my siblings - we were all floating untethered in the changeable ocean of NM's capriciousness, prevented from rafting together to ride out the storms. I grew up the hardest way I knew how, alone and unsupported emotionally. I had to fight to survive psychologically. As soon as I grew strong enough to start to stand tall on firm ground and take in a deep breath, she engulfed me. Like the Blob. She's trying to drown me, or eat me - she wants to kill me off and take what I 'have' for herself.

It's like putting an animal in captivity, giving it minimal food and space, then in an emergency throwing open the cage doors, and jumping heavily on its back, expecting it to carry you to freedom. (Me, the poor animal, can barely walk under the weight of NM, and is getting prodded and whipped but can barely put one foot in front of the other, let alone go bounding into the great, wide open).

***********

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The Pathological Triad

by Quercus

*Please be sure to read the comment thread for Vicarious Rising's point (the first comment in the thread) on the innocent and unwitting child and their involvement in this system; I definitely neglected to address that aspect in the body of the post, and it's a critical one! Thanks, VR!*

The Pathological Triad (also known as the "Karpman Drama Triangle") is something I've been well-acquainted with, thanks to a well-meaning older friend of mine who likes to relate virtually any human relationship idiosyncrasy back to this model. While I feel this model does have limitations (the friend uses this like it's going out of style!), it's a simple conceptual diagram that does apply itself very well to the dynamics of an abusive home.

I highly recommend this webpage belonging to Dr Peter Gerlach - it's a quick, bare-bones read on this phenomenon, and I guarantee it'll give you insight (this 'triangle' can cycle inside your own mind - you can pathologize yourself with it! Inner triangles then spur outer triangles).  A quote from his site:

One person unconsciously chooses the role of the Persecutor ("P"). S/He blames, disrespects, attacks, ignores, and/or criticizes the Victim ("V") for something, causing the Rescuer ("R") to defend the Victim. That may quickly shift so that the Persecutor becomes a Victim, and the former Victim may become a Rescuer. Note that these three labels refer to roles (behaviors and attitudes), not the person in the role.

Each role may be played by an adult or a child. Each person can switch back and forth between these roles with different situations and different people. Few people are aware they're doing this. If they are, they don't know how to not do it.  

There are three positions on the triangle, and they represent "roles", not people. This is important to remember, because as a person you can slide from one role to the next, depending on the current situation. In my family, it was rare for anyone to stay completely within one role for very long.

"... the Victim is not really as helpless as he feels, the Rescuer is not really helping, and the Persecutor does not really have a valid complaint." (reference)

The Persecutor is the accuser, or the one 'pointing the finger'. They are the abuser, crying foul and creating a victim. My NM played this role, though she'd be mostly unaware of it. She viewed herself as the victim instead.

The Victim is rather self-explanatory. I think the key in understanding the role of the victim is to remember that the victim is the lynch-pin; as Steve Karpman (for whom the model is named) said, this nasty cycle "will go on as long as someone is willing to be victimized" (ref.). Ironically, the most powerless position on this triangle is actually the exit door - if you find yourself in the role of victim, which many of us ACoNs will, don't despair. You can exit from that position. One trouble with being in the victim role is that if you get a rescuer to 'perpetuate your negative feelings', you'll sit there comfortably, feeling helpless and miserable but championed by the rescuer, and you won't want to disengage from the triangle. You also won't think for yourself or stand up for yourself when your rescuer will do it all for you (the rescuer is enabling helplessness in the victim, unfortunately, and is not having a positive impact despite intentions to the contrary).

The Rescuer is an interesting role, and I don't think it applies totally to any "E" parents, since they weren't doing much rescuing (other than rescuing the "N"!). Hypothetically, if you had one abusive parent, the other would likely take up the role of rescuer. In my family, I was often the rescuer. I was the victim for the most part, but when my NM got going, I was cast as the persecutor (herself as the victim). Either my EF would jump into the role of the rescuer to save NM from my 'abuses', or, as it was quite frequently, I would have to simultaneously be both the persecutor and the rescuer (the problem and the solution) for dear old victimized narcissistic-mother!

The Rescuer is a very dangerous role to be in, in my opinion, because it doesn't feel as powerless as the victim's role. You get to swoop in and save the day, and I found this especially gratifying when I had earlier been cast as the persecutor. As the rescuer, you have the opportunity to make things better, to bring about peace. It can be dangerously addictive to play the role of someone who 'makes things better'. I think that I preferred the role of rescuer to that of victim, which is where I was for the majority of any given day when NM wasn't kicking up a fuss and labeling me as the persecutor.

I'm not sure how, but I think I relate best to the rescuer role. As the scapegoat in my FOO, I would honestly have assumed that I'd relate best to the victim role, or possibly the persecutor, since I was always, ALWAYS accused of "breaking my NM's heart"!

Wikipedia says this of the 'rescuer' role:

It is someone who has a mixed or covert motive that is actually benefiting egoically in some way from being "the one who rescues". The rescuer has a surface motive of resolving the problem, and appears to make great efforts to solve it, but also has a hidden motive to not succeed, or to succeed in a way that they benefit. For example, they may feel a sense of self-esteem or status as a "rescuer", or enjoy having someone dependent or trusting of them - and act in a way that ostensibly seems to be trying to help, but at a deeper level plays upon the victim in order to continue getting their payoff.

I would agree - when I play the role of 'rescuer', I have the opportunity to show 'love' to the mother who has not shown love to me. I can 'care for' the mother who has not cared for me. I can feel good about myself for providing a service. In my situation, I believe the latter motive, "to succeed in a way that they benefit" is my unconscious desire - I've always been rather bereft in the self-esteem department, so here's a way I can get self-esteem back from a mother who stripped it from me.

The following lists were taken from "The Drama Triangle" on Mental Health Today.

Common themes in the role of 'The Rescuer':

• Rescues when they don't really want to.
• Feels guilty if they don't rescue.
• Keeps victim dependent.
• Gives permission to the others to fail.
• Expects to fail themselves in rescue attempts.

(This is me in a nutshell. I wonder if I've been sitting in the "rescuer" role ever since I went Low/No-Contact and started to withdraw, though I'm sure I'm also the "persecutor" since I'm CLEARLY doing what I'm doing to punish my NM! (sarcasm). Sigh.)

 Common themes in the role of 'The Persecutor':

• Sets strict limits unnecessarily.
• Blames.
• Criticizes.
• Keeps victim oppressed.
• Is mobilized by anger.
• Rigid, authorative stance.
• "Critical" parent.

(I can see clearly how my parents would cast me in this role, too. "Strict limits" = essential psychological boundaries! Rigid and authoritative in keeping boundaries... yeah, I would fit this role in their view as well!).

Common themes in the role of 'The Victim':

• Feels victimized, oppressed, helpless, hopeless, powerless, ashamed.
• Looks for a rescuer who will perpetuate their negative feelings.
• If stays in Victim position, will block self from making decisions, solving problems, pleasure and self-understanding.
• "Dejected" stance.

(I think I have ceased to be the victim ever since I sought psychotherapy, moved out, and read about NPD. I can certainly say I grew up in this position for much of my early life, but was increasingly cast in the other two roles as I matured. Not fair, not fun!).

One thing that leaps to mind about 'The Victim' role is the online communities for "parents of estranged children". One often gets the distinct feeling that they almost revel in their 'victimhood' and are looking for others to pity them (perpetuate their negative feelings), rather than challenging themselves to become problem solvers and seek self-understanding. There doesn't seem to be much legitimate self-reflection happening, in my opinion, amongst these 'estranged parents'. There is a lot of victimhood, but not a lot of self-empowerment to rectify a difficult situation. (It's probably what drove the child away in the first place - I could see the child being cast unfairly as the persecutor, and the other parent (rescuer) being blamed for not siding more with the dejected, 'victimized' parent).

An amazing excerpt from "Transcending the Victim-Rescuer-Persecutor Triangle" on Holistic World:

Breaking The Cycle - Simply becoming aware of and understanding these patterns are good first steps. Once we are aware of our patterns we can choose to help ourselves to change, to break free and to step off the triangle. Understanding that most "Professional Victims" really do not want help, nor do they want to change, makes it much easier to avoid getting caught up in their games. They might want your attention, time, love, support, money, energy and nurturing, however few "Professional Victims" are really willing or committed to making the effort and taking the actions required to actually change their circumstances. They are masters at the game! That is where the term "Professional Victim" comes from. Oddly enough, when you reach out to help a "Victim," telling them that they are beautiful, intelligent or fully capable of being happy and achieving love and success, the Victim will often argue with you, telling you all the reasons why they are not, cannot - and why your suggestions will not work. Their constant focus is on their past, their problems, fears and failures.

So what do you think? Can you identify your role(s) in your family?

What I find interesting is applying this construct to fights and arguments that you're not a part of - you can practically see people changing from role to role as fights progress, and the 'roles' are very obvious. I recommend remembering this and applying it (silently in your own mind!) to the next tiff or argument at your workplace.

Groups can also function to fill the roles - you can get a mob mentality that cast as victims, or as persecutors, or even as rescuers. It's interesting to watch these dynamics ebb and flow in the corporate world. One hopes the 'triangle' is a fleeting set-up; us ACoNs all know too well what can happen when you've grown up in an entrenched "Pathological Triad".

"The situation plays out when a situation arises and a person takes a role as victim or persecutor. Others then take the other roles. Thereafter 'the two players move around the triangle, thus switching roles', so that for example the victim turns on the rescuer, the rescuer switches to persecuting -- or as often happens the rescuer ends up entering the situation and becoming a victim." (Wikipedia)

I think the "Pathological Triad" or "Drama Triangle" is a very challenging model to apply to yourself. It doesn't say very nice things of anyone in any of the roles. I think this is one of the more upsetting things I read (my emphases):

"The covert purpose for each 'player' and the reason the situation endures is that each gets their unspoken (and frequently unconscious) psychological wishes/needs met in a manner they feel justified, without having to acknowledge the broader dysfunction or harm done in the situation as a whole. As such, each player is acting upon their own selfish 'needs', rather than acting in a genuinely responsible or altruistic manner." (Wikipedia)

So how do you stop the cycle and break out of the triangle? I believe, based on what I've read, all you have to do is stop contributing. Stop rescuing, stop persecuting, refuse to be a victim.... I think it means "Low Contact" (or "No Contact", depending on your situation). This is very good news for us ACoNs, since setting boundaries and distancing ourselves from our FOO's is something we all have to do anyway to varying extents. And as mentioned earlier in this post, the 'victim' stands right next to the metaphorical 'exit door'; in a beautiful twist of fate, the most powerless has the best opportunity to get out!

As a final note, I want to credit that elder friend of mine for his knowledge on the subject. He says that:

"People would rather KILL or DIE than have their stable pathological triangles collapse on them! They will do anything to maintain the dysfunction. They will do anything to keep you in the role they need you to act out."

He's not a psychologist or therapist or anyone accredited to say such a thing, but this has been his observation after a long life of familial drama. I think he's right, too - when I read the blogs of other ACoNs and see the bizarre stunts and extreme lengths the FOO's go to to recapture the escaped ACoN into their 'web of dysfunction', I believe my friend is correct in thinking that there is nothing they won't do to reestablish a pathological system that benefits them.

I remember what Dr Peter Gerlach said - "Few people are aware they're doing this. If they are, they don't know how to not do it."

Man the escape pods, ACoN. It's time to abandon the triangular-shaped ship!



For further reading, straight from the model's creator's mouth (Dr Stephen Karpman), read the PDF file "The New Drama Triangles".

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Here are the sources I have used for this article - there's so much more to read than covered in my post:

http://sfhelp.org/relate/triangles.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle
http://www.mental-health-today.com/articles/drama.htm
http://www.holisticworld.co.uk/your_say.php?article_id=77
http://www.karpmandramatriangle.com/pdf/thenewdramatriangles.pdf
http://www.claudesteiner.com/hea1.htm

Me, the Cactus

Article by Quercus. All photos are courtesy & copyright of Ruth at "We are One". 

Photo by Ruth - see her blog at We are One

One of the many cruel nicknames my NM dished out was "Cactus-girl", suggesting that you'd get poked by a sharp spine if you tried to get close to me. Cactus-girl.

Yes, somehow I was the one causing the injuries. I can't see how. I can remember longing and longing for some affection and affirmation from my heartless mother as a child. As a young adult, I remember reaching out to her in humiliating emails, baring my soul and then some to see if she'd show some kindness - put metaphorical band-aids and kisses on the sore spots of my life, my love life, etc. Did she? Of course not.

Or this one time, where something really awful happened in my professional life: I called her crying, looking for advice, help, something, anything! Did she help? Of course not. Could she help? Well, in this case, perhaps not. So I wasn't hurt by her reaction in this scenario until a little later on, when I visited her father, the evil malignant narcissist. He gleefully told me that the terrible situation at work was brought upon by me, and it had only been a matter of time before I had messed everything up completely, because I was a pathetic person who lacked this and that and the the other thing. According to him, I deserved every bad thing that happened to me. And he seemed to actually be saying that he enjoyed seeing me 'leveled'; apparently I had gotten 'above' myself.

And it was at that moment that I felt, conclusively in my heart (God forgive me!), utter hatred for my mother. She had run to him and told him all this. And she had told him only the unflattering details in such a way that he could concoct a diatribe like the lines he hissed at me. There was no way he could have just taken a stab-in-the-dark at my general situation and come up with those particular jabs that were surgical in their precision! And there was no way my mother had been fair or kind to me in her relating of the story to him. All the laudable parts were missing, and there was just too much detail, too many specifics, for my evil grandfather to have guessed at. She had fed him all this specific information.

And worst of all, she had set me up to go and visit with him, something I had only done a handful of times as an adult. She waited for a moment when my whole world was crashing down around me, and she set me up for complete destruction with the evilest man I have ever met. They arranged the coup de grace expediently, with this delicious turn of events - Cactus-girl, flying high, had been brought unexpectedly low. Had they been biding their time, laying in wait for their opportunity? One day, I would be weak again. And on that day, they'd waste no time.

My mother used to do this to me as a girl, and then as a teenager. I would be going about my merry way, doing homework, or talking with a friend on the phone. I never suspected anything. I hadn't done anything wrong, so I wasn't expecting punishment. And my evil grandfather would come over to visit.

My NM would force me to spend time alone with him. I would be pulled away from what I was doing (and whatever I was doing would be being done quietly, in my room. Reading. Doing homework. Drawing. I never did anything to incur her wrath - I laid low, always). "Your grandfather wants to visit with you in the kitchen." There was a tone in her voice and fire in her eyes. She was getting off on this. And I had no choice but to visit with him.

My grandfather would be sitting at the counter, his teeth clenched in an unconvincing 'friendly grin' . Gleefully, almost lustfully, he would slowly embark on a complete attack on my character through a smiling jaw and fiery eyes. It was like being thrown into the crocodile tank. He was really enjoying it, building up to bigger and more cruel sleights. He'd eat his treat, a sweet of some sort, one that was offered to me to 'lure' me into sitting down next to him. He'd make some 'innocuous' but hateful comment about my body, or more often my personality, while his fat, ugly lips wrestled with the pastry on the end of his fork. I think he was suppressing laughter; maybe that's why his lips stumbled over the fork.

NM always left the room, though she'd had escorted me to him - I guess she didn't want to see it happen? Or maybe she knew I'd see her smile. I was always punished by him on her behalf. She'd always insist, with this wicked smile, that I needed to go and 'spend time with him alone'. My EF was never at home when these little 'meetings' took place. That could hardly have been a coincidence. I doubt he'd have stood up for me, but I also know NM and her father would be too chicken to try it with any witnesses. My siblings were always, always sent away on an errand while I was to 'spend time alone' with grandfather.

When I was older, I found ways to 'not be home' when he would visit. I'd volunteer, or be out with friends, or would simply be hiding out somewhere outside. I began to figure out that my evil grandfather only wanted to visit me 'alone' before my EF came home from work, and while my siblings were elsewhere. So I'd "be home to see grandfather and everyone else at dinner." What could NM object to? I was visiting, wasn't I? She'd lose it if I did this; she'd literally rage at me. This was an ice-woman who never showed emotions. But in these few situations, it all came flooding out. She couldn't hold the anger in - it would seethe out of her. The resentment, the threats, the hatred she had for me would simply boil over. I don't ever remember her losing it like this in any other context. Clearly, she had an enormous emotional need to have me be verbally horse-whipped by her father. Denying her the opportunity to have me abused would cause her to lash out at me, even physically at times. She needed me to be abused.

I really am "Cactus-girl" in many ways. I grew up in an emotional desert - an arid environment, harsh climate, and I had to grow spines (apparently) to defend against the scavengers that tore into my watery flesh to feed on me.

Photo by Ruth - see her blog at We are One

The nickname used to hurt me - it was meant to. Now I realise it's a pretty apt handle. I was a cactus in the desert of despair. What were the spines I grew? I still don't know. Boundaries, probably. Weak and feeble ones at that. Just the act of trying to defend myself 'hurt' my NM, no doubt. I sure never tried to hurt her. Not once. Not ever. I spent every waking minute worried I was "killing her". I still worry about that. Having her accuse me of intentionally hurting her is and was the cruelest thing she could do.

I hate my grandfather. (The Lord knows it's in my heart, so I'll confess it). I hate my grandfather. Zealously. He is the worst person in the entire world. He delighted in the soul-annihilation of a good and kind little girl. He's a monster. And my mother is not much better. In fact, she's worse - she abused me mostly by proxy, keeping her hands clean, and playing the innocent victim card every time I dared to squeak out 'Foul!'. She was probably treated like dirt by my grandfather. Did she care enough to make sure the same didn't happen to her daughter?! NO! She made sure what happened to her also happened to me. Maybe she set it up so worse would happen to me. I can never know for certain.

The police have told me that, in regards to the sexual assault that happened to me as a child, that my mother was "hiding something". They said that they were sure she either knew something and wasn't cooperating, was intentionally obstructing justice, or may have even been complicit in the whole thing. Something rubbed them so wrong that they contacted me to tell me this. They told me I ought to know of their suspicions, and that I should use this information to be 'cautious' around her. Too bad I was already an adult by this time. I wish I had received such a warning earlier, though truthfully, what good would it have done me? I had no place to go, and no one to help me escape.

Here's what I think was going on in my NM's mind: her life had sucked. And she'd be damned if I, this horrid little upstart of a woman, was going to be more than she was. More happy, more pretty, more successful - no! Not if she could help it! "All we ever wanted for you was for you to be likeable. We didn't want you to become conceited.". That's what they once said to me. They stripped me of all self-confidence. They may have even accidentally-on-purpose had me savagely raped as a child (that's the sentiment of the police, as well as myself, now). They certainly never reported the crime to police, and they told me to tell no one. They made sure I was mild-mannered, passive, polite, self-sacrificing, eager to please, totally trusting, and a complete and utter doormat. They did everything they could to keep me trapped at home physically and emotionally. And whenever I was showing signs of growth or autonomy, the big guns got called for, and the evilest man I ever met would go to work on my soul with an emotional pick-axe. I would be chopped right back down to size.

If I had literally grown spines that projected from my skin, could you have blamed me? Would you not be glad to see that this helpless child had some rudimentary protection? I would, looking back. At the time, I cried myself to sleep believing that I was ugly and spiny and that it was my fault my mother didn't love me.

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Many thanks and all due credit to Ruth at We are One for the gorgeous, professional photos of cacti. She always has the most beautiful photos, and I'm so grateful she allowed me the use of these two images. Thank you again, Ruth! xoxox