Another Brick in the Wall

by Quercus

Is your NParent blaming you for the broken relationship? Are they accusing you of constructing a 'wall'?

Yeah, mine do that too. So I decided to illustrate the issue at hand with a 'letter' and two images:

Salutations, NParent.

Here's a wall, built brick by brick:

Here's the wall between us - the bricks are individually labelled (with words said to me or about me over the years. These are some of the more memorable hurled insults and jabs, de-identified):

It takes two after all, doesn't it, NParent? It's not all your fault!

We built the walls, but you provided the bricks.

And every other adult you speak to regarding your awful 'estranged child' will suspect as much. Just wanted you to know that the next time you go fishing for sympathy - you'll look pathetic to them; you'll garner pity for your own dysfunctional ways. Because every good parent knows where the bricks come from. They'll nod and "tsk tsk" supportively, all the while putting a neat little 'red flag' next to your name in their mind: "Warning: Abuser". 

The truth, NParent, is that all children love their parents (so do ACoNs, ironically, if you haven't completely killed it for them). No child raised in a kind and loving environment would build such a 'wall'. If you don't believe me, ask a psychologist. If you did nothing wrong, if you're every bit as good as any other parent, what's to fear?

You know you did wrong. We know. Everyone knows. Some people just humour you to be polite, or perhaps they are manipulating you to get what they need out of you (ah, irony).

So here's the wall. Thanks for the bricks.

Want to start deconstructing 'the wall'? Want to knock it down joyfully and reunite the way that they did in Berlin?

That's surprisingly easy to do! Ask about a brick, any brick, in particular. Ask for a 'big one', a load-bearing brick. Get your estranged child to, again, repeat for you what is written on the brick.

Now apologise for it. Humble yourself. Get on your knees and beg. We're talking Ebenezer Scrooge on Christmas morning, or the Grinch when he realises he couldn't steal Christmas - your total rebirth as a loving, kind and humble human being. You can't fake it - it's got to be genuine. Apologise for that brick. Make amends for that brick. It might take years, but you're a new man or woman now! You're Alastair Sim in a nightshirt frightening the maid because she thinks you've gone mad! You're the Grinch with the heart that grew three sizes that day!

Then, ask for another brick. Apologise, make amends (if you can), and keep going. Brick by brick you can deconstruct that wall. Your estranged child will even start deconstructing from their side, once you've made an appreciable dent and proven that your new heart wasn't a sham to trick them into speaking with you!

And then - reconciliation! How sweet the sound!

Why do I get the feeling you stopped reading at "apologise"?

NParent, if you can man-up (or woman-up) and have the intestinal fortitude necessary to do the right thing, you will have earned your adult child back in your life. And you will likely live happily ever after.

You just have to do the right thing. Can you? (A very sad little part of my brain says, "No. They can't.").

With hope,
your ex-child

To my fellow dear ACoNs - feel free to fill in your own brick wall. I kept mine anonymous (leaving out telling nicknames, omitting certain details) so that I could share it online. You could do the same, or let it all out, all of it, and save the image and make it your desktop background, never to be posted on the net. If you're really worried about security (i.e. the parents could hack your hard-drive), print it out and fill it in with pen instead.

Taking away the power of their words feels good. Admitting responsibility also feels good - yes, I built 'the wall' of low/no-contact. But it's because of the bricks they slung at me and continue to sling at me - it's a defensive barrier to keep me safe. Most parents don't sling bricks, ergo, no brick wall between them and their children.

To fill in your own brick wall, click on the blank wall image, then right click, "Save file as...". I used Paint (standard Microsoft Windows software) to fill in my wall (click on the "A" symbol for a text box, position appropriately, then select font and size for your text. Type, then click outside of the text box to 'fix' your text in place. There's an 'undo' arrow at the top left of the screen if needed. Save as you go). If you don't have specialized image software, you could also open it in Powerpoint and save the final version as an image rather than a slideshow - this is a more forgiving option than Paint as it allows editing after fixing the text in place (Paint doesn't). 

Feel free to submit your brick walls for inclusion in a future project on The ACoN Society - The Great Wall of ACoN. Make sure you haven't left any identifiers written on the wall for trolls to find, assuming as always that they're spending hours and hours obsessively hunting their prey. (Which they are - see Upsi's blog for some particularly warty and belligerent troll posts!).

ACoN Crossword Puzzle II

by Quercus

Another puzzle, this one a little more difficult! Clues are based on online resources, blogs and ACoN (or NPD) personalities. If you're a prolific devourer of NPD-related sites and literature, you'll find this a snap!

If you don't, the answer key will be posted with the next crossword puzzle! Stay tuned!

Print me out and fill me in! (Sorry - I don't know how to make an online one for free! Advice, please!)

ACoN blogs, NPD websites, Authors and Personalities

Oops! Clue #2 Down is FOUR letters long, not five! I must've included an s (****'s) at the end of the name, or else it's a straight-up glitch in the software! Sorry about that!

Looking for the solution to Crossword I? Here it is:

ACoN Crossword Puzzle I

by Quercus

Being an ACoN is certainly not all fun and games. So here's a little frivolous time-wasting for you to make up for lost merriment opportunities!

Print me out and fill me in!

General ACoN Terminology

(If anyone knows of a free online crossword puzzle that can be filled in online, let me know! Preferably one with more than 20 clues, too!)

Need an answer key? Stay tuned for ACoN Crossword II, coming soon to The ACoN Society!

DIY PROJECT: The ACoN Acorn

You could accuse me of being a little 'nutty', but I designed a quick DIY project for fellow ACoNs.

Sometimes it's nice to have something tangible to hold onto, especially when as a child your narcissistic parent kept you in a cloud of fog. Narcissists can be slipperier than eels when it comes to proving what they said or did. Remember what the author of "Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers" wrote:  

Everything she does is deniable. There is always a facile excuse or an explanation. Cruelties are couched in loving terms. Aggressive and hostile acts are paraded as thoughtfulness. Selfish manipulations are presented as gifts. Criticism and slander is slyly disguised as concern...

So if you're longing for something to actually hold onto, or a badge of honour, or a rite-of-passage, here's a pattern and instructions for how to make your own ACoN acorn to do with what you like.

For this rainy-day project, you need three colours of felt, a needle and thread (brown and green), scissors, a Sharpie pen to trace with, and a printer and paper for the template. Optional materials are ribbon or embroidery floss for hanging, straight pins, glue (i.e. Aleene's Tacky Glue), cotton batting or fibre-fill, and embellishments (beads, sequins, embroidery, etc.). To make the one in the photo, the only extras I required were embroidery floss and a darning needle. I added some stuffing to the acorn by inserting felt scraps left over from in-between the leaf lobes.

A fall colour scheme with yellow, orange or red leaves would be pretty, too. It's all up to you - you could even make it in bright fuchsia. Such is the beauty of art and self-expressionism.

To get started, print off a template and cut out the leaf, acorn and cap shapes. You can change the size of your finished project by scaling the image (I find the best way to go about this is: click on the image to get the full-size, then right-click on the image, save image as ____ to desktop or wherever you like, then open it with any image software, select "print preview" from the menu and see what it looks like relative to the sheet of computer paper).

PRINT ME OUT! YOU CAN SCALE THE SIZE UP OR DOWN.

Instructions:

1. Gather the materials. Cut out the individual templates.

2. Trace and cut out the component parts (two of each).

3. Sew together the two halves. For the acorn body and cap, you might want to stuff it with cotton batting or fabric scraps - make sure you attend to that before completely sealing off the 'inside'! If the two halves don't exactly match up, try your best to square the edges as you sew without totally skewing the shape. You can trim 'overhang' or excess felt after you've completely sewn around the perimeter (I think this is the easiest and safest way to go about it).

(If you wish to add embroidery, do it before sewing together the two halves.)

4.  Connect the acorn and the oak leaf together (how ever you think it looks best!), using ribbon or embroidery thread (or something else - you could simply pin them to something using a safety pin, too).

5. Hang it with pride! 

If you like, you could fill the acorn with something scented (potpourri, dried lavender, cloves) and use it as a sachet. It could hang from a keychain, your rear-view mirror (keep it small if so!), etc. I keep mine hanging from a knob on my computer desk drawer. 

project by Quercus  

 

Show off your handiwork! If you make your own, please consider emailing an image of it to:

acon(DOT)anon(AT)gmail(DOT)com

for inclusion on this blog post! Please also give a name (i.e. made by Quercus), or a location (from Manitoba, Canada). You can simply remain anonymous, too (as always).

MUSIC: Narcissism Anthems & ACoN Songs

Article by Quercus

Carly Simon's hit song "You're So Vain" might be the first to pop into anyone's head when prompted to name a narcissistic song.

But there are so many songs out there that 'ring true' for people who have been on the receiving end of extreme self-centeredness.

I know I have a few favourites. I'm not sure anyone else would hear them in the same way, but to me they hit an emotional chord or two.

If The ACoN Society was to put out a "Greatest Hits" album (apologies to those who were physically abused - I realise it's a poor choice of words), what songs would you nominate for it? Let's compile a soundtrack.

I personally nominate the following songs (I think I've got classic rock and alternative covered - please help flesh out the other genres!):

• Elton John's "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" 

The whole song's relevant to me, i.e. "You know you can't hold me forever, I didn't sign up with you. I'm not a present for your friends to open, this boy's too young to be singing the blues."

"What do you think you'll do then? I'll bet you'll shoot down your plane. It'll take you a couple of vodka and tonics to set you on your feet again. Maybe you'll get a replacement, there's plenty like me to found...."

I like the imagery of "catastrophic self-harm" coupled to having a few cocktails and then moving on to finding a new source of narcissistic supply. I think it captures the DSM-5's proposed revision to NPD well (my emphasis on the vacillation part):  

Identity: Excessive reference to others for self-definition and self-esteem regulation; exaggerated self-appraisal may be inflated or deflated, or vacillate between extremes; emotional regulation mirrors fluctuations in self-esteem.

• David Bowie's "Oh! You Pretty Things"

This song is written from the perspective of older parents, watching with horror as a new species, Homo superior, take over the world.

"All the strangers came today, and it looks as though they're here to stay. Oh, you pretty things! Don't you know you're driving your mamas and papas insane?"

"Look out at your children; see their faces in golden rays. Don't kid yourself they belong to you, they're the start of a coming race. The earth is a bitch, we've finished our news; Homo sapiens have outgrown their use. All the strangers ('nightmares' in another verse) came today, and it looks as though they're here to stay."

It's a really neat song, musically speaking (I defy you to not want to sing along to the chorus!). To me, it captures the 'redundant' feeling my NMom has now that she's aging (and fighting it all the way).

Why can't our parents see our births as a launch of a new and exciting generation? Why can't they be happy for us that we're coming into power in our own rights? Is it because all their identities were wrapped up in being young and virile?

It makes me wonder - what did our grandparents feel? And their parents? I don't believe that the 'current' generation is any 'worse' than the previous. I'm actually rather suspicious that the previous one just gripes an awful lot more than their predecessors. Maybe it's because life in the western world has gotten so easy. I'll bet there was once a generation glad to grow old and die; one that had had 'enough' of life. There's no pleasing people with a whopping great sense of entitlement.

• Audioslave's "Revelations"

This is probably a fantastic song for an ACoN who had pseudo-religious parents who preached at them (not my experience). But for any ACoN who was told what they thought and felt and who weren't allowed to 'own' their own existence, I think the lyrics (good and angry sounding!) will strike a familiar chord.

The entire song rings true for me. I suppose it can be heard as being anti-Christian, but I don't agree. I hear it as a rebuttal to a hypocritical pseudo-religious self-righteous stance. I see it as a shout back at my parents for telling me what I was feeling and thinking (leaving me very confused):

"You know what to do, you know what I did. Since you know everything, just clue me in. I am such a wreck, I am such a mess. I know what I know, why don't you fill in the rest? I will bring you down, I will make it bad, while you're feeling proud, why don't you help me?!"

Chorus: "Such a shame that I ought to know by now your 'revelations'. Cut me in, I don't want to live without your 'revelations'."

"You know what to say,  you know what I said. You know what I dream sleeping in my bed. You hold all the keys, you know all the rules. Why don't you guide me then, if I'm such a lost soul. I'm spinning round, I will make you ill. Since I'm so broken down, why don't you fix me?!"

"I am haunted when I am sleeping. Try to give without receiving. It's in the apple bite, it's in the days and nights, in the afterlife we'll reap."

• Smashing Pumpkins' "Rocket"

The video for this song is really what sticks in my mind. It's of (adorable) children, dreaming to be astronauts. Their mission control is based in a nearby junkyard. They build a rocket in the backyard, during a barbeque. The parents ignore them, writing them off the whole time. Guess what happens in the end? "I shall be free!"

I actually feel quite a lot of sympathy for the mother with the astonished look on her face, dutifully serving them hot dogs. She didn't see it coming. I don't think they typically do. And it's not like the signs aren't there. If only they had redirected their attention from within to without...

This is the ultimate "I'm cutting the ties that bind!" anthem for me. I used to listen to it again and again when I was young and physically trapped.  Poor Billy Corgan; I wonder what he went through as a lad? (See my next song choice, too!)

Key lyrics for me are:

"Bleed in your own light. Dream of your own life. I miss me. I miss everything I'll never be. And on and on. I'll torch my soul to show the world that I am pure deep inside my heart. No more lies."

Here are the BEST set of lines pertaining to the ACoN experience, in my opinion:

"An image formed, deformed. The mark I've borne, a mark of scorn to you. Consume my love, devour my hate, it only powers my escape! The moon is out the stars invite, I think I'll leave tonight!"

"Soon, I'll find myself alone. To relax and fade away. Do you know what's coming down? Do you know I couldn't stay 'free'? I shall be free! I shall be free! I shall be free... free from those voices inside me."

• Smashing Pumpkins' "Disarm"

I listened to this song so much in my youth that I got sick of it. It's very pretty, especially if you haven't heard it a billion times. This is a song about a hurting little boy - he said it was about "the shaky relationship" with his parents as a child (many people took the lyrics literally and thought it was a song about abortion, re: 'cut that little child inside of me'). I think he was speaking metaphorically; I suspect he was turned into an abuser as well. When there's only two choices on who to be, victim or abuser, not everyone is able to choose 'victim'. Maybe Billy handed down the legacy of abuse he received from his parents to another child as a bully? I don't know. I know he's hurting, though; that much is clear.

"Disarm you with a smile, and cut you like you want me to, cut that little child inside of me and such a part of you. Ooh, the years burn."

"I used to be a little boy, so old in my shoes. And what I choose is my choice, what's a boy supposed to do? The killer in me is the killer in you."

"Disarm you with a smile, and leave you like they left me here, to wither in denial. The bitterness of one who's left alone. Ooh, the years burn."


Guilty pleasure-wise, I also like Bon Jovi's "Blaze of Glory". It doesn't have much to do with anything (apart from struggling against impossible odds, with nothing going in your favour), but it's a great battle-cry. Think trail-hardened cowboy outlaw ready to "go down in a blaze of glory" as his final stand. Favourite lines: "Lord, I never drew first, but I drew first blood. I'm no one's son, call me young gun." and the bitter response of "You ask me if I've known love and what it's like to sing songs in the rain? Well I've seen love come, I've seen it shot down, I've seen it die in vain."

UPDATE:  I've referenced three other songs in later posts which probably should have been included in this here. The first was "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd, then "Best of You" by the FOO Fighters, followed by "Tainted Love" by Soft Cell.

29 Sept 2012 update: How could I forget Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train"?!

Your turn! What's a great ACoN song or hilarious Narcissism Anthem? Please post your 'nominations' below.