OPINION: Hierarchy and the Narcissist

Article by Quercus

Let me begin by fully disclosing the following: I'm not a psychologist, I'm not a trained counsellor or therapist, and I haven't done an awful lot of research to back up the opinion I'm about to put forth. My only credentials are that I am an ACoN, that I've followed many other ACoN's blogs for some time, and that I put a lot of personal thought into what makes people with NPD or extremely narcissistic traits 'tick'.

As the crude saying goes, "Opinions are like (rectal orifices) - everyone's got one". So this is mine.... my opinion, that is.

Narcissists see the world as extraordinarily hierarchical. That is, they believe in a "pecking order"; that there's a "top dog" in the pile. To them, 'equality' amongst people is a ridiculous notion.

Narcissists cannot stand being low on the perceived 'totem pole'. I believe that the majority (if not all) of their self-worth is wrapped up in where they 'stand' in society. They are competitive. They demand respect (for a fantastic recent example this, visit the blog "You Don't Have to Dance for Them" and read the lovely Upsi's post, "An Ounce of Respect").

Some theories on the origins of an individual's pathological narcissism revolve around a painful childhood; the child was horribly mistreated, and as a result the adult is a bitter and twisted person. I don't believe this applies to all narcissists (those that are sociopathic (psychopaths) are likely born without a 'conscience' as we know it), but it fits with what I understand my NMom to be. Her father is an even bigger narcissist than she is.

She struggles with ambivalence towards her father; she hates him and wants him to die already, but on the other hand she 'loves' and respects him (her recent tormented sentiments). Notice the word respect. A narcissist will gladly cultivate your fear if he or she cannot (will not) earn your actual respect. To a narcissist, fear is an acceptable substitute for respect. And respect is vital to them; if they're not respected by you, they'd be lower on the invisible totem pole than you are.

My NGrandfather is a veritable monster; someone who spent a lifetime bullying others (as he was likely bullied). My mother lived with him until she was a teenager, and I don't think she's matured much since then.

My suspicion is that her parents didn't show her any love at all unless she was doing something to make her parents look good (sound familiar?). Rather than rebel, she bent down and grudgingly served her parents as a slave would a king and queen. Eventually she had to believe that her father really was worthy of her worship. Once she did so, she had to keep believing that lie (otherwise, she would have to rethink the whole paradigm of her existence; all of us ACoNs know how deeply hurtful and frightening it is to face the awful reality that our parents never loved us in any real sense). I have sympathy for her; facing reality might hurt, but it's infinitely better than the alternative.

It's difficult for her to keep bowing down, receiving my grandfather's abuse. Whenever I told her that I didn't like the way he treats her, she'd laugh nervously (insanely) and flee the conversation. This isn't something she can accept; if people view him as a contemptible old (rectal orifice), then how must she appear, worshiping at his altar?

I can't say for sure why she decided to have children, but as her daughter it was my turn to be subservient and her turn to be feared. I treated her respectfully but it wasn't enough (it'll never be enough to slake her insane lust for admiration). And worryingly for her, if I can see that my grandfather's behaviour is wrong, she must know that I might not be willing to take it from her anymore.

Want to rattle a narcissist? Show them compassion for their pitiful and impossible situation. Ironically, nothing will make them hate you more (you've been warned!).

Even if your narcissistic parent felt the smallest shred of guilt for putting you into the position that they were (likely) once put in by their cruel parents, they are no longer capable of swallowing that lifetime of pride to truly apologise to you for your mistreatment. To make amends with you would be to reverse the order of their beloved totem pole - one they have viciously clawed their way up since the very beginning. I can't imagine anything scarier for them; to give up their hard-earned position and climb down would be to give up on their very lives. They don't love you enough to do that. They don't love anyone* enough to do that.

*possible exception: 'the golden child'