by Quercus
A while back I pondered on the possibility of a generalized
ACoN ‘road map’, created in a collaborative effort by many ACoNs (new and old
alike). I always picture the map of
Middle Earth that Tolkien drew for The Lord of the Rings. There are so many
fantastic parallels in that wonderful epic to the life and journey of an ACoN –
the unblinking, unceasing evil eye of the dark lord Sauron searching for his
quarry; the many enemies; the corrupting power of the ring; the seemingly
impossible task; the power imbalances; the unlikely collaborations and how
people from all walks of life (in the case of the story, of all species –
dwarves, elves, men, hobbits, ents, etc.) band together and succeed in the
destruction of the ring (and the return of Sauron) or die fighting for the
greater good. (Sometimes I see our online ‘community’ as the Concil of Elrond,
particularly when we debate contentious issues!).
But like The Lord of the Rings, the ACoN journey is full of
surprises, twists, turns, tight-squeezes and minor disasters. It’s too long and
complicated a story to tell, and the details would vary so widely from one ACoN
to the next that it’s impractical to try.
Oh there's no place like 'home' for the holidays....
I went ‘home’ for Christmas (‘home’ being where the NParents
are) for a short visit. I knew it would be terrible. I knew that there were
very good reasons for me not to go, but there were just as many good reasons to
go. I decided to face my fears and see what would happen. It would be a good
test to see if I’ve made any progress at all in my interaction with my NFOO’s
pathological triangles and NM’s evil web of lies and deceit. Either things
would be a little different, or it’d be business as usual. I had my safety in the form of my psychologist’s
appointment pre-scheduled for the following week, and I decided I’d throw
myself in the deep end to see how I’d fare.
And this is why I’m starting to wonder if I haven’t reached
the end of my ACoN journey, or an intermission near the end. Things were completely different, for me. And
things were utterly, utterly the same old when it came to THEM. With one
notable, extremely interesting difference – “them” changed. Former NGC has seemingly
lost his ‘N’. He was a completely different person! He was nice! Legitimately
compassionate, considerate and dare I say even humble! His self-effacing jokes
seemed wholly alien to me – I had never, ever seen a tolerable, decent even
attractive side to my NGC’s personality. And here he was being mature,
friendly, even kind!
No, don’t worry – my Narc radar is still keenly tuned and
honed in on him, waiting for the first tell-tale slip-up to indicate that the
dangerous narcissism was merely laying low for its own purposes! I can’t trust
him, and thanks to my training with my fantastic psychologist, I won’t find
myself in a situation in which I’m forced to trust him, either. My mantra: Separation, not
enmeshment. Space between, zealously defended! A friend of mine says – “A poisonous snake who has just shed
his skin is beautiful. Beautiful and extra deadly!”.
However, I really think a huge change has come over NGC.
We don't know why or how or what happened (I would speculate that there was a falling-out between NM and NGC - she's a control freak after all, and maybe she went too far...). After discussing it with my DH, my psychologist and a friend, we feel that it
is indicative of NM ‘losing her grip’ on the FOO. No longer does she sit in the
middle of her web, controlling communication. She’s made a miscalculation
somewhere; her children have stopped relying upon her. She didn’t enmesh them
enough, or infantilize sufficiently. Or perhaps she did – those of us that
appear to be ‘free’ (sadly not all, yet) are those who have stable partners or spouses.
It’s those of us that have lives that rarely include NM that have made ‘progress’. The logical conclusion is that the proximity and involvement of my NM in my life retarded personal growth. Get away from her influence, and 'nature' takes its course again. NGC had moved away and began a life elsewhere....
Have I got The Sixth Sense?
In the ironically-named living room, I saw dead people all around me. Zombies, maybe robots, acting out their lines by rote, never deviating from the script. I
could have anticipated just about every statement, sentence, smile, frown,
grunt that day. It was rehearsed. It was the same play every year at this time.
I can’t express to you how dead it all seemed. Empty. Small-talk. Niceties. The
same niceties over and over again (this year with the help of extra repetition,
courtesy an elder relative with Alzheimer’s disease!). Just me, DH and NGC and
his partner seemed to be ‘alive’ or animated. Apart. Separate. As if we were the only
ones who didn’t have strings attached like marionettes. I felt for my siblings
that were still entangled, playing the part, lifelessly.
But most of all, I pitied my EF. He was awful to me and DH.
He was pathetic in every sense of the word. He was her henchman, going to
battle to win her heart by slaying the hated Daughter-Beast with ‘love’ (read ‘guilt
trips’!). He tried to humiliate us, loudly, repeatedly, in front of everyone
else. (You can imagine how uncomfortable it would be to be a guest there,
eh?!). We didn’t even get our coats and shoes off before he berated us, chided
us, then accused us of hiding ourselves away. Three times before I even stepped
foot on the carpet did he smother us with hugs and loudly proclaim the
intolerable amount of time that we’ve been away. He also seemed to be insisting
that we shout out a light-hearted apology and explanation as to our absence, so
that we could move on and forget that I ever dared to stand up to them at all,
ever. I didn't cower. And so the cycle repeated until someone else intervened and the conversation deviated.
It was a bizarre experience, like walking into a literal
mad-house. The moment me and DH crossed the threshold, the NParents declared
everything “as it was”, and returned to their comfortable status quo of me as
the black-sheep scapegoat rescuer/persecutor. Only this time, I had cut my
strings...
Some small vestiges of pre-programming still exist in me...
The beauty of it all was that only once did I react in a way
that was pre-programmed by NM. She had made a horrible ‘joke’ that made her
look like the most petty, insecure, jealous cow of a woman, and rather than let
her flounder in her immense social faux-pas, I rescued her. Automatically. It took me
a week to realise what I had done – I jumped in with a joke of my own and
deflected all the attention back to me, changing the topic. I played the
jester, intervening and rescuing with humour. And it was entirely automatic. I
wish I could have prevented myself from rescuing – how fascinating it would
have been to see who said what in response to her spiteful comment! I didn’t
just rescue her, either; I rescued the sibling who had ‘mistakenly’ honoured my
grandmother when they clearly were supposed to have publicly exulted NM. This was what NM was bitterly attempting to 'correct'. It was
not a conscious decision for me to play the joker, it was a learned childhood
response. Oh well. Of all the reactions I could have unwittingly had, I think
this one is the most harmless.
Curiouser and curiouser... bizarre behaviour is the norm
What else happened? Oh yes. NM wouldn’t hug me (which was
great – I hugged her and actually wanted to, thinking that for once she had
deferred to me! Probably not, but I was happy with the change!), and EF
smothered us. But in a short moment of privacy, I hugged EF. I
wanted to see what he’d say or do while he was ‘off-stage’. I was not hugged
back, and he quickly retreated to the proceedings. It was later pointed out to
me by a friend that perhaps he was punishing me, and that I was to have felt slighted.
I didn’t at the time – to me it was conclusive proof that he couldn’t miss me
half as much as he shouted when we arrived, and that he cares still only for
himself, which means keeping loyal to NM. I was not disappointed; I was
validated in my suspicions! What may have been meant to hurt me actually made me feel better.
NM beamed once when I said that her dessert was superior to
that of my own and of DH’s mother’s, and glowered at me venomously when I
suggested an alternative spice in a dish during dinner (who am I to question
the Queen’s cuisine?!). It was hilarious. I was cracking up on the inside! How
dreadful that baking and vegetable culinary feats and the compliments or lack
thereof were what would pull my NM’s chains so violently! How ridiculous it is!
The mundane is what cranks her motor, and important, vital concerns, such as
the happiness and health of her children fails to register at all!
A Royal Decree on High Treason, in time for next Christmas
Not once did they ask me how I was. They asked how my career
was going, and I think more so to keep tabs on what I had that they wanted, but
they never asked me or DH how we were feeling after all the tumult and angry emails that were exchanged (or more correctly received in our case!). Our complaints, our objections to their atrocious behaviour during the course of the last year were
obviously dismissed. Were we thanked for being so gracious as to attend their
wretched gathering? Well of course not, but the total lack of gratitude was
jaw-dropping. Even just a quick and courteous, “I’m glad you made it!” would
have been so appropriate given the circumstances.
Instead, we got a loud tirade from EF, for all to hear
(shouted so that I would hear from the other room), that it was morally
reprehensible to not see your mother at Christmas. This sentiment was rephrased
and repeated two or three times, without context or even the pretext of
conversation, and declared as if he was reading a decree from Her Highness the
Queen of Narcissism herself. It was an awkward subject to carry on with as
polite small talk. I felt sorry for the in-laws at the table.
Here my NParents were,
basically brow-beating me for even thinking of not showing up at Christmastime!
It’s hysterical – strategically, it’s retarded! Am I going to want to show up
next year? No! Will I? Of course not! Though to be honest, that was
predetermined before this proclamation that, “All children MUST spent Christmas
with their mothers! It is completely selfish and terrible not to! It’s totally
wrong to not see your mother at Christmas!” Guess what? Black sheep Quercus is
going to be very much ‘in the wrong’ next year. She’ll be happily sipping a Mai
Tai on the beach at the time, while she’s committing the most heinous of all
treasonous acts.....! Good grief, it really is like living in the Feudal days! “Give
Tribute to Her Majesty, or DIE!” Bring it, say I. I will fight to the death,
which I now doubt will be necessary, for my freedom!
Course change! We can't go there now!
There was something else that happened which was so
ridiculous as to be amusing, something which only a few short months ago might
have sent me running in a claustrophobic panic towards suicide (funny how
differently I see the world now!). My NParents got it into their heads that me
and DH would be moving to a country that is of obvious value and worth to them
(a trendy, fashionable location). NM was out of her skull with jealousy, as
usual. Though we had only mentioned the possibility of a prospective job in
said country, they had been obsessively planning their move (permanent or otherwise) to the same place
all this time! And when I failed to notice the deliberately set ‘props’, EF
picked up the language program boxes and loudly proclaimed that they were both
learning the language and would be fluent in a short time. (DH said in
retrospect that EF and NM were trying to prove that they had a legitimate
reason to move where we move, and that we couldn’t deny them the opportunity to
use their newly-learned language, and so they’d have no barriers to invading our new home. I
think he’s right. I also think they were trying to goad us into saying, “Oh!
You’re learning to speak _____! So are we! We’ll be living at (full address) in
(specific number of days and hours)!”, with which information they could then
call the travel agent and immediately book their tickets....).
Then another relative asked us point-blank if we were still
planning to move to this country. “Planning? Good Heavens, no! We haven’t got
any concrete plans at all yet! In fact, we’ve received job offers (elsewhere),
and so that seems like the best option so far. No plans at all either
way, though!” I said.
NM, from out of nowhere, started into a impassioned barrage of questioning: “Where exactly? What coast is that? And that’s closest
to which city?! When are you leaving?!” This is the most she said to me all day, and I felt like I was
being interrogated with these rapid-fire questions and her reptilian glare. DH
and I spat the answers out as fast as they came. (Thank you, God, for providing
us with the words on the spot like that!). We foiled them, brilliantly. So
much for their $300 x 2 language learning packs. They can visit whichever
country they wish, of course, including that one. But it no longer looks like
we’ll be there when they do...! I’m quite curious to see what will happen now! Before
I would have been up all night, scared out of my mind that there was no where
we could go that they won’t follow.
NM has been hinting consistently for more information
on where exactly we went while on honeymoon, and I know it’s so she can go to
the same places but stay in the penthouse suite, or the five star-plus luxury resort
next door, and make sure I hear all about how she has what I have, but better.
It’s always, ALWAYS the way! She can’t just do something nice for herself that
she likes – she has to do what I’ve done, only bigger and better, and I must be
made aware of it! (I don’t know how anyone could possibly enjoy their life,
living the way she does. It’s stupid! Do what you want to do, don’t copy and
compete with someone else!). When I fail to boil over in the jealousy she needs me to feel, she'll say, "Look how jealous you are! You're doing a good job of hiding it, but I'm your mother - I can see it! You're so jealous!" My NM is not happy unless I'm jealous of her, and it's because she's chronically jealous of me. Jealous of things not worth being jealous of, too! She doesn't question what she covets - she repeats the same, "It's not fair!" cutesy whine, and then goes and gets whatever it is for herself, only bigger and better. And then she finds a way to notify me of her acquisition.... This cycle will continue until the day one of us dies, unless I step out of the web and leave. Which I have. I have no intention to return. I can't, not now. I've seen too much.
It's still all about me having her grandkids....
There were a few other invasive inquisitions on time-frames,
our plans, our home (presumably to see if it’s For Sale yet or not), and that
sort of thing. Daughter-in-law said something about her providing them grandchildren,
and NM failed to react. I said something about getting dogs and never having
kids, and NM looked as if she was going to lunge at me with a knife. It’s
beyond pathetic and strange now. NM has every opportunity to live a good life,
full of healthy, loving relationships and normal, fulfilling circumstances. But
all she wants is what I have or could have. All of it, any of it, NOW NOW NOW!
DH reminded me later of her last threatening email, a few
months ago now. I had read it as a present-tense guilt-trip for ‘cutting her
out of my life’, but DH pointed out what I missed – the future-tense threat of
me having her grandchildren without her in the picture. NM’s been plotting and
planning to get at my kids for years. And my ‘kids’ don’t exist! Short of
buying a plane ticket, my sick and twisted NParents have been learning a
language and preparing to relocate where they thought we’d relocate. And they
spent Christmas surreptitiously pumping us for information, with a special
emphasis on ‘when’, followed by ‘where’. And we had the best alibi ever. It’ll
be hard for them to believe that we’re not headed to where we mentioned.
Between you and me, I’m playing
Carmen Sandiego with them, sending them on a
wild goose chase around the world while I sneak off elsewhere.
So that was it. We turned up for Christmas despite many good
reasons not to, and rather than being thanked or even just treated somewhat
respectfully, my NParents pushed the ‘reset’ button on the whole of last year
and all my hard earned progress in therapy would have been wiped out instantly and
forgotten, if they truly had the power to ‘reset’ it all. The rotten, verging-on-the-criminal
transgressions of my NM throughout my life and even in the preceding months would be instantly forgotten. I would crawl back under
their thumb, apologizing all the way, and be subjected again to their cruel
machinations. Just like that, it was all over. My rebellion was blotted out,
paved over and erased from history!
But unfortunately, as my friend cheekily says, I’ve eaten
from the tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. There’s no going back. My whole
world has changed, thanks to therapy and Divine Intervention. I see things I
never saw before. It’s like in a video game, where you’ve found some tool that
allows you to jump across places you couldn’t previously – I’ll never play the
same ‘level’ the same way ever again! The level doesn’t change, but I did. And
now I can bypass every pit, every trap quite easily. It’s time to move on to
the next level, to a new challenge.
And now for my shrink's opinion...
When I got back to my psychologist’s office, I told them
about my trip ‘home’. I didn’t cry once, I didn’t shake, and I found myself
laughing and joking as I related the pathetic and very nearly humorous stunts
my NParents pulled! He interrupted –
“It appears as if you went, and rather
than engaging in the pathology, you were simply an observer.”
And it felt good. So good. But also a little sad. I kept telling
my shrink about my EF, about how ‘dead’ he must be! And even the other
relatives – the play they were acting in. It was so two-dimensional, so flat,
so empty! It was like having a party in a tomb! Or maybe just hanging out with
the animatronic kids from the ‘It’s a Small World’ ride in Disneyland – it gets
really boring, really lonely real quick when they start repeating the same set
of movements for the umpteenth time. It was like that with my family. There’s
no real limit to which their pathology won’t stretch (and that still concerns
me – I think moving elsewhere will really have to be like entering into the Witness
Protection Programme), but they have a very predictable nature and only so many
set-moves. That being said, I’m not sticking around to see what else they can conjure up!
I’m not angry anymore, and this is why I’m starting to
wonder if I’m not on the way ‘out’ of this ACoN journey. All of our
circumstances vary greatly, but I think I’ve pretty well dealt with all the
crap my NFOO produced now (perhaps it wasn’t as comparatively extreme as what
you faced. But I’ll warn anyone against comparing your life to the life of
anyone else’s! Never compare! There’s no good basis for comparison anyway – our
lives and circumstances and personalities are so vastly different that we are
just apples to oranges at best).
I told my psychologist that I was worried that I wasn’t more
angry at my EF. I said that it seemed to me that he and my DH and my friend all
want me to see that EF’s a real jerk, and keep the blame where it should be,
for my own safety’s sake.
“Maybe you no longer need to assign blame,” said the shrink.
“Maybe you’ve gone past that, and now you see the tragedy of the lives of your
parents.”
I do. I also see very clearly that walking away, maintaining
an enormous distance between us, is the only option for me. I’m not going to
miss them. I’m not even going to feel badly, or guilty, for ‘cutting them out
of my life’. What’s there to feel guilty for? They keep playing the same sick
scene over-and-over again, and it’s ‘killing me’! No, it’s not me ‘killing my
mother’ or ‘breaking my mother’s heart’! The scene, the play – that was killing
me! 'Cause I was the character getting killed off in each scene, over and over and over again!
And so I leave, happily, and find my fortune elsewhere. It doesn’t suit
them well if I leave, but that’s not my problem. Nor is it my responsibility.
Nor will it kill my mother, break her heart, nor any of that awful stuff. She is
the master of her own destiny. She will decide if she lives or dies, thrives or
cries, and all of that, all of her life, is independent of me and my life.
Going back to my beloved Venn diagrams, I now see it this way:
In the set of “The Universe”, there is a subset of “Me and
my Mom”. At first, I was wholly enmeshed:
In time, I became a little less enmeshed. And I met and
married a wonderful man, developed a personal relationship with God, and began
therapy with a competent, caring psychologist:
And this is where I am now. There is something I want to
point out – I didn’t take anything away from my NM when I became separate. Her
surface area, pi x radius(squared), is the same as it ever was. She occupies
the same amount of space as she ever did:
On the other hand, I gained surface area as the overlap
faded and my surface became uncovered. So now, instead of NM and a tiny sliver
of ‘me’, the enmeshed daughter, there is the complete set of NM, and the
complete set of me, and as separate individuals, we account for more area. We
grew, so to speak. Well, I did, anyway. But overall there was a net gain. I also like that "me" rhymes with "free"....!
Stepping Down to Part-Time Blogging
I’m thinking about taking a bit of a step back from
blogging. I think I might have reached burn-out, which is sooner than I
anticipated. I really do want to continue to help facilitate ACoNs to find
ACoNs, so I won’t disappear totally. But I wanted to state that I feel that I
reached a natural rest-stop on my journey, and I fully intend to take it!
I haven't forgotten the Survey results! I'll take a look at them and I'll publish the raw results as well as all the correlations I can calculate very soon!
I hope everyone survived the holidays well. I know it can be a terrible time of year, and I fully expected my holidays to be awful. But they weren't. It turns out that I hadn't actually deliberately spent time with my NFOO in a year. I thought everyone was exaggerating, but DH and I did the arithmetic - it was Christmas last year when I voluntarily spent time with them (the other times were them showing up unannounced and being turned away, and I think the constant onslaught of guilt-tripping emails and text messages and Facebook posts just made it feel like they were physically here all the time!). A whole year it took, and it didn't even feel like a year, for me to be able to come in on different footing.
A year well spent.
I don't have any resolutions for 2013. I'm just looking forward to the year. I bought flowers that represented (in the Victorian Language of Flowers) "truth" and "confidence" for New Year's Day, and so I think I'll run with that accidental theme (gorgeous green and white chrysanthemums, and white polyanthus!).
My wish for all other ACoNs out there is the following:
- That you develop a deep and personal relationship with the Divine, and know how completely precious and valuable you are,
- That you find a way to invest in your own mental health - I highly recommend perusing the webpages of nearby psychologists and registered therapists, interviewing your top choices (money may be a consideration - sliding scale? Covered by your health plan?), and choosing a psychologist that you feel confident is competent and capable. I thank God for the one I see. He's very nondescript, sits quietly and listens. He stood out as a no-nonsense, serious but kindly therapist. I needed someone who knew what the heck they were doing. I had a TERRIBLE therapist for a short time, once, that did almost more damage than good! So I recommend shopping around, and seriously investing in yourself! Never mind the gym and weight loss - do something that's going to change your life for real!
- That in the next abhorrent interaction with the NFOO, assuming it's unavoidable, you get to objectively 'see' what they're up to, what they're doing. It's an amazing experience to be outside of the pathology, able to just observe and not get dragged into it. It's incredible how routine it is, how predictable! And at one time, it was so powerful over you! Such a bizarre experience - I hope you have a similar one. It feels good to 'get' what's going on, and to be able to effortlessly side-step their many, many snares.
Thanks to everyone for all the support and encouragement they've given me! You have all helped so much! Probably more than I'll ever know! Knowing I wasn't crazy, that I wasn't alone in having AWFUL parents with horrible personalities, really did 'save my life'. I can only imagine the consequences of another few years of believing that there was something inherently wrong with me, and not my diseased parents! Thanks for being here for me and for each other. The ACoN community, for all its ups and downs, really does more good than not.
Next up - the ACoN Society Survey results!